Watch out for the clean-cut HO!

Posted in Uncategorized on May 20, 2017 by Veronica Graham

Pay close attention to the women in your life who inquire about the men in yours or just flat out try real hard to get any kind of sensitive information out of you. Be careful what you reveal to that single, fresh faced—I mean two-faced tart. Have you ever wondered why one of your “friends” asks an awful lot about your love life? Claiming they want whats best for you just to pry. Saying things like “I will always be here for you” or “You can trust in me, I’m not like all your other friends” or ” I would never hurt you, you’re my bestie for life”. I think these types of women exploit the chicks who wear their heart on their sleeves and definitely capitalize on being there for you when heart breaks occur or any other dilemma. All the while, secretly, looking to interfere, to tear you down, to one up you or just feel better about themselves at your expense? Remember Selena????

The scariest clean-cut ho I was friends with wore leggings, a beret and had a Masters Degree. Guess who that was? She was the type thats datable with mannerisms similar to Taylor Swift. The kind of chick that some how is able to hop from guy to guy without the scrutiny that, let’s say Brittany Spears would get. By the way- How many guys has Taylor Swift been with? I think she beat me. Oh, but wait, It’s ok for a girl like her to suck face with Jake Gyllenhaal and then go for a ride on Calvin Harris. It’s totally cool for her to produce a song that sounds like a blog entry and screw anybody she wants because she’s the good kind of ho?!

I was invited to be a makeup artist on a film set in Pennsylvania shortly after the collapse of the Kimme and Veronica empire. I had befriended a local producer who was totally cool and extended the olive branch to me and my damaged self-image. Once the producer got me acclimated with the crew she ended up having to leave set for another job.

The actress aka “sobriety champion of the universe” that I had to shack up with after my producer friend left got very comfortable talking with me. She was super pretty and from New York. She seemed like the kind of friend I needed in my life and I was happy to have met her—I probably should have been more professional but ya know. I just love to fucking talk. The sweet disposition in her voice quickly shifted once the conversation got heavy and I confessed that I too was an addict but not in the rooms of AA and NA. With all due respect to the program, it does work, I just feel different then some do about it. I kinda latched onto my higher power and went on to explain that I’d prefer to find my way and I was doing OK. Side Note– If you crave beer drink watermelon flavored Perrier.

What I was sharing with this actress aka “sobriety champion of the universe” seemed to be upsetting her a little too much. To each their own, you know…If you’re familiar with the rooms of AA then you know the kind of tough love that those with years of sobriety tend to express on those who find their own path. At first she seemed like someone who might care but she wasn’t. I wasn’t privy to the fact that she might have known about me before we even met face to face. Kinda felt like a trap looking back. Yeesh! People are creepy. I only creep on hotties, so maybe she thought, you know….

Since she was from New York I asked if she was cool with one my exes. Whom, by the way, got married shortly after we split and started a family of his own. Am I “Good Luck Chuck” now? In my limited experience, well known Indie Artist’s all seem to know one another so it was likely she had run into him. When she didn’t seem to know who I was talking about I toned it back and we chatted about other indie peeps we knew. Harmless, right? Seems like a pretty normal chick moment…After we wrapped she went on to produce a film about addiction—-The same crew that she referred to as a “circle jerk” was the very same crew that gave her props and contributed to her indie film about addiction. She even brought my ex in on her film! I thought she didn’t know him? I sure as hell never got a call to be a part of her short film. I thought we were cool?

Business as usual or die hard friend? It’s hard to tell, they seem to be one in the same and I am having a hard time with women in general. I am an open person but becoming a mom changed me and I am still learning about how to be in any kind of relationship with women. It’s not easy for me trust and women switch up so quickly. I am literally dealing with an issue with someone who was super cool with me and is acting very strange now— I am currently finding my way in a new profession and trying to maintain my makeup artistry work at the same time. I keep all people at an arms distance from me, because I have too. I am open but that shouldn’t automatically brand me as a target. When someone can just switch up on me because they aren’t cool with how I live or I am not acting in whatever way they have created in their mind that I should, that is a major red flag.

