Yea though I walk through the valley of the wasps, I will not fear its sting because Thou art with me, Thou hast a fly swatter to the right and Raid to the left of me, trying to help a baby mama out! Praise be to God.
With tears in my eyes, the only relief I can feel other than running a mile is praying and writing. I have a time line to get shit together financially and its like aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! SG just dropped the ball on something that we had a verbal agreement on. Go figure. If only this, if only that, you know the mantra. I feel like how Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz must have felt when she stared down the hour glass in the wicked witches castle, wondering how the fuck she was going to think her way out of her nightmare.
How did it get to this point? Why didn’t I walk away in the beginning when I new SG wasn’t the one, why did I hold on? Why was I so convinced I could make someone want me who didn’t and why did he spin me for a loop and convince me that I was the one and that we could make it work? I recall sitting in therapy shortly after our little one was born and him stating that he didn’t want to be with me. It was a gut wrenching blow to me because it was the first time he was honest about us. The way he said it was so matter of fact and cold. After that session the “I love you’s” between us stopped. I put my blinders back on and continued to focus on my child.
I truly believed that SG and I could co exist. Arranged marriages do work and the idea of two strangers being thrown into parenthood and a relationship is not crazy. This was how I was able to justify our situation. Although we lived together it was completely over for him. I felt that SG was with me out of convenience, similar to a lot of relationships I have had.
When our lease was up in Summer of 2015, I made a deal with SG on our way to Georgia. I asked him for 6 months to allow me to network and then we could split and live separately. He was from Georgia and had a network there. Our lease was already signed for the new place and I couldn’t bring myself to let go of him completely. Georgia has a huge film industry, affordable living and I felt that I was making the right decision. I figured that no matter what happened between SG and I, I would still be able to provide a comfortable life for my little one and somehow I could manage to create a healthy environment for our child, with both parents in the picture. EPIC FAIL. Two weeks after we moved into our new place he was out the door and not without making my life a living hell. No matter how many times I willingly looked the other way or even tried to deny his affairs; I effortlessly caught him in lies because of how bold his actions were.
I was in auto pilot and just kept going thinking that I could handle being a new mom in a new town with zero friends. My Godmother lived on the North side of Atlanta and I wasn’t entirely alone, thank God for her. We chose to live on the South side of ATL to be closer to SG’s family. SG was so convincing that he would give me time and support, he was a great actor on and off screen, in addition to being a fitness model. His entire family seemed like simple, small town folk with heart. The Southern Charm wore out quickly once I got on their turf. Their gloves came off smooth as honey when they realized that I wasn’t going to just shut up and let this egocentric man hurt me any longer. It took me moving to Georgia to finally see this guy for who he was showing me he was. It was the day after Father’s Day that I got my balls back and chose to be a single mom.
We just finished spending a lovely Father’s Day with his family and we were getting along that day. On our way home that evening I was extremely exhausted and he said he needed to run some errands and would clean out the car. Traveling light doesn’t exist in my book and I appreciated his efforts to help. I put the little one down and went to bed myself. The next morning was a slow motion playback of a previous incident we had in VA. I found him passed out on the floor with an empty bottle of red wine spilled everywhere. He, the bottle and his half empty klonopin bottle looked like a crime scene. It got worse once he woke up. Luckily, in midst of a heated argument my little one slept peacefully.
I had to call someone…Remember Hazel from previous blog entires? Well, she finally got me back, in her own way. While I was on the patio frantically asking Hazel what to do, SG walks up to me while I was in mid convo and placed his phone in my eye line of what appeared to be a thread of messages between he and Hazel. In my weakness he found a way to make my pain sear like a filet. I read the messages, snapped on Hazel and hung up. Hazel is an old school ho, the kind of woman that will buy your kid an outfit, be their for you and stays real close to your man faking like she’s only trying to ease drop on him for you. Watch out for the clean cut ho’s! (that’s another entry in itself). I wrote it off as bad karma on my end….Let me help another baby mama real quick, stay away from your undercover-clean-cut- ho-gal-pals especially when there you’re homegirl from way back when Guess jeans were cool.
In the eye of the storm it dawned on me that I was bearing the brunt of this guys pain, whatever it was. People who go out of their way to hurt you are hurting themselves. I realized that he would keep dishing it until I broke. I did break. I fell hard and wept with an ugly cry face. I realized that I was in over my head, big time and I had 11 more months to go in the South. I needed to pray like I’d never prayed before because it wasn’t just about me. I had to do right by my child and not hold on to a heartless man.
There has always been a wasp in my life waiting around the corner and I feel like they have always struck at the best times and even now as I am writing SG has struck again from the Dirty South. Thankfully, I am back on somewhat solid ground in Virginia. All the wake up calls I’ve had the past year are exhausting. It’s been a never ending cycle of letting go and moving forward and it’s still going……………