Archive for April, 2011

Day 7: “My Wasian Half”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on April 30, 2011 by Veronica Graham

Last night I had a dream that I was dating my celebrity obsession: Eminem and my best friend Kimmie was dating her celebrity obsession: Leonardo DiCaprio.  We were in the Colorado mountains of Detroit and… I kissed Leo.  I cheated on my dream boyfriend with my best friend’s dream boyfriend.  I woke up feeling weirdly guilty.  What the hell kind of friend was I?!  So, this morning, Kimmie asked if I would help her tape an audition.  I said, Of course, Friend!  Whom I would never wrong!  She just needed to perform two pieces, and I thought, Cool.  This will be done in no time.  Of course, in her hardcore Asian ways, she went over both pieces for HOURS- with no break, strict criticism of each take with, “Ugh, that totally sucked” and refused to eat until she was done.  I kept an omnipresent smile on my face through her freakish self-criticism and filmed her so long that I was late to work (and in my line of work, late is almost as bad as showing up naked.)  “I’m so sorry!”  Kimmie said.  “No, I’m fine!  We’re fine!  We’re fine, right?” I said.  Kimmie is by far my closest friend, a sister from another mister you might say (forgive my rhyming, I still can’t get Eminem out of my head), and the only friend where my mega slutdom hasn’t effected our relationship.

I met Kimmie St. Claire 5 years ago when we were both brand new employees at a super fancy day spa outside of DC.  She’s a half Korean, half American beauty (White+Asian = Wasian) and the kind of girl I hated in high school.  You know her type- over achieving, front row center, hands always in the air to answer every question and scoffed at sluts like me.  Man, she was annoying.  Well, her type was.  The 5 star day spa had a strict black & white dress code and when they told me to straighten my crazy curly hair and Kimmie to wear more make up, the following day I walked in with a spaghetti strap tank, hair extra wild and she walked in with converse sneakers and I knew there was enough bad girl in this smarty pants for us to be friends.

Soon afterwards, Kimmie and I were cast in a horror movie  (before I quit acting all together and became a freelance makeup artist) she was the lead and I played the role of “best friend.” We went from on-screen best friends to real life best friends by the time the movie wrapped.  Kimmie today is rising starlet, writer, and producer of Independent films- she has a spitfire temper, a do or die attitude, and in true Asian girl fashion: has a strict application process before putting out her Wasian-Freak-Nasty-Ways.

Kimmie doesn’t have too many friends, not just because she’s doesn’t have a filter, but because she’s so damn self-absorbed, ok, focused is a nicer description.  So self-absorbed, ahem, focused- that potential friends can’t snap her out of her world and men rarely do.  Once you have entered her world, though, she’s proven to be the most loyal friend (just like in the Taurus zodiac descriptions)  I’ve tried to take a page out of Kimmie’s book in the years we’ve been friends:  roll my eyes at good-looking guys that try to talk to me at bars, honest, focus on my work, and zoom ahead in life with such ferocity that only the worthy men and friends can break get through.  (Not that Kimmie hasn’t dated some losers- hell, some guys can get past anyone’s radar.)

As much as Kimmie has been through with me and my never-ending drama with men.  I was convinced that she had no idea what a mega-slut I am.

“Everyone knows,” Kimmie said to me.

“Well, no.  Maybe you do- I mean, we’re such good friends-”

“No.”  Kimmie cuts me off, rolling her eyes like she does when people don’t understand her right away.  “Everybody knows.”

I guess announcing a different boyfriend every few weeks kind of gave away that my behavior wasn’t exactly chaste…

“Who’s everybo-”

“Everybody.  Everybody.  It’s OK, nobody knew you even were trying to hide it.”

There are many reasons why Kimmie is my best friend, but the heart of it came when she revealed to me how transparent of a slut I am.  I was so worried about her judging me and she said, “Veronica, if you were happy sleeping with half of DC, then I’m happy for you… But you’re not… Being a slut isn’t a problem, it’s the way that it makes you feel that’s the problem.”

Somehow as I’ve pushed nearly everyone away in my life by my behavior, Kimmie has been the one friend that it has yet to effect.  I wish I could say it’s because I’ve always been on my best behavior around her, but she’s been around for the Top 10 Veronica Shameless & Bitchiest Moments.  I try to interpret my dream, thinking, maybe I’ll push Kimmie away one day like most of my other friends…  But I do believe, for my best friend, if Leo and I were driving up the Rocky Mountain to get to Eminem’s house on the top, I wouldn’t sneak him a kiss…  And I can’t say that would be true if this were 5 years ago when we first met.