In this particular hiccup, I have used the opportunity to be polite and acknowledge this persons feelings and affirm that we are still friends, but at the same time I am letting this red flag fly. I am not bending over backwards for anyone that has ill feelings towards me. People are allowed to feel how they want, and when someone is coming at me directly or indirectly, I have learned to speak up and step aside. They either come back or they don’t. I used to try to control peoples feelings about me or really overly apologize for not understanding where someone else was coming from. I literally, do not have the time to jump on the “I must be at fault train”. Ya’ll ladies can go on with that shit.

I sure as hell don’t put anything past anyone anymore, less surprises when a chick flips. I keep my distance and am very proud of it. I am also very aware that I leaned a little too hard on friends and men to build me up and hold me down when life got too tough. I put a lot of pressure on friends and boyfriends to be, I guess you could say, my foundation. A foundation stems from a parent. Part of being a parent, as I am learning is to help to shape your child’s identity, self worth and so on. If you get one parent to fight for you and show up as a parent consider yourself fortunate.

I’m almost 36 and am slowly learning to cut out emotion and anger from certain situations as they arise. Just to clarify, crying about my past needed to happen but I have to eventually separate the emotion from the problem or else the change in me will never occur. The same follows with anger or sadness.

I roll solo with my kid and am a better person for becoming a hermit during my transition phase.

P.S. I tried to not like Taylor Swift, I really did, but I kinda like her songs. Go girl. You do that clean cut ho thing so well!

Be Still

Posted in Uncategorized on April 9, 2017 by Veronica Graham

I woke up from a deep sleep in the middle of the night last night with thoughts of my experience in Georgia. I got up, got some juice and started crying some type of relief cry? It felt like letting air out of an over inflated balloon– I said a little prayer mid tear, sat on my sons stool in my itty bitty kitchen and let the moment flow. A little weird and the timing was random but I needed that cry in that exact moment. It has been a struggle but it’s mine-We all have struggle. Some are experiencing much worse than me at this very moment. All I can say to those who are in the thick of it is to be still, look up and try to turn it over to the God of your understanding. That’s kind of a loaded statement yet I’m not sure how else to say it…. No one has it easy in this life. We all have little nuances that try to keep us down or tear the light away from our darkest days. It’s refreshing for me to know that I believe in the spiritual realm and in Hey-Zues aka Jesus.

When I was working at Aladdin’s Eatery in 2011 there was this waiter that would walk in every morning, look me square in the eye and say ‘Fuck this life!’ He was incredibly funny and was Muslim. We would have long conversations during the slow periods at the restaurant about the differences of how people are governed in Morocco versus the States. He would insist that we’re all the same- looking for the same stabilities in life. The catch was that life would never be stable. So in regard to the physical, money driven world we live in he would shout ‘Fuck this life!’ when he arrived in the mornings. It was his way of staying positive and knowing that his end goal wasn’t just in graduating the school he was attending but in finding peace with his life and knowing that the afterlife was what really counted for him.

Once I realized that I wasn’t going to flourish financially in the South I switched gears into serious mom mode. I needed to establish a routine because I hardly had work and becoming more dependent on others for financial help was driving me crazy. Moving to Georgia was like stopping a freight train at full speed. I had work and connections in the DMV. I literally crossed my fingers, held my breath and jumped into an unstable environment with someone I knew was not healthy for me…Personal reasons topped with bad advice and empty promises pushed me against what had taken me years to establish in the DMV to leave and start over without a solid plan. WHO DOES THAT?!!!

My mornings would start with pumpkin squawking away in his crib to be picked up for breakfast. Every morning was the same and it worked for us. I would pile snacks, toys and extra clothing into a duffle bag to prepare for whatever each days adventure would bring. We were out the door by 9:30am daily. I would find places that were free and outdoors, stopped at visitor centers along the way for maps and the inside scoop. Once a month we would drive to Atlanta to visit Piedmont Park and Trader Joes. On special occasions we would meet my god mom in Dunwoody. The Southside of Atlanta, where we were was a like living in a bubble. There was so much wide-open space and places weren’t really in walking distance… Phantom of the Operas original sound track was also a hit in the mornings. Little one, barely able to speak would chime in from the back seat to sing. For close to three months it was the number one pick on our playlist of baby approved music.

