Archive for June, 2011

Day 56: “Scheming Slut”

Posted in Uncategorized on June 27, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I saw Mother Graham this afternoon and we had lunch at Red Robin, we are ALL about fine dining. It’s my sisters birthday this week and after lunch my mom and I decided to go shopping for a birthday gift for her at a local thrift store. My mom and I have the sickest sense of humor, and I LOVE IT!  We picked out the ugliest dress we could find, it was shit brown and had a white bow that you could tie at the neck on it. We also found a book published in 1960 on how to be a successful lawyer. My sister is applying to law schools in DC and NY, so we thought a book on the United States justice system from almost a half century ago would be helpful. MG and I were in tears, we couldn’t stop laughing about our plan to overnight her special birthday gift. To top it off, we sent a Christmas card with the “Merry Christmas” crossed out and a “Happy Birthday” written over it. We had a great time, but I had to leave early to make it on time for work at the Irish bar.

After what seemed to be the longest shift ever I decided to have a beer and a smoke. I must be cured after last nights AA meeting because I really feel good about not returning to another one until I finish this 365 day vow. Today was the day that I found the courage within to walk over to the “cool” table where all the Irish and token Americans sit. I was really nervous, but my work crush was sitting at one of the tables and I couldn’t resist.  I decided in that moment that tonight was going to be the night I made my move. I was going to make him notice me, talk to me, and offer him a car ride home after I finished my second beer (it’s better than 6) because he told me once that he lives within walking distance from the bar. Yup, I’m a schemer.

I had to get him alone and away from the crowd, and devised a plan that was going to work. I’m a woman who knows what she
wants and when I have an idea that I believe will turn out in my favor, in regards to getting to know someone I like- I will do whatever it takes to make it happen. I wanted him alone with me, and I had a change of clothes in my locker. I quickly changed before I made my grand entrance because I was going in for the kill- I had to look and feel sexy. I was wearing a pair of racey blue sandals with a floral print skirt and a baby tee…oh yeah, I’m a sexy bitch!

Even though I went to an AA meeting yesterday I still won’t give up drinking entirely. It’s safe for me to assume that I’m a somewhat-functioning alcoholic. So, I ordered a beer form the bartender to calm my nerves and walked over to the table where my work crush was sitting. I had the confidence of a supermodel and strategically sat at one of the tables behind him. After I ordered my second beer I realized that the “cool” table wasn’t as cool as I thought it would be. I was glad to be over the stress of being to scared to walk over and sit with the Irish for good.

My work crush was getting ready to leave after I finished my 2nd beer, and planning to get a ride from a different server. I started to panic at the thought of losing this golden opportunity that I created. SOoooo I stood up and shouted in front of all my coworkers as he was standing up to leave, “I CAN TAKE YOU HOME!” He turned around in what seemed like slow motion and said “OK?!” He looked a bit nervous after he realized what he said, but his alternate ride was already gone before he could
change his mind.

When we got to his house, had a couple beers and I began talking his ear off. He asked me what my problem was because he had noticed that I looked sad a lot of the time. I told him that I felt alone in the world and that sometimes I get in a funk. I told him that I made a vow of abstinence for a year to find true love, and that I was certifiably crazy but had a good heart. He laughed and stated how stupid it was for an experienced girl to give up sex and said that masturbating contradicted it all. He also added that ALL Americans want to find love and most end up divorced. He thinks that people should just do whatever makes them happy, instead of putting titles and limitations on each other.

I told him that I really missed what it felt like to be held in the arms of a man, but as long as I keep my legs shut I would survive another day. He finished his beer, took me by the hand and said “come up stairs with me!”  When we got into his room we continued chatting about our views on abortions and the state of America (sounds exciting, eh?). I loved that he loved to debate. I asked him to play me a song and he grabbed his guitar and started to strum it, I just sat and listened until the moment passed and he asked me to stay the night.

