Day 11: “Jaded Bitch that had a Smortion”

Today I am that jaded bitch that hates seeing happy couples… So, the bar I work at a few nights a week– the manager is one of my exes (surprise, surprise) and his wife came in today attacking him with her tongue.  This was the girl he met right after he and I broke up… I know, very Good Luck Chuck of me.  Also, my High-School-Sweetheart (HSS) contacted me… I find out he’s engaged AND she’s expecting!  Yes, how exciting for me… especially since my HSS and I split the cost for an smortion (the real word being too real for me at the moment) when I was 16!

I battle back and forth whether or not the smortion was the right move for me, but the fact of the matter is I was too young and too panicked to decided.  All that was running through my head at the tender- er, frantic, age of 16 was that I didn’t want to get thrown out of my dad’s Pleasantville house, I didn’t want to get fat, I didn’t want to be judged by my high school classmates, and I didn’t want to lose the love of my life- my HSS.  I was so focused on the present situation, I couldn’t think about the future.  Don’t get me wrong:  I’m a liberal, I believe in Pro-Choice and all… and yes, I’m religious at the same token, but I do recognize that I was not able to think through my decision for an abortion– ahem, smortion, through, before I was lying on that cold metal table.  Bottom line:  I would not do it again.

It’s difficult for me at this age- nearing 30, to see happy couples:  My HSS with his lovely pregnant wife, my now manager ex making out with his wife, waiting on a table where two people just met and somehow know that they’re PERFECT for each other.  I wonder when the stars will align for me and when or if I’ll ever get that happily ever after ending.

Then I start to think about just ME.  Just myself and if the HSS wasn’t in the picture and IF I was able to think ahead 9 months from that positive pregnancy test- I’m not sure I would have gone through with the smortion.  IF, in some hypothetical world, I would have kept the child, I probably woudn’t have ever gone through my coke addiction, met Iago the ex-con and wasted 3 years of my life, and I wouldn’t have done all the things I’m still paying for from age 16 to 25.  I know some young woman who kept their children, and it was the strength they had within them at some freakish young age to think 9 months ahead past the fat, partying, and WHO they could possibly miss out on to the human being that they’ve brought into the world (which NONE of them regret) that makes me wish that I would have at least CONSIDERED all of those factors when I was 16….

I’m in a very unique place in my life:  I have a rising career in film and television and I’m getting to know myself more and more… instead of defining me with whoever I’m with… But I still do wonder what it would have been like if I would have left the smortion clinic when I was still a kid… I’m not saying I made the WRONG decision, but I’m not sure I made the RIGHT decision either… I’m just saying I was too young and too frantic at the time to weigh out the difference.

I’m happy for my HSS (ok, maybe a little jealous) and my newly wed manager (Eh), and I don’t want to be the type to look back and think “What if?”  But I do hope to move forward, dodging these blasts from the pasts with excellent agility and learn from who I was to make a better who I will be.

Here’s to 355 Days, Veronica Graham, can’t get out of my head that he/she would have been 13 years old today-

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