We ended up visiting a pond almost daily, sometimes even twice a day. It had a few benches, a long row of pine trees with plenty of cones for collecting, a paved track that circled the pond, a play ground and a huge open field for little legs to explore. It had a couple baseball fields and a soccer field for the locals who participated in those sports or just needed to practice. This place was funded by a church for the public with a sign that would read, ‘If you like our pond you’ll love our church.’ It was a habitat friendly pond with ducks, geese and fish for fishing. There were plenty of little patches of grass missing that had been replaced with buttercups and violets. It’s where pumpkin learned to say the word purple one day after a light misting of the rain. He was in his rain gear and waddled out into the field- plucked a violet and said in his sweet little voice ‘poi-pull’. My heart melted.

Some kids grown up with a dog but my little one got to see and almost become one with the family of geese and ducks that lived at this pond. He saw two generations being born here. He would waddle-run towards the banks of the pond with a bag of cheerios and entice his friends to eat. The ducks and geese would flock around him and soon accepted him as one of their own. They allowed him to get very close and on rare occasion he could pet them. He would squawk at them, laugh and leave a trail of fallen cheerios behind for them to chase him. Pumpkins feathered friends chased him quite often and he loved it. Our favorite mama duck lived under a tree and we both watched how overnight some eggs would disappear from the nest. On a perfect day without the blistering heat the wind would cause a ripple effect against the water that was picture perfect. A family of turtles on days like that would come out to soak up the sun on a little island in the center on the pond.

I would walk laps around the pond to stay active and keep my mind clear. I always had pumpkins stroller ready to roll- I put miles on that damn stroller. I was juggling daily outbursts from SG whether through text or after a rare weekend visit and needed a healthy release. You see, I was in the Deep South- ALONE. I chose to refrain from drinking and socializing with certain folks out of loneliness because I had too. I did become friends with one person, my neighbor Ms. Brina. She and I are still close today. I had to face shit in the South, sometimes I would allow myself to sit in my own mental shit a little longer than required to actually purge myself of my wanting to escape reality. I ended up facing my demons and murdered them. I had been in repeat mode like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day since high school. I had given way too much power to others over my emotions and life choices and moving to a slow southern town caused me to kind of burst into flames. Looking back, it was necessary for me to step back from people and vices, show up for my son and learn to find and trust my instinct entirely when dealing with others. I also realized that short encounters with a toxic person could be just as damaging as a 7-15 year tango with one.

Georgia is was where I found the best version of me– the dorky and totally relatable me who doesn’t bend to what others say, but follows her internal guide and not just in a blog entry. The old version of me that certain people enjoy holding a mirror up too fell to the wayside and that bitch ain’t coming back. All that’s left of her is the knowledge of how to survive in a den of thieves and have the faith of Daniel in the wake of a beast.

Honestly, I wouldn’t mind booking a flight back to Georgia just to sit in the stillness of that churches pond. Life has its daily challenges. Work has been picking up and I’m pretty excited about the opportunities in makeup artistry I’ve had lately. I have gotten to meet some pretty influential people. Also, I was finally able to find another profession to earn added income to support my family duo. I have an amazing almost 3 year old and am finally able to see my short-term goals come together. My mind is better today and I will worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Just for today, I am OK>

—-Life has a way of humbling every creature in it to allow room to appreciate the rare beauties it possesses.

 

Daffodils in the Snow

Posted in Uncategorized on March 10, 2017 by Veronica Graham

8 years ago I was struggling with addiction, like hard core, I would have bouts of sobriety but I couldn’t shake the physiological cravings that I had. I recently found out that one of the ‘characters’ from my past checked into a treatment facility out west and has been there for a few months. I actually liked this particular person, he and I felt similar towards our families. We felt that wedge that so many addicts feel—- US vs. THEM. My life in addiction was very much an US vs. THEM battle. It’s a mentality not to take lightly. If you see someone drenched in addiction don’t hate. Life under the wings of any substance full time is similar to a thirst that is never quenched. I could never get enough… I would put myself in positions to be near dealers on all levels of the game. I don’t think that one type of addiction is any less worse than another. The scariest part of being a recovered addict is life. Life is on the other side of addiction. Life is not easy and whoever got that notion in our heads can suck on a bottle of hot sauce.