I crawled into his bed after I took my sandals off, and kept ALL of my clothes on…he said he usually slept naked, but decided a tee shirt and shorts would be a better idea given the circumstance. I curled up next to him and started talking about religion (go figure). I found out in the midst of our heated discussions on life, religion, politics and sex that when he lived in overseas, he met and fell in love with a girl. After sometime passed and things were going great he and she decided to move back to home in Euroland together, and they did. Their romance was short lived and ended when she left him, he then came back to DC and has been working here ever since. I could tell that he was hurt by her, and finally stopped talking when he wrapped his arms around me.

Here’s to 310 days, Veronica Graham, Nothing beats getting a hug when you’re feeling lonely-

Day 55: “Rehab or Rehabilitated”

Posted in Uncategorized on June 27, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I’m hungover, (surprise surprise). My dad was home from work today too. Its safe to say that after barfing all morning and afternoon I had to postpone our lunch date again. He worked out of his office today, but I can guarentee he wished he didn’t. I thought at the ripe young age of 29 I would realize that when you mix shots, beer, and wine….your ass will be handed to you the next day. Fortunately, I love to learn the hard way and sure showed myself the meaning of it today.

My dad was sweet enough to go to 711 and grab me a ginger ale and sprite, but before he left he threw me a box of Imodium A-D while I was in the bathroom. I have no idea how anti-diarrhea medicine could cure a hangover, but I don’t think he did either. He just needed my barfing to halt because the gas man was on his way to fix all of our appliances, and God forbid the effin gas man hear me in any bathroom in my home puking. White people can be so…well….white sometimes. 

At about 7 o’clock in the evening I managed to hold down a couple crackers while watching Disney’s Aladdin. It started to sink in that my episode could have landed me in jail or the morgue. I thought for a moment about all the times I have driven drunk and somehow have always managed to be lucky enough to get to wherever I needed to be safely. I started to panic and looked online to see when and where I could find an AA meeting to go to. I found one instantly and got ready.

I went to an AA meeting that I used to attend in my half ass road to recovery about two years ago, and saw a girl that I recognized in the program from one of the many times I have gone in and out of those rooms. I shared when it was my turn and confessed that I almost wrapped my car around a tree last night. I know I have alochol and drug problems, it’s NO secret. I’m just living in denial. I can’t even promise to give up drinking after last night. I’m what they call a binger. I go for periods at a time drinking like a lady, but ever so often I will get a wild hair up my ass and party like Steven Tyler. 

After the meeting the girl I saw came up to me and asked if I remembered her and I told her I did. I was happy to hear that she had been sober for three years now and was doing well. She told me to keep coming back, and I said I would try. She told me to go to women’s meetings instead of open meetings. When she first met me I was fucking all of DC. She insisted that I get involved with the women in the program because I would have a better chance of making lasting connections to help me in my road to recovery. I gave her a hug and said I would see her soon.

Here’s to 311 days, Veronica Graham, The people in AA keep me coming back and people like me keep them sober.

Day 54: “Depressed Drunk”

Posted in Uncategorized on June 27, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I saw my writer friend today at the Irish bar. He is working on a book about church and state. He is brilliant, and is happily married. He attended Notre Dame and studied business and law. He has earned so many degrees that I lost track after the second one. He comes in a lot to work on his book at the Irish bar, and I usually force him to sit in my section each time so that I can linger over the table while he’s eating, and bombard him with questions about his book. His editor had just sent him a list of revisions that needed to be made on his chapter about sex.

SEX!  What does church and state have to do with sex?” I exclaimed.

He smiled and said “Well, maybe you can help me with that!” 

I told him when we first met about my blog, and he actually likes it! I got off work early and didn’t want to open my lap top and deal with the fact that my abrupt lapse of writing was getting to me and piling up like dirty laundry. I had a glass of wine outside with one of the other American’s who aren’t cool enough to hang with the Irish. We were bitchin’ about life and who we did and didn’t like at the bar. After guzzling my second glass of wine and my first shot of the night, I opened up to Jay about how I was abstinent. He looked at me and slurred,“If you weren’t abstinent I would buy you another shot.” I didn’t know how to tell him that he didn’t have a chance either way so I shrugged my shoulders and laughed. Since I work with him, I had to put my inner hulk to rest for the evening by showing off in the only way that makes me feel superior to a guy like that…I picked up the tab for the table after buying him another round and threw his money at him.

