Day 38: “Memorial Day Instincts”

For this Memorial Day, I didn’t go to a barbecue, didn’t get wasted, and didn’t go to a pool, but I can say that all around- it was a pretty good day lost in my thoughts. I thought a lot of Mother Graham and her Jesus ranting about how I’ll go to hell if I don’t start going to church and if I believed that someone I cared about would go to hell- burn for eternity- for not following certain rules– like, REALLY believed that… how can you not go a little crazy and rant to the one you love?  Another person on my mind was another crush I developed while filming- the eccentric sound guy.  There was something about him that was so intriguing and interesting to me- it’s been hard not to think about him and how I would love to sit down with him and have a cup of coffee- I mean, cup of sex.  

I flirted with the sound guy a little during filming and even told him to call me to make dinner reservations while I gave him my business card, but something tells me that he thought I was joking.  The truth is:  I love weird guys.  Guys that are smarter than me, usually older than me, and can understand my weird side when it comes out.  Today is the last day of filming for him and I’m wondering if he’ll bite the bullet and call me for that dinner date… probably not, but it’s all right, for this guy- I’m willing to be a little more aggressive to let him know I’m not joking around.

I spent a little bit of time at the National Harbor today with Kimmie- one, because it’s a few minutes away from me and two, because
it seemed like the Memorial Day thing to do.  I saw the statue of “The Awakening,” and couldn’t help but admire his stone biceps… Hey, I’m a recovering slut and there are some thoughts that will enter my mind no matter what.  The statue is similar to the Greek figure, Enceladus- one of Gaia’s giants that challenged the Gods and was speared by Athena and buried beneath the earth.  In “The Awakening,” the giant looks like he’s trying to escape earth and I think about the times I’ve challenged God myself and the ways I’ve been speared down… just trying to dig myself up again to cause more trouble.  When I told my mother about the sound guy, she immediately started ranting about things God has told her about this man, “he’s into really kinky sex” she said.  

“I JUST told you about him!” I said to her.

“Well, I already knew about him, because God told me.”

I want to be able to make good choices, but one of the things about me is that I’m up for pretty much anything- I don’t think this is a bad trait…  How do I balance the two?  Spontaneous behavior- enjoying life to its fullest and making good choices for myself?  So many things come in hindsight- like maybe Nice-Shy-Guy would have been a serial killer and I would have probably regretted the midnight kiss… but he wasn’t.  I feel like my intuition is good enough, that if I tune in- I can listen to it enough to see what moments are good or dangerous.

A friend that I haven’t been in too much contact with called me tonight to hang out.  I love her, she’s a good person and a good friend… the problem is the guy she is seeing reminds me so much of Iago that it scares me to be around him.  I know he’s dangerous- to her and to myself.  How do I balance being a friend to her and avoid him?  Especially when I see her drowning in his grip.  I want to be there as a friend to her, but I’m afraid that if I make too much of a presence around this guy… it’s only a matter of time before something terrible happens.  He’s a criminal, just like Iago… and there’s something not quite right about him… just like Iago.  The “something” doesn’t come from his words or actions, it’s just a vibe I get- but the vibe is so potent, that I can’t believe it’s not real.

Another piece of advice always given to me was “to always listen to your instincts.”  A feeling or vibe is nature’s way of letting you know when danger is near… but being someone who is driven by emotion so much, it’s difficult for others and even myself to take me seriously when I do feel something.  For now, I think I’ll see my friend and leave when or if he arrives… but man, I can’t shake that feeling of impending doom… whether it be her or me…

Here’s to 328 Days, Veronica Graham, Hey Sound Guy– Call me!  Seriously.  😉

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