The hype behind legalizing marijuana makes my blood boil. I know of a lot of cats that have gone to jail for selling. I’m sure one or two readers know a person that has served a little bit of time for drug selling. In my opinion, the system is designed to make a profit, an example out of someone and let their record remain tainted. I’m not saying that drug dealing should be a career choice- However,  I sure as hell do not support the legalization of pot unless the system is secretly rehabilitating those locked up for it; with plans for their future induction into society with clean slates. I never met a drug dealer that sold because they thought it was fun, it was a means to an end. For some…It might have been the only way to make money.

When it comes to drug dealing—The few high profile stories that the media can get a hold of are stretched thin within each network. Lots of networks get a hold of one story and spin it their way. As viewers its easy to find the same things being covered on different networks, try it today. They don’t talk about the dude that doesn’t have a choice when he’s released from serving about how he can’t get a job so he resorts back to what he knows. Flip through every major news channel. All of them are saying the same thing. In addition, the same value of one US dollar bought the exact same size cheeseburger from McShitty’s 10 years ago. Why is that? How is that the cost of living is damn near impossible to maintain for us regular people? How is that the US dollar is decreasing its spending power for us po’ folk but someone how gaining interest for the rich?  What can one dollar really get you? In my opinion, the 5 dollar bill has replaced the 1 dollar bill. 

Heroine seems to be the drug of choice for addicts these days. I can’t say that I was ever enticed to ski down that slope but I know a couple people whose lives were cut short because of it. The guy I was seeing back in 99′ and ran away to San Fran with might have had an early death because of it. He passed away in 2012. I never opened up about him because he was too close to my heart. He was my James Dean. After years of shitty therapy, the one legit therapist from NYC that would have over the phone sessions with me pinned the tail on the donkey; in regards to the guys I seek out. He noted that I was looking for James Dean in a lot of relationships after we split. Maybe I still am. It broke my heart to know that I will never be able to have closure with someone who impacted me on that kind of emotional level.

James Dean and I had similar friends on both sides of the track. We lived in fancy little houses in white suburbia and had ‘those friends’ and also had our ‘AA friends’.  Young peoples AA was actually a thing in the early 2000’s- there were so many of us. We would pack rented church rooms and chill. People really got down on coffee, mountain dew and marlboro reds. AA parties back then had all the makings of a rave minus the drugs. JD had a way about him that made people feel special. He even tried to teach me how to ollie on a skateboard, that ended with me only being able to pull off the ‘skater look’. At one point his favorite song was ‘Ole’ by the Bouncing Souls. Every time he got in my Saturn he would put that CD in and blare it; literally sing it hanging out the window. I still sing the fuck out of that song form time to time. The best part of JD was the hugs he gave to those he cared for. I can’t say that I knew the person he was when he passed. I only knew the renegade from when we were young. I had just “finished” the blog and was working on the set of Nightmare Next Door when I received the news about him. Bad news always travels fast and the good always die young.

To my daffodil in the snow; “no one can beat us, we drink beer and wear adidas!”

 

 

 

35; Black beans and Rice

Posted in Uncategorized on February 24, 2017 by Veronica Graham

I eat quesadillas when life gets tough; I have perfected this tasty little treat. I have a couple of white hairs sprouting near my right temple too. I did a bad thing – I checked my ratings and it seems as though I am boring, to the reader. I am in the grey area of popularity, meh. I feel grey and am getting grey so maybe it’s suitable to be grey. It’s hard to be grey when I used to be dark blue? Dark blue stats are the place to be according to my site. People still read my shit so at least I know someone can get a good laugh or learn something. Here’s something new- Put cinnamon in your meatloaf. Its hard not to glance at stats, it was easier to ignore the thousands of views when I was drinking and trying to refrain from sexy time. I’m no better than that other mom begging for a reader, sike, lmao.

Saying Fuck you and Fuck that all the time is boring- it’s almost too predictable. I don’t date. I don’t have someone breathing over my shoulder telling what to “confess” either. I’m not up for video blogging just yet nor do I want to use all my pricy makeup on tutorials that teach people how to not look like a werewolf in the morning. I’d rather sit in my favorite tee with the phrase ‘I don’t give a frappe’ written on it, ditch contacts for my studious looking black framed bottle cap glasses and sip soda through a straw thinking of what to write next.