I was ready to leave and shit faced. The bartender asked if I needed him to call me a cab, but I insisted in my slurred speech that I was fine. I left the bar and stumbled to my car determined to get home safely. As soon as I got in the car I knew it was a bad idea to drive, but I did it anyway. I can be really stubborn when I’m drunk. I’m like a mule, but worse when I start drinking. On my way home, I even stopped at my local bar to get a night cap. I think I may have drinking problem?! 

I was swerving and driving like a maniac, puffing on my cancer sticks and blasting Pearl Jam. I could have easily wrapped my car around a tree, or killed someone. When I got home, I ran to the bathroom and spent the remainder of the evening puking up blonde headed sluts and potato skins. I’m an idiot an should have known better than to get into a car and drive under the influence of alcohol. My guardian angel must have been working overtime because I’m shocked I made it home in one piece.

Here’s to 312 days, Veronica Graham, Don’t drink and drive-

Day 53: “Repeat Offender”

Posted in Uncategorized on June 27, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I’m sitting at the same restaurant that I fled to after my fight with Kimmie in Arlington. I have been trying to come up with stories worth reading in the meantime. I’m in a position that I never thought I would be in and somehow I’m still able to hold my head high. I miss Kimmie and I miss a lot of friends that I used to have. I received a comment from a fan asking if my vow has been broken. My vow is something that I take very seriously and I will not break it. Its the only thing that is keeping me from NOT going back to the old me. I HAVE to follow through with this because I will never change if I don’t. At end of the day all I have is myself to blame if it fails. 

I found an old relapse prevention workbook and brought it with me to read. I filled it out when I was sent to rehab at age 17. It took me back instantly to my experience in my my new school in Pleasantville which was short lived because I got expelled for being drunk on school grounds twice within six months.

The first offense was at a football game…I had been drinking all day after making the executive decision to skip school. I decided to drive drunk in my Saab turbo to go to a higschool football game later that night. I picked up my friend Glow and nearly killed both of us that evening on the way to the game (sorry Glow). I remember my keys being taken away by my friend Ginger once I got there, and being so effin drunk that I got into a fight with her over it. In my drunkenness, I managed to walk over to the school security officer and claim that my friend had stolen my keys and that she needed to give them back to me. The school security cop looked at me and asked if I had been drinking, and of course like any drunk would say, I said NO.

The officer turned me over to a guidance counselor who saw the whole thing and told him to get me out of there before I got into serious trouble. I can’t remember his name but he always bailed me out, when I was in trouble at school. My dad and stepmom were at the game that evening and he handed me over to them to be escorted safely home, and to make sure I didn’t get behind the wheel. Needless to say, I was grounded and suspended the next day. I didn’t care or learn my lesson, and got in trouble six months later for being drunk on school grounds again and was expelled.

My dad had to come pick me up that day and was livid. I’m sure in the back of his mind he was more concerned with what the neighbors in Pleasantville would think. I left the school grounds that sad, sad day with my head held high the spring of my Senior year. I even made it to the yearbook with Ruby’s help. She was a member of the yearbook club with some other friends that always embraced my rebel behavior, and collectively I assume, they managed to get approval to have my photos in it as well as my senior quote- “I’LL BE BACK!”… Arnold was the shit back in the day! 

Here’s to 313 days, Veronica Graham, I’ve gotten everything I did and didn’t want from alcohol ever since I’ve started drinking-

Day 52: “Psycho Stylist”

Posted in Uncategorized on June 27, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I went to Sally’s beauty supply store and bought a mannequin head to practice my hair skills because as a makeup artist sometimes you have to step it and help out in the hair department and my skills need to improve. I’ve been given the opportunity to work at a modeling camp to teach young models from age 10-17 years old how to apply makeup. I’m really excited! Anytime I get to work with youngins it’s rewarding and tons of fun. I was feeling gloomy today and went to the mall to lift my spirits. I walked around some and worked my way to Forever 21 to buy a cheap-expensive looking dress mmm-kay.  I also went to bebe to check and see if the dress I have been eyeing is on sale. As I walked in today I was greeted by the hotteset sales associate ever…he was built like a rock and had blond hair and blue eyes. I had just purchased a dress from Forever 21 to curve the itch to spend full price on a bebe dress that I can’t afford. This hottie walked over to me and found me drooling over the dress that I am obsessed with…probably to tell me to stop touching the merchandise unless I planned on buying it, but I took it as a clear invitaiton that he was interested in me.