Here’s to 359 Days, Veronica Graham, to keeping friends-not losing them-

Day 6: “Daddy Issues”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on April 29, 2011 by Veronica Graham

Today I yelled at my father.  Yelled is an understatment, my head lifted off my shoulders and it spun around puking green demon vomit all over my father.  My father is an ex-Naval officer, still working in his 60s, trying to make a living and putting my younger brother through college.  He’s been gracious enough to pick me up when I’ve fallen over the last 20-something years of my life and for some reason he is always the brunt of my banshee screaming.

I was the kid that parents wished they could put back.  It’s like that toy you get from the sand treasure box and quickly return it to get something new.  My brother is the super awesome secret prize that only one person can get out of that sandbox.  You know what kid I am- they made a movie about it called Problem Child.  Great movie, but there’s a reason why they didn’t make the sequal Problem Teen or Problem Young Adult.  I was the Problem Child, Problem Teen, and Problem Young Adult… I was probably the Problem Baby and from what I’ve heard, I was the Problem Fetus.

You’d figure someone in my position would appreciate my father taking me in when I was 14 and rescuing me from San Francisco when I was 18 and rescuing me from my ex-convict boyfriend when I was… well, let’s just say way too old to be playing around with boys THAT bad.  So why does my dad get the brunt of all my pissed off psycho glory?  I mean, he gets the Muhammad Ali version of the Veronica wrath, and yet he’s the one that means the most to me in my life.

The fact is that I still view my dad the same way I did when I was 5 years old.  Invincible.  He’s capable of everything and deserves some hot young dame that will make him feel like he’s 22 again- who also knows how to cook, clean, and never cries.  (Sorry, interested ladies- he’s married!)  I expect things from him that only a superhero could handle and I spit out venom bullets because he’s bullet proof.

The reality of this situation is:  I’m too old for this shit.  My dad will always mean the world to me and I am the rare specimen of slut out there that isn’t whoring myself around because my father neglected or abandoned me.  Unfortunately, there’s just been no one else that could compare to him:  he’s bared the brunt of my wrath with excellent bulletproof strength, loved me unconditionally, and even gets my head out of my ass.  No guy I’ve dated has been able to bare this wrath of mine, and quite frankly, shouldn’t.

I have to learn to say to myself, “Come on, Veronica!  Shut your damn mouth, take a xanax, count to ten, and down a Modelo like the rest of the working adults out there!”  Then pop in the dvd of The Princess and the Frog, because Raymond never fails to put me in a good mood.

Here’s to 360 Days- Veronica Graham, Don’t make me light my butt!

Day 5: “I am the Scorpion!”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on April 28, 2011 by Veronica Graham

Today a friend at work gave me a ring with a scorpion on it.  It’s one of those cool, silver, spinning rings, but it had two cut out scorpions on it.  I also have a belt with a real life scorpion infused in the buckle like the mosquito in Jurassic Park that the old guy had on his walking stick.

I am a true Scorpio.  Emotional, Passionate, Reckless, Can sting you with our poisionous tails (no pun intended), and although this isn’t an official characteristic:  tend to be addicted to sex.

I embrace my Scorpio personality, I mean, I can’t help it- I just happened to be born within that zodiac time period.  I’m not gonna get out of hand here, I love Jesus (even though I always change the station away from Christian radio- what’s with Jesus music sucking so bad???!!), but I find my Scorpio personality as both a blessing and a curse.  I nail job interviews, I’m always the life of the party, and can attract pretty much any guy I have my eye on.  The reckless side of the Scorpio persona tends to make me forget about the angel on my shoulder, saying, No! to that one night stand.  Where most people have that twinge of guilt and voice in their heads- mine is silent.  Silent like crickets on a beautiful summer night… you know, the kind of night you have sex to… I miss it so much, but Day 5 is an empowered day for me!  This is the day the harsh-tongued, bad ass Scorpio ruled.

I went to a friend’s house where my most recent ex, Latino-Hot-Lips, was hanging out.  Who am I kidding?  I knew he was there.  He asked me to go on a walk on this beautiful night.  I said yes! (shocker, huh?)  All of three of us (my friend, Latino-Hot-Lips, and myself) went on the walk.  After we returned, I left and went home.  LHL called me to keep hanging out and this was a time for me to make this one a clean break.  An honest break.

I drove and picked up LHL. I told him I lied when I said I was in love with him and I never intended on moving in with him.  I blurted out, “Look, when I said I loved you, I didn’t mean it!”  Total asshole moment for me, but at least it was honest for once and it was what I owed him.  He did what I expected and walked home, so pissed that he wouldn’t even accept a ride back.  I was left alone, with the crickets, to wallow in this feeling of being a total bitch.  I’m not used to this, since I usually push guys away to the point where they’re the asshole.