My little one isn’t the only one learning how to spell these days. Dr. Seuss is the shit. While looking at life insurance policies the other day I thought of what to put on my tombstone-‘She is either-There, their or they’re’ with an arrow pointing in every direction. I always thought that being a mom would be the death of me; it was the beginning of me… Like- the real me. I spent most of my life drowning in substances; I think tequila preserved me and my lack of understanding on how people and our society operates kept me young and dumb. Now, I wake up to this little person asking for waffles or throwing a toy at my face. I sip coffee with minimal sugar and listen to NPR. I am in a new bubble. The mommy bubble. It’s fun and safe. I still haven’t given my kiddo a name in the blog- How about Pumpkin? The little stinker loves pumpkin bread.

I’m in a mental space that I had only heard about in the rooms of AA and attempted to get to many, many times. Life hasn’t stopped throwing spiked curve balls at me but whatever. Maybe I wasn’t meant to have the ‘simple kind of life’ or maybe I am. Not sure. I am currently studying a new profession to support my family duo. Waiting tables is not the best second job for me. Not to mention, I’ve been hired and fired form nearly every restaurant in a 15 mile radius of my hometown.

After, I left the DMV I kinda lost my momentum and status with local production companies. It happens to grey people. I’m still on the call list but I am not the main bitch anymore- I am more like number 7 on the legit makeup professional list- Lucky number 7.

–Pumpkin made a killer replica of frost bitten hands with watercolors earlier, little stink is already looking out for mama.

 

The Top 10 Harsh Truth’s

Posted in Uncategorized on February 17, 2017 by Veronica Graham

I was listening to a radio personality bogart the airwaves between music sets taking about a man-friend. It was painful as a listener to hear her complaint. She’d known this guy for a while, they text everyday, hang out weekly and have a pretty solid friendship in her eyes. She’s confused because he went out of town for a week and he didn’t call or text. When he returned he told her that his phone broke. The guy host who was temporarily taken hostage for advice about her friend made two comments. Are you sure your friend went out of town and if I was out of town I wouldn’t purchase a new phone until I got home, especially if I was on a vacation. She responded, “Yeah, BUT….he could have called and he didn’t make any posts on social media or try to message me.”

As defined per me the word BUT- In conjunction with a previous made statement cancels out sound advice and replaces the harsh truth with bullshit to rationalize the feelings of rejection.

Whats really going on with her? Its obvious she likes him…Well, I don’t really know but it could be:

  1. She has put way to much of her heart into a noncommittal man-friendship.
  2. She feels entitled to his attention daily.
  3. Is hoping that one day he will realize how awesome she really is and transfer the friendship to a relationship.
  4. Has probably slept with him or given more hand jobs than she can keep track of and is emotionally attached.
  5. Doesn’t realize that how she relates to him is unhealthy for their friendship.
  6. She is reliable- Reliability on her part, to someone who is unwilling to commit, is worth more than the current trading value of gold to her man-friend.
  7. She’s too accessible.
  8. The mystery of what dating her could be like is gone.
  9. It’s not a mutual friendship if she feels slighted by his independence.
  10. He knows exactly how she operates because friends learn one another. Sadly, she’s opened up herself to someone who isn’t a safe home base for her emotional needs. She has manipulated the meaning of friendship to justify that she is attached and can’t shake the fact that she is the only one falling.

How many times do independent women need to smash our hearts into tiny pieces over our ideals of intimacy in false friendships with men? When will we slow down and go back to the basics? The world has changed in many ways for the good of women but the tired and true way of getting a man to commit hasn’t. Believe me, no matter how much new age bullshit is pumped into our minds, we are not equal to men when it comes to dating techniques.

Women like me keep trying to make a man fall in love, lets stop playing ourselves. Let the bastards chase us. Maybe, wait to give up the goods until we have the commitment we desire, and stop buying these guys shit. Shit= anything. If you find yourself daydreaming about a guy then he cannot be your friend. If you think he can be just a friend and you like him, then you’re in for a solo heart break. If you think that being one of the guys will make him want to take you out of the friend zone, it won’t. If you think that giving him money or helping him with family matters gives you a free pass to his heart- Check your motives. I wish I had checked my motives early on with a lot of fellas and stopped chasing.