I smiled at him and batted my eyes because it’s my way of being cute. He wasn’t the least bit interested in me, but entertained me for the moment. I told him that I needed a guys opinion on a dress I had just bought. I was hoping that he would look at it and say, “I think I would have a better idea of what it looked like if I helped you put it on in the dressing room!”, but he didn’t. I pulled out the tiny dress that I had bought and he agreed that it was a good find. He asked me where I was going and I said, “Well, I get asked out all the time and I need a back up dress.” He looked at me and rolled his eyes. 

I left, looking completely desperate for attention and broke! I decided to call my sister…I knew she would get good laugh at my attempt to pick up this guy. She thinks I’m a train wreck, but loves me just the same. Our relationship is slowly working its way back to the way it was when we were little but its still in the beginning stages. When I was kicked out of my house by Mother Graham I left her behind without saying good bye, my dad came to pick me up and I was out of her life within 45 minutes. I never looked back or called her until she was a young adult. We have different fathers and it crushed her when I left, I was gone and there was nothing my little 7 year old sister could do. I looked after her while living with MG, well more or less made her my doll and force fed her with all of my terrible cooking. She still won’t eat anything I cook.

We lost touch for years, and she hated me for most of our separation because of what happened. She felt that I left her with MG out of spite, but I was a full blown basket case and my mom and I had to be separated. We were too much alike. I wanted to be free from my strict christian upbringing, and my sister was still to young to understand that when I was 14 all I cared about was being cool. I had to help MG take care of her all the time and I resented both of them by the time I got the boot. I wanted to live my own life, and was sick of MG’s strict regime. As soon as I became a freshman in highschool, I forgot about my sister and didn’t see her when I lived in Pleasantville. I left her alone with my crazy, bible thumping mother, and was ready to take on my 3rd new high-school as a Freshman with a vengeance.

She laughed when I told her about the guy and said I was self absorbed and I probably wasn’t his type anyway. I told her about the mannequin head and she asked if I remembered doing her hair when she was a little girl. I screamed ” Of course I do, and you hated every second of it!” She told me that I would yank her hair and put it in the tightest braids imaginable with a devil’s grin. She said I would laugh when she said it hurt or smack her hand if she touched it when I was finished. She had long blonde hair and even though she hated seeing me come after her with hair spray and a comb every morning, she did have the best hairstyles in grade school and admitted I was pretty good.

Here’s to 314 days,  Veronica Graham, I’m sorry I left without saying good-bye little sister-

Day 51: “Hook line and Sink-her”

Posted in Uncategorized on June 27, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I woke up pist off and went to the Irish bar to work a double. While standing in my ugly ass server uniform from noon to midnight today I almost lost it at work. I can’t handle being a server too many hours in a day, because I hate being a server.  It’s easy for a girl like me to morph into super server and sell every goddamn special on menu because I’ve been doing it since I was in highschool. I honestly don’t give a shit about anything besides making money for the restaurant and filling my pockets every night with twenties. I’m the server who is super annoying and overbearing with EVERY table. I walk up to each table and give a passionate and detailed overview of the menu, and convince each guest to order what I suggest. The Irish would love to fire me, but I make the guests feel important long enough to ensure their return to the bar again with my cheshire grin.

I got pretty bored at work so I decided to people watch on my shift and watch guys pick up chicks.  It’s similar to watching professional sport fishing, but instead of baiting for fish they are baiting for a piece of ass. Their only agenda is to get some semi-decent looking girl to get drunk enough to say “YES! I will have sex with you and leave afterward!” when they kindly offer a ride home before last call.  I walked up to one of my tables after I finished day dreaming about having sex with my work crush because it’s hard to focus on my job when every time he comes in for a beer I stare at him the entire time.

