Day 12: “The Cheater Conundrum”

I’ve had this constant paranoia when I was dating the ex-con, Iago that he was cheating on me.  Today, I can look back and believe he never did, but there were very few chunks of time that I wasn’t cheating on him and I thought he MUST be cheating on me!

For a while I thought that even my best friend, Kimmie was sleeping with Iago.  The first time I had asked her to meet up with us, she was to meet us at a bar and I was in the restroom at the time she came up.  She walked right up to him and said, “Iago?”  And that was that.  I was suspicious immediately and pulled her aside and grilled her.  “How do you know each other?”

“We don’t. We just met.”

“How did you know which one he was then?”

“Because he was the only one at the bar that looks like a criminal.”  She could be such a bitch sometimes.

Kimmie hated Iago instantly and always had trouble hiding the way she felt about someone.  At the time we were planning a trip to Ireland for the week of Saint Patrick’s Day and Iago and I had only been dating a couple weeks then.  Iago shook his head back and forth as we talked about our plans.

“Isn’t it too early to pull the possessive card?  That’s weird.”  Kimmie said to Iago.

The fact was that Iago was afraid I would be cheating on him while we were in Ireland and although the trip was several months away, he assumed we would still be together then.  And to his credit, we still were together then and I probably would have cheated on him if I had actually gone- but by the time the trip came up, Iago had gotten the best of me and I pulled out of the trip.  Kimmie had paid for the entire vacation at that time and was rightfully upset with me, so upset in fact (since I swore up and down that Iago didn’t have that much control over me), that we stopped speaking for the better part of that year.  I offered to pay her back, of course, but she just waved her hand at me like I was a some kind of annoying insect and said her last words to me until next Thanksgiving, “Don’t even bother.” 

While we were finishing up our drinks upon our first meeting, the waitress handed Iago’s credit card back to him and said, “Have a good night, Iago.”

I shot him a suspicious look.  Was he fucking her too?  The waitress was overweight and friendly.  Maybe he liked bigger women.  Who knew?  “Are  you sleeping with her?” I whispered to him.

“Who?”

“What do you mean who?”
“Who are you talking about?”

“Who are you sleeping with?”
“You.”

“THEN WHY ARE YOU ASKING WHO???”

Yes, psycho, I know.  These psycho conversations happened often.  After dating Iago, it actually took me while to get cheating out of my system.  Relationship after relationship, I had to condition myself from cheating on the guys I was with.  However, knowing how easy it is to cheat and how easy it was to get away with it– it was always difficult for me to trust the men I dated.  I would think that my ideal guy would be someone who worked from home and never made any contact with other women.  Yes, psycho and unrealistic.  However, there was one guy I dated maybe about a year ago named Jacob, I went into the relationship with the conscious decision of not cheating on him.  I fell in love with Jacob and there were signs of him cheating that I decided to ignore (hell, looking at the waitress when we went out was a sign to me)- I needed to trust the guys I was with.  But it turns out that damn bastard Jacob was cheating on me!  However, it’s all right.  The difference between Jacob (or who I THOUGHT Jacob was) and the guys I cheated on in the past was the level of respect I had for them.


I had no respect for Iago and he had none for me.  This is why cheating on him was so easy and why I thought him cheating on me would be so easy.  Why the hell would I date guys I had no respect for?  Who knows, it’ll take a super therapist to get that out of me, but I’m assuming it’s a cocktail of low self esteem and general fucked-upness. I haven’t gone on a date since my vow of abstinence and it’ll probably be a while before I do and condition myself to date the RIGHT type of guy that I wouldn’t want to cheat on and the type of guy that will respect me as well.  Unfortunately, the type of guy that snaps me to attention are the bad boys.

“What do you think of that guy?  Isn’t he hot?” I’d ask Kimmie.

“The guy that looks like a demon worshiper?”

“No, the guys that looks like he’s into Marilyn Manson.. I think we’d make a cute couple.”

“Sure, after he cuts you up into little pieces.”  She could be such a bitch sometimes.

My buddy. Kimmie is no angel- but she has been cheated on and like a true Asian X-Men she now uses it to her power.  Like gays have gay-dar and Jews have Jew-dar, Kimmie has Cheat-dar.  She can smell a cheater like she can smell homemade Kimchi, and worst off, she can smell it on me.

The fact is, it’s going to take me time to find the right guy and I’m never going to find him if I’m not the right girl.  Right now, I’m still not right for anybody- especially, the right guy.  Is this age old saying true:  Once a cheater, always a cheater?  Can this cheater change her spots?  If I’ve done it before, I can do it again- I just need to stick to guys i actually like.

Here’s to 354 Days, Veronica Graham, there’s a monogamist in here somewhere-

2 Responses to “Day 12: “The Cheater Conundrum””

  1. […] No one likes a cheater. Image from Veronica Graham. […]

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