Guys reveal themselves early on- it’s us who rationalize and ponder over the potential of what could be. Waiting is the hardest part, letting go of control has been my biggest challenge. You know why? Because guys don’t chase me. I’ve been the aggressor all my life. I have so many holes in my heart from not being accepted that it’s painfully obvious…within my family or with friends. I noticed a while ago that I needed some major renovations on the inside but it seems that I will be under construction longer than anticipated. Starting with a broken foundation doesn’t leave much room for solid repairs. I’ve had to tear down everything I thought I knew and rebuild. Thanks for letting me share.

—Even if no guy is currently around, slow your roll and get to know you better. At this point in life, I can honestly say I have no idea what my type is and by chasing I’ve never been able to see what I can attract. That’s a little troubling, but whatever. Better late than on my death bed.

I ain’t no Bible beater!

Posted in Uncategorized on February 12, 2017 by Veronica Graham

Are readers still going to find my blog interesting? I’m talking more about being a mom and the almighty Hey-zeus, that’s interesting, right?  I’m back in the middle of the classic journey of a ho turnin’ to Hey-zeus. It’s so funny to me. It really is. How does a dirty little bitty go from writing about straddling…. To talking about parenting and the Bible? Not really sure, it’s so like me though. I feel like a rubber band trying to snap back and be relevant and relatable, we shall see.

I just finished reading a moms post who just started a blog and is begging for readers. ‘It would be so awesome to have some visitors!’ Seriously, come on. You can’t make people read shit about your life, no one fucking cares, it’s hard enough to keep a friend let alone someone interested in your perspective. What are your motives? Are you worried about stats? Hoping to go viral? During the peak of my writing I stopped. Why? Because someone strongly suggested that my journey was over once the year was up. I agreed, being the good little friend I thought I was supposed to be and tired to help this friend produce her “genius script” into a film. I was convinced I owed her. I gave all I could, literally, had a couple of mental lapses during pre-production and paid the price for going against my gut. It was never going to work because the lack of funding was a YUGE issue, but we tried and man did this betch have the best manipulation tactics I’ve ever been privy to be tangled in. Guess who the friend was? And guess who she got to fund the film after our go at it failed. SOMEONE ELSE. Poor soul probably has no money now, ah well, thats what happens when you get fucked by a black widow. Literally and Figuratively.

I write. Why? Because it fucking calms the brain, and being Veronica Graham is awesome. She doesn’t let shit keep her down, she keeps on trying, she is a fighter-slayer of fakeness. I still remember how wide eye Kimmie got when she saw how much people liked my ridiculousness. Her idea to exploit my shit online gained a lot more attention than that star crazed little betch wanted. Looking back on our friendship is like looking back on a relationship without sex. I was like her little dog, and she was able to hide behind my weaknesses/outbursts and cash in on the benefits by being the “good one”. So glad that sea urchin is out of my life. I mean, clean-cut ho. Come to think of it,  February 14, 2013 was the day I moved out of the apartment we shared with that other chick. Oh, how sweet betrayal is from a Taurus! If you’re a Taurus don’t read my blog. They’re the most beautiful soul-sucking humans I’ve ever met. Sure, their might be one or two that are ok, but their smooth exterior and humble disposition is a load of fucking shit. They want two things, fame and ALL your money. If a Taurus is in your life go and check how much money you had before you met them, it’s safe to say that they found a way to insert themselves into your life so that you feel you owe the beautiful disaster your Benjamins’

Eventually, I wiped the snot nosed tears away from my face about SG’s expectancy and started doing crunches. My options were limited it was either get back in shape and finish reading this book or shave my head and get fat. I’ve been letting my glorious hair grow out from a hideous mom bob I got from a scissor happy stylist in the South. Also, I’m now in the book of Ecclesiastes. Surprisingly, Ecclesiastes is more my style. The first paragraph of the NIV Version, ‘Everything is Meaningless’ -very dark and fatalistic, Love it.