I’m happy for myself that I didn’t sleep with him, because the night was gorgeous and so was he!  He even touched my leg once that made me think, What vow?  If he wasn’t the gentleman he was and kissed me, all I would have heard in my head were crickets.   My Scorpio tongue saved me and at least I could go home with my virtue.

I hope this is a start of a more honest Veronica Graham, speaking the truth even if it’s not what the other person wants to hear, something I’ve wished for from other guys I’ve been with… I can lie my way into a bedroom, but somewhere once I heard that honesty is the key to a healthy relationship… In the Bible, in the New Testament I’m sure… I am planning on going to church again, by the way.

Here’s to 361 Days- Veronica Graham, the scorpion bitch-  Sigh, I am a bitch…

Day 4: “The Friend”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on April 27, 2011 by Veronica Graham

SOoooo… I drunk dialed an old, old, old flame, I mean, friend.  Not just any flame, er… friend. My favorite “go to” for a decade. He’s dark (this is a pattern of mine), successful, and clever and he was going to go from friend to flame to “I do.”

 With this guy, I geared into full psycho mode:  I would drive by his house, bring him a meal or two while he was at work, and the list goes on…. I stopped at nothing to be near him and to prove myself to him since the 10th grade.  I even serenaded him with that song by Macy Gray “I Try”… In the driveway at his parents house, as he was leaving, I opened up my mouth and said, “This is my song to you!”  And sang “I Try.”

He immediately placed me into the “friend zone”…  The never-ending purgatory!   I was stuck in it.  FOREVER. (With minimal benefits.)  While all my hot friends got to have a piece of him!  Unfair!  In typical psycho fashion, I was sure that if he gave me the same chance as my friends, he would never leave… Or I would never let him leave… Ok, I wasn’t that psycho- plus, there are laws for a reason.

What is it that made me call an ex- er… flame, er… friend, er… ex-flame-friend in a moment of “weakness?”  So what if he told me he never wanted to speak to me again?  AND told all my friends that he never wanted to speak to me again?  So what if I ruined our “friendship- er, flameship” by sleeping with someone he was related to?

Sooo… I called.  Yes, I did.  For that someone-he-was-related-to’s number… Drunk dials were so much better before caller ID!  What genius invented this “slut exposure?”  Granted, this drunk dial happened before my vow of abstinence- exactly, one day before, but this friend knew me for a decade, remember?  He knew the full potential of my psychoness and there’s no way his clever and beautiful dark hands were going to press “Answer” on that cell.

Of course, he didn’t pick up.  Crazy, since it was only 5:11 AM!  But a phone call to a friend today made it known that everyone now knows about my moment of “weakness.”  I needed- ok, wanted- that number!  And maybe, just maybe, all my panties had gone missing while my dog ran out.

Psycho or not, I missed my friend and my 15 year slut saga hurt more people than just myself.  The Modelos (way better than Bud Lights) and late night delusion was enough for me to ring his number and hear his voice on his answering machine.

Here’s to 362 Days- Veronica Graham, psychoing phoning since 1996-

Day 3: “One-Night-Harley”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on April 26, 2011 by Veronica Graham

It was a beautiful day today, I was in my car listening to 311 on my way to work when this sexy car speeds up to check me out and in an instant cuts me off to get to the light ahead of me.  Naturally, I was intrigued.  Sexy car = Sexy guy.  I watched him look back through his driver side mirror and of course, it was One-Night-Harley!  Don’t think that this is fate bringing back an ex, my exes are everywhere… it’s easy when you date all the good-looking men in this town.

One-Night-Harley caught my eye in a bar which led to a one night stand, which led to a two month relationship.  This bar is now forbidden Veronica Graham entry because of the number of One-Night-Someones I’ve met there.  My friends refuse to take me there.  Harley was charming, young, great looking- biker guy with style.  During our two month “relationship,” I met his family (and they loved me, but what’s not to love?), great sex (yes, on the Harley- yes, the bike), and I hated his best friend.  I knew there was no future with One-Night-Harley and I was already planning an escape route, but before I could execute the plan, he had the nerve to dump me!  Why did he dump me?  Because of the three simple words:  I love you.  Obviously, I didn’t mean it- I couldn’t stand the asshole!  I just wanted to leave him first and like a wild animal smelling fear- I could sense he was going to dump me.

Why in God’s name would someone say I love you to someone you were planning on leaving?  It’s the last resort.

