Archive for May, 2011

Day 38: “Memorial Day Instincts”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 31, 2011 by Veronica Graham

For this Memorial Day, I didn’t go to a barbecue, didn’t get wasted, and didn’t go to a pool, but I can say that all around- it was a pretty good day lost in my thoughts. I thought a lot of Mother Graham and her Jesus ranting about how I’ll go to hell if I don’t start going to church and if I believed that someone I cared about would go to hell- burn for eternity- for not following certain rules– like, REALLY believed that… how can you not go a little crazy and rant to the one you love?  Another person on my mind was another crush I developed while filming- the eccentric sound guy.  There was something about him that was so intriguing and interesting to me- it’s been hard not to think about him and how I would love to sit down with him and have a cup of coffee- I mean, cup of sex.  

I flirted with the sound guy a little during filming and even told him to call me to make dinner reservations while I gave him my business card, but something tells me that he thought I was joking.  The truth is:  I love weird guys.  Guys that are smarter than me, usually older than me, and can understand my weird side when it comes out.  Today is the last day of filming for him and I’m wondering if he’ll bite the bullet and call me for that dinner date… probably not, but it’s all right, for this guy- I’m willing to be a little more aggressive to let him know I’m not joking around.

I spent a little bit of time at the National Harbor today with Kimmie- one, because it’s a few minutes away from me and two, because
it seemed like the Memorial Day thing to do.  I saw the statue of “The Awakening,” and couldn’t help but admire his stone biceps… Hey, I’m a recovering slut and there are some thoughts that will enter my mind no matter what.  The statue is similar to the Greek figure, Enceladus- one of Gaia’s giants that challenged the Gods and was speared by Athena and buried beneath the earth.  In “The Awakening,” the giant looks like he’s trying to escape earth and I think about the times I’ve challenged God myself and the ways I’ve been speared down… just trying to dig myself up again to cause more trouble.  When I told my mother about the sound guy, she immediately started ranting about things God has told her about this man, “he’s into really kinky sex” she said.  

“I JUST told you about him!” I said to her.

“Well, I already knew about him, because God told me.”

I want to be able to make good choices, but one of the things about me is that I’m up for pretty much anything- I don’t think this is a bad trait…  How do I balance the two?  Spontaneous behavior- enjoying life to its fullest and making good choices for myself?  So many things come in hindsight- like maybe Nice-Shy-Guy would have been a serial killer and I would have probably regretted the midnight kiss… but he wasn’t.  I feel like my intuition is good enough, that if I tune in- I can listen to it enough to see what moments are good or dangerous.

A friend that I haven’t been in too much contact with called me tonight to hang out.  I love her, she’s a good person and a good friend… the problem is the guy she is seeing reminds me so much of Iago that it scares me to be around him.  I know he’s dangerous- to her and to myself.  How do I balance being a friend to her and avoid him?  Especially when I see her drowning in his grip.  I want to be there as a friend to her, but I’m afraid that if I make too much of a presence around this guy… it’s only a matter of time before something terrible happens.  He’s a criminal, just like Iago… and there’s something not quite right about him… just like Iago.  The “something” doesn’t come from his words or actions, it’s just a vibe I get- but the vibe is so potent, that I can’t believe it’s not real.

Another piece of advice always given to me was “to always listen to your instincts.”  A feeling or vibe is nature’s way of letting you know when danger is near… but being someone who is driven by emotion so much, it’s difficult for others and even myself to take me seriously when I do feel something.  For now, I think I’ll see my friend and leave when or if he arrives… but man, I can’t shake that feeling of impending doom… whether it be her or me…

Here’s to 328 Days, Veronica Graham, Hey Sound Guy– Call me!  Seriously.  😉

Day 37: “Jesus vs. the Vow “

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 30, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I met with Mother Graham briefly today before work because I promised her I would see her once I got back from filming. She knows about my blog but has never read it to my knowledge, but knows it’s a vow of abstinence… which has to do with Jesus- ALL things have to do with Jesus when it comes to my mother. 

I told her about my kiss and she told me that meant I was no longer celibate.  Then we got into a fight.

So I kissed a guy, after to talking to MG about it I felt guilty. 

