Day 32: “I Fucked Your Boyfriend… Or Wanted To”

Today was a bad, bad day… A bad day.  A really bad day.  I felt tired, angry, and sick the entire day– What was this crazy feeling brewing deep in me like a keg of Modelos?… Guilt.  Ew, what an unpleasant feeling!  I haven’t been able to stomach it… today was one of the first days I looked in the mirror and hated who I saw:  My hair looks great but deep within my eyes– I saw a scumbag.  I’ve wronged so many people I’ve cared for in my life that it’s amazing the amount of second, fifteen, twenty-seven chances they’ve given me.

In AA, there’s this step that I never made it to and that’s the “I’m sorry” phase.  The thing is that I’m not in contact with many of these people… and I don’t know how to even begin to say I’m sorry.  For the first time in my life, all my wrong doings are starting to tap on my shoulder and whispering, “Confess…. confess… confess…” In a super creepy voice that I can’t take it anymore.

Here’s the people that still matter the most to me and I can’t be sorrier for what I’ve done to you:

KIMMIE:  3 years ago when I was in a fight with you, I’m sorry I contacted your boyfriend and asked him out to drinks and dinner in order to help me with my “math homework.”

WHITNEY:  I’m sorry I called your boyfriend to tell him about the shooting near Safeway… I wanted to call you, but didn’t know how to warn you about not getting shot without talking about how I flipped out on you over text message that one day.

JOY: I’m sorry I flirted with your boyfriend at work… He’s really hot, but you’re a nice girl and I need to avoid him like the Black plague.

HAZEL:  I’m sorry I slept with your dad.

MEGAN:  I’m sorry I kissed Keith… I knew you liked him and I kissed him anyway.

The words, ‘I’m Sorry’ are so difficult for me that every time I know I should say it, my throat tightens up and I can’t get it out.  Maybe I’m afraid of the reaction that I might get from it, but I need to learn how to say “I’M SORRY” out loud as a process of my Ho Recovery.  Thankfully, a couple of those girls are still my friends… and saying Sorry will come much easier in person for them than it will to those that hate the sound of my name.

Flirting has become so second nature to me that I’ve had no concept of boundaries with friendships in the past.  The truth of the matter is… I don’t know how to talk to women or how to be friends with one and how not to flirt with a human being with a penis.  And all this time, I’ve wondered why I have trouble maintaining female friends and why I’m so alienated.  I can honestly say that I’ve in someway, shape, or form I’ve screwed over every female friend in my life due to my insecurities.  I’ve slept with boyfriends… or wanted to- some of my friends had some hot boyfriends!… but the men in the lives of my female friends have no place in mine- I realize this now.  The girls were the ones who were friends with me.  I thought by being friends with their boyfriends was normal… but it’s not when the only way you know how to interact with a guy is by flirting…

 This is so far the hardest entry I’ve had to write so far… but the guilt was weighing on me so much, I just had to let it out that I know how I’ve behaved is wrong.  I’m sorry to all my current and former female friends for fucking, flirting, or even calling the men in your life- the truth of the matter is, the men never mattered and were never there for me as much as my girls were.  I’m starting to realize that I need to work on the basics of human relationships… I need to learn how to be a friend to other females before I can learn how to be a girlfriend…

I would give my pinky to smoke a blunt with you again, Whit… my left pinky… I use my right one a lot, actually.

Here’s to 334 Days, Veronica Graham, CHICKS BEFORE DICKS!

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