I’m the kind of girl that like to shop before she drops.  I hate being alone.  I hate it now and always hated it- let’s just call it a child issue and leave it at that.  This isn’t Dr. Phil for crying out loud.  I wanted a new target- the problem was that nothing (no one) was quite in style yet and therefore, I wasn’t ready to have Harley totally filter out, just on his way… slowly.

The “relationship” with Harley was over.  Dead.  I knew it, I was just hoping he wouldn’t quite yet.  If it wasn’t dead for him yet- it was when I said I Love You.  He gasped and had the look of terror in his eyes before babbling, “Uh…. I’m not looking for a relationship…”  Oh Really??!!  I guess the Christmas plans with his family changed!

OK, so why did I want to follow One-Night-Harley when I saw him again today?  Fate?  I was meant to?  He was checking me out and that’s a clear invitation?  He contacted me not too long ago and I forgot (ok, too pissed) to respond?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.   <— that’s my problem.

But I didn’t and I went to work and life goes on.  Except that I’m here still thinking about him, Mr. Failed Relationship # 723929

I’m afraid it’s only Day 3 and I’m worried what will happen- when One-Night-Harley isn’t the person I see on Day 100, but it’s Mr. The Love of my Life that Got Away…

Here’s to 363 Days- Veronica Graham, fast cars get fast girls-

Day 2: “Jesus and Jezebel”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on April 25, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I woke up this morning with the intent to go to church…It didn’t happen because I felt ill from drinking too much the night before. When I finally decided to wake up, I crawled out of bed and sat in front of the mirror to apply my makeup,  the name Jezebel was ringing in my head.  Jezebel was famous for putting on makeup before her execution, not to mention being associated with sluts!

I’m trying to turn around this Jezebelish behavior through prayer, but of course me being me… I stood up Jesus. On Easter Sunday.  The only man who wants me not to have sex more than I do.

Let’s face it, I’ve always been excellent at lying to those around me as well as myself- polluting the air with good intentions that are full of shit. Last night I swore I’d only have one drink but I ended up having five and thinking about how to get my ex into the back seat of my car. Of course, what I said out loud was “you know who I should really check up on just to see if they’re ok…hmmm…my ex.” This is one of my favorite excuses as well as the all too familiar crisis-call. You know…the classics: my car broke down, my grandmother died again, my shoes are untied and all of my panties are missing “would you be so kind as to help me find them?”  But no worries, I couldn’t even deny the stench of my own bullshit and went home and straight to bed.

So, I missed church… It’s Easter…  SO WHAT?! I’ve done much worse and I’m sure Jesus understood, but then, like a scene out of a movie….while I was driving, the heavens opened up and golf ball sized hail attacked me, and I thought “Great, it’s the Second Coming… Please God, just let me pull over and put my hazards on before you abandon me!” I mean, I get it… I stood up Jesus and now I’ve been left behind, but dammit I haven’t had sex in two days… Kurt Cameron couldn’t even get me to spread eagle right now (Yes, Jesus, kudos to you for putting the Fear of God in me.)  Doesn’t that count for something?

So, I should have gone to church, sick and all.  And no, I shouldn’t have had those five drinks, but I did go home instead of doing the deed in my now dented car- and that’s evidence of progress.  All in all- I’m not where I want to be spiritually, or even how honest I’d like to be with myself, but I AM 48 hours further away from the Jezebel I was.

Here’s to 364 days- Veronica Graham,  JC, please don’t come back until AFTER my vow has been fulfilled-

DAY 1: How to turn a “Ho into a Housewife”

Posted in Uncategorized on April 23, 2011 by Veronica Graham

Hi, My name is Veronica Graham and I’m a slut! I’ve been sleeping around for fifteen years in search of a husband. I know how that sounds, but it is what it is. This is my last attempt while I’m still in my twenties to turn this “Ho into a Housewife”. I have made a personal pact with myself to be celibate for 365 days.

 I’m an attractive women in her late twenties with a fetish for high heel shoes. I have a blossoming career as a freelance makeup artist and I love it!  My relationship with men has threatened all of my awesomeness and I have willingly compromised myself time and time again in search of love through sex.  I’ve dated all types…from lawyers to millionaires and convicts. Let’s just say I don’t discriminate. My problem is that I’m unable to say no and am a victim of opportunity, this is why I have chosen to remain abstinent  for one year to reverse the cycle of slutiness

 I have no idea if this will work, but I’m afraid that if I don’t make this change I will never be girlfriend material. Especially not wife material. So world, here I come with my chastity belt locked hoping that if I find the one with the key that I can book it in the opposite direction before I end up face down and ass up.  

Here’s to 365 days- Veronica Graham, keeping her legs shut-