I looked up the definition once again of what celibacy means because it was starting to get to me that I may have broken my vow. Luckily, kissing isn’t referred to as sexual intercourse but MG begs to differ… Celibacy is not having sexual relations with someone- period, according to mother dearest. Sex, oral, fingering and anal would be considered breaking my vow according to the Bible, but my point going into this was not a religious venture.  This vow was about no sex- I’m not allowed to have a dick entering my vagina.  Sex is where things go array for me… so did I feel guilty about my midnight kiss with Nice-Shy-Guy?  NO… until I spoke with my mother.  

“You can’t be around temptation.”  “What about all the girls reading your blog?”  “What if you can’t say no one of the times?”  This is my mother’s concern and started to become mine after our lunch date.

Being in Ocean City and in my life in general- I’ve had opportunities to kiss guys… but for the first time I felt like I CHOSE this Nice-Shy-Guy to kiss… it was more than just circumstantial and two horny adults wanting to get some action.  I felt like the situation and the guy was too perfect to pass up.  I was at a bar earlier with guys looking for girls to get into trouble with and they were not worthy of my first kiss.  

My talk with Mother Graham gave me the chance to think about what this vow means to me:  If I meet a guy tonight and he fingers me- yes, that would be considered… a backwards step.  If I’ve been in a relationship for months and we break the “fingering” barrier.. no, I don’t believe that’s wrong.  If we have sex before Day 366, that’s blatantly breaking my vow.  

At the end of the day this vow is about finding myself, being someone who can be a good friend and girlfriend, and finding love.  This doesn’t mean that if I’m single at day 366, I’m going to look for a one-night-stand.  I can’t.  But I do know that sex is a part of relationships- a healthy part of one.  If I meet a guy on Day 100- no, we will not have sex, but I do think it would be healthy step to make out and then move onto 2nd base and then to blow jobs and fingering until my vow is up and we’re READY for sex.

Going into this vow was a pretty rash decision for me, but now that I’m 37 days into it- it’s one of the healthiest decisions I’ve ever had to make for myself.  I’ve had to really think about how I am to the people I’m around and what things MEAN to me (like what does celibacy mean and why I’m doing this for myself.)  I’ve also observed more than I ever have before in my life.  I observe how people interact with one another- how guys treat a drunk gal at a bar vs. a classy one sipping on a martini, why people go for “types,” and other things that I’ve yet to master.

My mother loves Jesus.  Obsessed with Jesus.  Jesus is her life.  She’s the type of person that would frame a piece of toast that had Jesus’s face burnt into it.  I love Jesus too and although I am religious, every aspect of my life doesn’t revolve around Jesus.  I’ll pray and ask for guidance and I do feel like I see God in the good things in life… but for so long, I haven’t been a good thing in life (for myself and others) and I need to look internally to make myself a better person, a kinder person, and a less slutty person.

This video was sent to me by Kimmie once (who did wait for love before losing her V-Card) and it was sent to her by a childhood friend worried for her while she was in college to warn her about them evil college boys.  I might have thought the video and song was lame a few years back, but it hit home with me and maybe will for others as well.   

Here’s to 329 Days, Veronica Graham, Love you, Mom- but damn, this Jesus talk is wearing on me!

Day 36: ” First Kiss”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 29, 2011 by Veronica Graham

So, I do realize this is coming a day late- but I didn’t get home until about 4:30 in the morning from filming yesterday (or I guess, technically earlier today…)  Kimmie and I arrived at our hotel room at Ocean City on Friday, beautiful suite room with the ocean in our backyard.  It was an amazing and productive day and later on, we met up with some of the cast and crew at a restaurant for a couple of drinks.  An early call time and a LONG shoot day had us head out early and pass out, but not before I wrote my Day 35 entry.

When Kimmie and I travel together, we talk nonstop.  We’ll talk the entire way traveling and talk before we go to bed, we turn into 3rd graders at a sleepover.  Mostly talking about our passions, what we’re going to wear, family, and of course, the guys in our life.  After Kimmie had fallen asleep, I found myself suddenly wide awake and stepped outside of my room for a cigarette.  Standing outside smoking as well was, Nice-Shy-Guy, smoking a cig as well, shivering from the nighttime cold.  We talked and I couldn’t help but admire this cutie.  There are moments when I look at my life and I think, “Damn, it sucks!” and then there was that moment Friday night– smoking a cigarette with this total cutie, who couldn’t even look me in the eye, and admiring the ocean.

“Do you want to jump in the ocean with me?” I asked the Nice-Shy-Guy.

“Ummm…” he laughed shyly.  “It’s really cold out.”

“Come on!”  So maybe I also had a few glasses of wine.  “Don’t you want to just run out there and jump in the ocean and maybe make out?”

