Day 28: “Rape Dreams and Rapture Outfits”

I had a dream last night that a faceless guy, took me by the neck and raped me. Taking away my celibacy before my year was up… I remember looking in the mirror in my dream with bruises around my neck, wondering how I would write about it the following day. When I woke up from this nightmare, I ran to the mirror- no bruises.. good sign and still had my panties on… good sign. Whew! But why couldn’t I shake off this unsettling feeling? Despite the fact that it’s a horrible nightmare, the feeling stuck with me nearly the entire day.
I went to to read about what it means to dream about rape: “indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex. You feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being.” So maybe I didn’t need to google it to figure it out, since the interpretation seems pretty “duh,” but it did make me think about the people I currently have in my life… and admittedly, there are still a few bad seeds lurking.

I look back on some situations where guys have treated me horribly- before/during/after sex. They seemed to have been able to sniff me out of a crowd as the type of girl that would allow this- but HOW? and WHY? The first problem was my clothing… I have very few shirts that aren’t low-cut (instead of my clothes being flattering, they’re just revealing)… the next problem- I wear heavy eye make up during the day (makes me look like a slut!)… and finally- I let guys talk down to me and I giggle like a fucking idiot cause I believe that’s flirting.
One night at a bar, long after my friends had left, I stuck around drinking and “flirting” with a really cute guy at the bar. The Military-Cutie bought me a drink and we went to the forbidden bar where I had met One-Night-Harley and the Military-Cutie bought me a few more drinks there to- enough to get me plastered. I drank everything willingly. I offered to drive him to home and on the way, I pulled over- wanting to make out! He put his hand up my skirt and I said, “No.” However, I did not push him away and the No came out more like, “tee hee hee noooo tee hee.” Yeah… not enough to convince him or myself. All this foreplay led to sex and once the Military-Cute reached his final “Oh!” he quickly slipped his pants back on and ran out of my car. WTF? WHAT THE FUCK???!!! Furious, disgusted, and shamed cannot describe how I felt- this guy treated me like a total prostitute! But… I was dressed and acting like a total prostitute.

A couple of months later, Kimmie and I are sitting at the same bar I met him. He starts to talk to her about pieces of conversation he overheard from her, “Korea,” “Dancing,” etc. He was actually stationed in Korea- they got to talking about local spots they both knew of and i was fuming. Kimmie had no idea what happened with this Military-Cutie and my Hulk side was boiling inside of me. Their conversation moved to dance- Kimmie does ballet and he seemed pretty familiar with the DC dance scene. “There’s a Martha Graham concert this Friday- Did you know about it?”
No,” Kimmie said.
Awkward silence.
Both the Military-Cutie and Kimmie gave me the wtf-look.
I continued, “YOU’RE A SCUMBAG!”
Kimmie mouthed to me, “what’s going on?”
I gave her the look, but not sure how it came across since I was a little drunk. I meant to say, “He’s no good!” it might have come across as, “I’m a CRAZY bitch!”
Needless to say, it was a “Check please!” night and Kimmie and I left shortly after my outburst. But what the hell? Why is he trying to take to her an expensive ass concert and me to a cheap bar??!! Don’t get me wrong here- I love Kimmie and not jealous- she deserves to be taken to concerts- but why is this scumbag treating us differently? Maybe it’s because she doesn’t wear shirts that reveal cleavage, or wear three-stage-smokey-eye makeup at noon, and more importantly, doesn’t laugh when being talked down to.
So, to get my mind off my dream and to be more proactive, I grab lunch, went to Walgreens and bought myself my Rapture outfit for tomorrow (a purple crinkle shirt that was the rage back in middle school… I couldn’t resist), went to buy non-slutty flattering clothes for the Tribulation, and made a hair appointment for Sunday- cause when I get Left Behind, I’m going to look good burning in volcano lava… and whatever else is going to happen. I also cut out probably the biggest bad-seed from my life, unfortunately, that person is tied to an old friend of mine that I care about very much… However, if a change is going to be made for me- I need to make active changes and not sitting around hoping for things to change.

Here’s to 338 Days, Veronica Graham, I’m always here for you when you’re ready to leave that asshole, friend…

3 Responses to “Day 28: “Rape Dreams and Rapture Outfits””

  1. wow I love this. I can totally relate being that i’ve done the slut thing – from the dressing to the easy acces to the giggle when he talked to me like sh!t – even the soul searching and abstinance. But it those flings never last some guys never called me again after they got they wanted. Then If you don’t respect yourself no guy is gonna respect you.
    And as for that belief some women have that women should have the right to dress any way they like (even like a ho) and still be respected and treated like a lady, that would only hold true in a utopia. The reality is if you dress a certain way it instantly sends the message that you’re easy to get. that’s just the way it is and I don’t think it’s gonna change anytime soon. Thanks for creating this blog, I love it!

  2. S-

    yes!! I know! I remember reading an article once about this girl who did an experiment on a dating site: She dressed up as different “types” of girls to see how many guys would ask her out (girl next door, sex vixen, sporty, and book worm)- the girl next door had like 90% more requests for dates and inquiries than the others. I thought WTF?! Can’t be true… but I guess it’s the difference between guys looking to date vs. guys looking for some action.
    Thanks for your wonderful comment and thanks for reading!


  3. Thanks for this post! I’ve been struggling with this exact concept for the past year and could never manage to put it in words. I always thought I could be that one-in-a-million girl who was smoking hot and intelligent and respectable, but it turns out that guys really only just see some cleavage, glittery eye makeup, and [maybe] a pretty face and just think “slut- how quickly can i get some bonin’ in” rather than, “oh what a charming girl! I will attempt to impress her with my intellectual prowess!” I think the hard part with shaping up is trying to balance getting lots of attention from guys in bars with getting the “right kind” of attention, ugh. Hopefully putting on the big girl clothes and makeup can help someone be smoking hot without being treated like a total slut. In short: fantastic and insightful post!

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