Ironically, Kimmie and Southern Gentleman gave me the two greatest gifts… A bible and a baby-And then walked away. HA! How sweet the gift of the betrayers turned out to be! Naturally, I am still angry with both of them- I am a Scorpio. Kimmie for not showing up at a lawyers office for our business dispute that happened on October 22, 2012 -Her no show spoke volumes of how much respect she had for me. About as much as people who don’t pick up their dogs shit in a beautiful park…And SG for his choice to start a family with a bumpkin from Alabama and neglect his responsibilities to his first born. 

Aww, Fuck it.

Trust in Me

Posted in Uncategorized on February 10, 2017 by Veronica Graham

‘Trust in me, close your eyes, you’re safe now that I’m around’ Too many snakes out here… Too many fucked up people waiting for me to snap. Gotta stay positive but it’s like trying to walk out of a tar pit. I fucking can’t seem to catch a break. It’s two steps forward and 10 back.  I’m suffocating over here. Between family shit, money problems, looking for other professional options, selling shit for money-it’s too much. Not sure where God is or why I even bother praying. Really feeling the weight of the world and I’m so close to gaining independence but my set backs are happening way to frequently. I’m choking up left and right, tears of frustration.

It’s almost Valentines Day, eating shitty candy from CVS and sending people gifts with hearts and tokens of love is what it’s all about…Cupid came to my home early this year. He shot an arrow laced with cyanide straight to my heart. Southern Gentlemen is expecting a child with his new girlfriend in May. That is the same month that my little cherub was born. My cherub hasn’t seen his father in a long time. No cards, no gifts, no calls, no nothing. Even when we lived in the South, he rarely made time for visits.  Little one will be three in May and he’s been telling me in a cute little voice ‘I go to Georgia, Daddy working.’ I’ve been getting asked questions about Daddy a lot lately. Honestly, I didn’t expect my baby to start asking where his dad is at such a young age. I don’t think it would be a good idea to say ‘Daddy is a piece of shit who bailed on us, chose partying over us, rejected rehab and is starting a new family with someone else.’

Hopefully, I will be chill enough to speak the truth to him when he’s older in a loving and respectful way. Now, I just smile and say ‘Daddy loves you very much and will come visit when he’s done working.’ No one preps you for things like this and I know how the hate between parents feels so I really don’t say mean things about Daddy at all. I didn’t want to spew hate because I still had hope that he would show up for our kid. He broke my heart, but honestly who hasn’t. However, I never thought I could feel heartbroken for my child. I thought people just said that shit. I have a very healthy, active, and extremely smart child. If you met the little tike, even if you didn’t like kids, your heart would melt. I’ve never been able to understand how SG’s been able to just bail out. I held on for so long from a distance. I would give him pep talks about life- Even suggested he move to the DMV, rent a room, get a new job, possibly model in NYC, become a barista-Anything as to not miss out on this awesome kid grow up. Coming back to the DMV was the best overall choice for me and I am doing better, not great but better than what I was in Georgia to support a home.

Aside from the fact that I’m flat out crushed, I was planning to make enough money to take little one on a trip to see Daddy this summer- Just be the awesome mom who makes dreams come true and doesn’t let personal feelings get in the way of anything. You know, try to be the bigger person, try not to be a shitty selfish mom. Try to give little buddy time with his dad even if only for a couple days. I kept getting blown off by SG after we moved here that I thought if I stopped antagonizing him, stopped bitchin’ about money, stopped with all the baby mama drama-things would get better. Maybe he’d help out or realize that home is where his child is. My silence didn’t change a damn thing.

I’m so teary eyed- My brain has so many memories surfacing like a montage. I can never forget the few good times I witnessed between the two of them and when it was the three of us. It can never go back to that and I don’t know when I’ll be able to face SG again, I won’t be able to make the trip this summer. It was picture perfect for a moment in time for all of us and I am up to my neck in stress, drenched in tears and have a very heavy heart. His choice changes so many things, I’ve yet to process all of it. I’ve got a lot of work a head of me that needs to be done to keep a stable and safe home for my sweet angel, emotionally and financially.

—-Don’t be the person who misses out on their child growing up. They’re only little and only yours for a short while.