Nice-Shy-Guy laughed shyly again- totally turning me on.

“I’ll go in knee deep,” he agreed.

I couldn’t help but think about my vow, a little buzzed from the wine and drunk from the beach, I jumped back into my hotel room and woke up Kimmie.  “I want to make out with that guy out there, is that ok?”

Kimmie mumbled something back in her sleep, probably a “what?” but I took it as a “yes, friend!  It’s absolutely fine!”  I tried asking again, but she pulled the blanket over her head- a clear green light to have my first kiss since my vow… I mean, she wasn’t trying to stop me, right?

I ran outside and started running towards the ocean.  Nice-Shy-Guy followed me and I jumped in, not noticing the cold, with the moon light and the lights from the boardwalk illuminating the water just right for us to see exactly what was going on and with enough darkness to add to the allure of mystery as we two strangers kissed in the water.  I would run deeper into the ocean, loving the cold, and run back to the Nice-Shy-Guy for quick little make out sessions.  Being a Nice-Shy-Guy, he kept his hands to gentleman standards: On my arm, my back, and my face.  After about thirty minutes, I asked him how he was doing.

“I’m okay now,” he answered.  “My feet are numb, so they’re not cold anymore.”

I decided maybe it was time to release the guy.  I tip toed back into my hotel room and fell asleep.

The following morning, Kimmie’s alarm went off and she instructed me to get up and get ready for the shoot.  I was drowsy from only getting a few hours of sleep, but I was on my feet in no time, preparing coffee for the both of us.  I knew I would never see Shy-Nice-Guy again, but there was something about this kiss that satisfied me for my “first kiss.”  Sure, I could have waited for a potential boyfriend or a guy I would at least see again, but there was something about seizing the moment with this stranger that was completely (ok, maybe a little reluctantly) down for my midnight dip adventure.

I am the type of girl that tends to get carried away: with guys- a kiss turns to sex pretty easily, with drinks- one turns to five, with shopping- “just looking” turns to maxing out my credit card, and with fights- a harmless bicker with a good friend turns to mega fight with my arch nemesis.  I knew this guy wouldn’t take advantage of my drunken glee or my spontaneous nature- he was just a shy guy that I learned was once overweight, not too good with girls, from Baltimore, and just out for a cigarette.  He was the perfect guy for my first kiss and a spontaneous midnight swim on the beach was an ideal scene for it as well.  Given the way I approached him, he probably thought I did stuff like this all the time, but little did he know that before I was too slutty to spot a guy like him- someone who would treat me like a lady while indulging in my momentary fantasy.

The rest of the shoot was one of the longest I’ve been on, but it was also one of the best.  I was all smiles and it turns out good moods are contagious- no matter what obstacles we faced filming on a busy boardwalk on Memorial Day weekend, we were all in amazing spirits.

Here’s to 330 Days, Veronica Graham, it was a GREAT “first kiss,”he sure knew how to work that tongue!

Day 35: “Ocean City Blues”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on May 28, 2011 by Veronica Graham

Today started with Kimmie ringing my door bell for 45 mins and I had overslept my alarm.  When I finally answered the door because the dog was going nuts, she was giving me the death look.

“Do you want a cup of coffee?” I asked.

“NO,” she said.  “We gotta go.”  We were running late for Ocean City to be on set for an Independent film.  She was tapping her foot and we got into a full blown screaming match while I was packing.  Instead of saying, “Could you help me pack?”  It came out, “CAN’T YOU HELP ME PACK?”

“WHY DO YOU NEED ALL THIS STUFF?!”

“BECAUSE!!!”

“BECAUSE IS NOT ALL THAT LOGICAL!”

“WHATEVER.”

“WHATEVER!!!”

We finally got on the road and 20 mins later, we were laughing about our fight- one of the reasons I love being friends with Kimmie, she’s always able to let bygones be bygones after a good yelling session.  On the way to OC, Kimmie and I were talking about the demographic in DC- particularly when it came to dating and how frustrating the men in our city could be…

I remember working in a restaurant in DC and waiting on a table with two guys and overhearing one saying, “DC has the ugliest women.”

Then I read someplace that DC was ranked the 10th ugliest city in the Untied States.  I don’t know if I agree that DC is the UGLIEST city in the US (seems a little harsh), but it is one of the most RESERVED cities.  I find dating being difficult here because of how many reserved guys there are- so many promises with very little follow through or initiative.  Great dates that end with no move at the end.  Connections that turn into missed connections.  Here in Ocean City, I find the opposite problem:  The guys here are ridiculously forward.

Kimmie and I were walking to a restaurant to meet up with some of the cast and crew and on the way two guys walked by us.  “I’m from JERSEY!” one of them said.

We didn’t say much.  One of the guys walked right in front of Kimmie and said, “Can I have a hug?”

“No,” she said.

“Aw, come on!”

“I don’t want to give you a hug.” she could be such a bitch sometimes. 

The guy then moved to me, he grabbed my face and he said, “I want to touch your boobs!”

He TRIED to grab my boobs.  Yes, I have nice boobs, but seriously, what the hell??!  “You’re an asshole!” I yelled.  I couldn’t believe how aggressive he was.  Of course, he came back after Kimmie and I. 

“Hey!” He said.

“Get away from us,” Kimmie instructed the guy.

“Fuck my dick!” This guy says… yeah, a real genius this guy was.

I open my mouth and said, “You’re going home with your right hand because NOBODY will sleep with you!”

The guys scurried away from us, but honestly, I can’t say I’ve been in this position with a complete stranger before- especially at 4:00 in the afternoon.  After stressing about how many reserved guys there are in DC- I think I’d rather take that then the guys looking for trouble out here in Ocean City.  Ideally, I’d find a guy with a healthy medium- one who can follow through on promises made or not afraid to go in for a kiss at the end of a date, but it’s only been 35 days and I’ve yet to go on a date yet… so I guess I can wait a little longer before meeting that perfect balanced guy.

Tomorrow is a heavy day of filming– and once again, I must get to bed early in order to be a more productive person in the morning, but I’m thinking that maybe it’s time to post some “real” photos of me and the places I go.  This blog is no longer a secret to the people I know in my life and the people I don’t know… well, I guess it won’t make much of a difference if you know what I look like, will it?… well, maybe I’ll start that tomorrow… Don’t know if the sleep deprived Veronica is quite ready for that move tonight.

Here’s to 331 Days, Veronica Graham, There are NO hot guys here in OC- I should have packed Mr. Pinky-

Day 34: “My One True Dildo: Mr. Pinky”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 27, 2011 by Veronica Graham

As I was driving around picking up last minute items for Kimmie before filming this weekend, I was listening to the radio- XLSHADE45 and the DJ was talking about how he had a box of dicks in his trunk.  I immediately turned the volume up- a box of DICKS ready to be used?  I was all ears!  The box of dicks were for a promotion of some sort and a caller with the best “story” would get the ultimate prize of a brand new dick.  The winner would be sent a brand new dick in a box, my heart skipped a beat.  I could really use a brand new dick in a box right now…


I haven’t had sex in 34 days and I couldn’t resist the chance to win a brand new dick.  I tried to listen for the number, but it never came up and I lost my chance for a new dick!  But then I remembered where I was going this weekend:  Ocean City, baby!  I get to go to the beach for a film shoot with Kimmie as her make up artist.  Like I said before, I love my job and I LOVE the beach!  Shirtless guys walking around, girls walking around half naked.  Only a pair of thin swim trunks between me and some hot dick.

My current dildo is bright pink and vibrates (duh) and has been pretty reliable for the last two years… the most consistent relationship I’ve had with a dick my entire life.  Pinky is always there, never talks back, and is always happy to see me.  Pinky was a replacement for another dildo I had gotten rid of when I planned on moving out once and I didn’t want to risk my step mother finding it.  Turns out I went to make up school instead and I walked into an MVC and saw pinky- with the perfect curve.  Pinky was the one and I purchased him and a set of double A batteries.

Pinky will not be attending the beach with me.  Film shoots are hectic, and I probably won’t have time to play with any dicks around there (even if I wasn’t on my vow) but it’s really nice to LOOK, you know?  Checking out the swim trunks to see if there is any bulge in the package.  I think about if I need to replace Pinky anytime soon with a newer version, one that can accomplish more… you know?  But, I truly think Pinky is the one for me, and I won’t toss him out like the other two- he’s loyal, curved, and reliable.  Everything I’m looking for in a man.


Well, I’ve got to wake up in a few hours to head to set… on the beach… so one more visit to Pinky is required before I leave him for the weekend.

Here’s to 332 Days, Veronica Graham, You don’t bring sand to the beach-

Day 33: “Summer Suicide Attempt”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 26, 2011 by Veronica Graham

Shortly after I returned from California, I started working at a restaurant in Annandale in Virginia, about 15 mins outside of DC- typically known as “Asiandale” for the Asian demographic there. The owner’s son, Thomas, had come back home from Virginia Tech for the summer and I wanted him.  Oddly, not really in a sexual way, but I could tell he was a catch and I would strategically put myself around or near him doing super interesting things so he would eventually take notice in me and ask me out.  One night as I was leaving the restaurant, he pulled up in his sexy sports car and said, “What’s your number?” I gave it to him (of course) and later that night he called me, we talked forever and he invited me out to have drinks with him the next night.  This was the start of the healthiest relationship I have ever had.  There was no bullshit, no game playing, he treated me like a lady, and I waited like a lady for three months before I gave up my hot goodies.     

It was a Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda that ruined this picture perfect and healthy relationship a year later.  A guy that I had a huge crush on in high school was back in town- he was the guy I had my eye on all through my high school years but could never have, because I was the type of girl he would never date.  He dated Ruby, the queen bee beauty- they were that nauseating movie couple you’d see that wins Homecoming Queen and King.  Well, he was in town and the last person on my mind was my boyfriend, Thomas.  I called him up to hang out and practically jumped on him to make out with me.  I felt guilty, but swore to take this to my grave since I would always be faithful to Thomas from that day forward.

Later that month, I was spending time with Thomas.  His eyes beamed when he saw me that day, we played in his pool, and relaxed by watching basketball on his couch.  I couldn’t handle it at that moment and I told him that I had cheated on him, “but I only kissed him” I promised.  Thomas turned to look at me with that look that I would later learn meant the relationship was over even if the words weren’t said.  After my confession, we tried to make it work, but the fact that I cheated and I was the one who sought him out couldn’t leave Thomas’s mind and one night, it was really over.  

“You cheated on me.  I loved you.  I can never be with you,” he said to me.

I begged him- probably on my knees.  Crying, pleading, every desperate attempt you see in movies and cringe when thinking back on the things I did and said to have him take me back.

“I will never take you back,” he said.  And he never did.  I knew it then he wouldn’t.  

My life was over.  I called a dealer and scored some E.  It was supposed to make you feel good, wasn’t it?  I popped the pill and about 45 mins later, it backfired.  I was wearing my super cool Nike shoes that everyone loved, designer clothes and started to hate the way they felt on me.  I thought about the designer guy I tried to get that made me lose the guy of my dreams and realized how full of shit it all was.  I had decided, tonight was the night I would die and I was comfortable with that.

I drove down to the Potomac River and left my car on, keys in the ignition, and the radio on, thinking about the police finding my body the next day and investigating the crime scene.  I have NO idea what I thought having my car on would have anything to do with me killing myself, but I was on E… obviously I wasn’t thinking clearly.  

I walked into the Potomac, with all my clothes on and my awesome Nikes.  I thought about how Ophelia walked into the river and her clothes weighed her down until she drowned- driven mad because she lost the man she loved.  Yes, I was Ophelia.  The water was above my head and I my feet were stuck in the mud below me and I screamed, “HELP!!!!”  What the hell was I doing?  What was going on??!

“HELP ME!!! PLEASE, GOD, SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!”

I saw someone flashing a light towards the river and I ducked my head below water.  Wait a minute, I was here to die, dammit!  I don’t want to be saved… right?  The next thing I knew, I blacked out… I woke up, with dawn almost breaking, in the water, on the shore.  I had failed.  I was soaked in muddy river water and my clothes and shoes were still weighing me down.  I must have been still tripping, because I remember thinking how DISGUSTING all this materialistic shit was!  I couldn’t stand it!  I ripped off my shirt, my pants, but left on my Nikes.  Practically naked, I ran to the middle of GW Parkway to be saved- I tried to wave down cars, but they avoided me like… some crazy naked girl.  Finally, one man stopped his car and I asked for his cell. 

“What happened to you?” He asked.

“I locked my keys in my car.” I answered.  I pointed to my car behind me to prove my point. 

When he knew I wasn’t going to say more, he gave me his phone and I called Whitney’s boyfriend… of course, me being the girl who calls my friend’s boyfriends and not actually my friends.  He and Whit came to pick me up and saved me from being stranded.  

“What happened to you?” He asked.

“I locked my keys in my car.” I answered, pointing to my car again since it seemed to work for the last guy.

“Why are you wet?”

“BECAUSE… I locked my keys in my car,” I answered with the attitude of a 5 year old.  

When I climbed into his car and I noticed my Nikes were still on my feet, I ripped them off and threw them in the middle of the Parkway!  Yes!  I was free of my designer bullshit items!  THINGS didn’t matter to me!  STATUS didn’t matter to me!  I was free! A new Veronica!  This new Veronica would never screw up a relationship with a guy as good!  

“If you didn’t want those Nikes, you could have given them to me, “Whitney said to me.  

After that night, I knew I could bounce back from anything, no matter how low I felt.  As shitty as I felt yesterday, I’m glad all I did was drink some, write my entry, and sleep in- because today wasn’t so bad.  Because I’m a free woman, bitches, and I can choose to make my days as awesome as those Nikes.

Here’s to 333 Days, Veronica Graham, Still have yet to meet a guy to treat me as well as Thomas had, and maybe never will-

Day 32: “I Fucked Your Boyfriend… Or Wanted To”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 25, 2011 by Veronica Graham

Today was a bad, bad day… A bad day.  A really bad day.  I felt tired, angry, and sick the entire day– What was this crazy feeling brewing deep in me like a keg of Modelos?… Guilt.  Ew, what an unpleasant feeling!  I haven’t been able to stomach it… today was one of the first days I looked in the mirror and hated who I saw:  My hair looks great but deep within my eyes– I saw a scumbag.  I’ve wronged so many people I’ve cared for in my life that it’s amazing the amount of second, fifteen, twenty-seven chances they’ve given me.

In AA, there’s this step that I never made it to and that’s the “I’m sorry” phase.  The thing is that I’m not in contact with many of these people… and I don’t know how to even begin to say I’m sorry.  For the first time in my life, all my wrong doings are starting to tap on my shoulder and whispering, “Confess…. confess… confess…” In a super creepy voice that I can’t take it anymore.

Here’s the people that still matter the most to me and I can’t be sorrier for what I’ve done to you:

KIMMIE:  3 years ago when I was in a fight with you, I’m sorry I contacted your boyfriend and asked him out to drinks and dinner in order to help me with my “math homework.”

WHITNEY:  I’m sorry I called your boyfriend to tell him about the shooting near Safeway… I wanted to call you, but didn’t know how to warn you about not getting shot without talking about how I flipped out on you over text message that one day.

JOY: I’m sorry I flirted with your boyfriend at work… He’s really hot, but you’re a nice girl and I need to avoid him like the Black plague.

HAZEL:  I’m sorry I slept with your dad.

MEGAN:  I’m sorry I kissed Keith… I knew you liked him and I kissed him anyway.

The words, ‘I’m Sorry’ are so difficult for me that every time I know I should say it, my throat tightens up and I can’t get it out.  Maybe I’m afraid of the reaction that I might get from it, but I need to learn how to say “I’M SORRY” out loud as a process of my Ho Recovery.  Thankfully, a couple of those girls are still my friends… and saying Sorry will come much easier in person for them than it will to those that hate the sound of my name.

Flirting has become so second nature to me that I’ve had no concept of boundaries with friendships in the past.  The truth of the matter is… I don’t know how to talk to women or how to be friends with one and how not to flirt with a human being with a penis.  And all this time, I’ve wondered why I have trouble maintaining female friends and why I’m so alienated.  I can honestly say that I’ve in someway, shape, or form I’ve screwed over every female friend in my life due to my insecurities.  I’ve slept with boyfriends… or wanted to- some of my friends had some hot boyfriends!… but the men in the lives of my female friends have no place in mine- I realize this now.  The girls were the ones who were friends with me.  I thought by being friends with their boyfriends was normal… but it’s not when the only way you know how to interact with a guy is by flirting…

 This is so far the hardest entry I’ve had to write so far… but the guilt was weighing on me so much, I just had to let it out that I know how I’ve behaved is wrong.  I’m sorry to all my current and former female friends for fucking, flirting, or even calling the men in your life- the truth of the matter is, the men never mattered and were never there for me as much as my girls were.  I’m starting to realize that I need to work on the basics of human relationships… I need to learn how to be a friend to other females before I can learn how to be a girlfriend…

I would give my pinky to smoke a blunt with you again, Whit… my left pinky… I use my right one a lot, actually.

Here’s to 334 Days, Veronica Graham, CHICKS BEFORE DICKS!