I watched a tall, dark and handsome guy come in and sit alone at a table that could seat six to eight people easily…cha ching! I was stoked because I was getting bored and I really wanted to walk back and forth from the bar delivering beer on a tray while eyeballing my work crush. I got to the table, smiled, said hello and asked if he wanted a drink while he was waiting for his friends. He declined and I just stood there looking awkward.

He seemed a bit nervous and that made me nervous so I pestered him until he opened up to me. He told me that he had just met a beautiful, tall, blue-eyed blonde at the grocery store across the street and that he wanted to sit at a table closest to the door to watch her walk in because he picked her up at the check out line.  I was instantly hooked and wanted to hear the details. He told me that he walked up to her standing in line and stopped dead in his tracks and said, ” You’re the most beautiful women I have ever seen please let me buy you a drink tonight!” She accepted the offer and now he was waiting for her arrival. I thought it was lame pick up line, but what’s it to me?

 I was at another table when she came in, but I saw them talking and didn’t want to ruin the fisherman’s concentration on trying to reel the big one in just yet. I waited and watched him reel her in ever so slowly before I went to get their drink order. She was sitting awfully close to this guy and seemed to like him. When I got to the table he ordered a beer and she asked for a mojito. FYI- don’t go into an Irish bar and order a mojito- a bartenders worst nightmare is when a debutante rolls in and orders a fruity, foofy drink or anything that involves a blender. She was beautiful to say the least, and had a british accent. It dawned on me that I had seen this guy in here before with other girls and I felt a little bad for the girl. He just wanted to enjoy the catch and cut the line. 

It’s kinda evil- a mans ploy to get you to have sex with him as soon as he meets you. It really is. I’ve watched tons of movies where random incidents lead some character to find love in a nonconventional way and it leads to true love.  Unfortunately, in the real world I’ve only ended up with a hangover and a freshly fucked hairdo.

Here’s to 315 days, Veronica Graham- Don’t swallow the bait-

Day 50: “Food Nazi”

Posted in Uncategorized on June 27, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I saw my work crush today and it brightened my day instantly. I always find a way to smile at him, I guess he sensed I was in a mood because he kept walking up to me and asking me if I was alright. I’m waiting for the day that he looks at me and screams “Fuck me Veronica! I can’t take it anymore!” Abstinence is no joke, and the thought of being a crazy old maid with 17 cats is not my idea of a dream come true. I can’t go back to where I started with this blog or even attempt too. I’ve realized that the collaboration of two artists is impossible to recreate alone. It’s IMPOSSIBLE. I’m fortunate that this is my story and I can tell it however I like. If it all sucks from now on… I don’t care (just kidding) I know my intent behind this blog. It’s to turn this “Ho into a Housewife.” I want to find love dammit!  

I waited on a couple this evening that reminded me of my reality challenged relationshit with Iago. The hostess was nice enough to warn me upon seating them that they had issues, and what she just witnessed. As the hostess was seating the couple in a booth, she placed the menus on the table and overheard…

“You know you can’t fit into the booth” he said.

“Well, I just did” she said.

“Don’t you want to move to a table, it would be more comfortable for you…” he said.

” No, I’m in it now.” she said meekly.

The hostess accidently dropped the salt shaker over upon hearing their conversation. I looked up  to see what happened as she walked over to me and apologized for seating them in my section and went back to the host stand in a hurry. As soon as I got to the table it was obvious that whatever they were arguing about was far from over. Luckily, I had a sense of what I was walking into after the hostess told me. As I attempted to read off the specials, he hands me the menus and insisted that they wanted to share an order of fish-n-chips. She seemed unhappy with his executive decision and said, “I really am hungry…do you mind if I get my own?” My head shot over in his direction, he nodded yes to her and told me to put two orders in. I looked at her with confusion because she wasn’t overweight and I had already over heard her say that she hadn’t eaten all day! What was this guys problem? Why couldn’t she just eat a fucking meal without being hassled? 

This guy was obviously a dick, and I felt my stomach turn every time I walked up to the table. The icing on the cake was when I set the check presenter in front of  him, and SHE went to pick it up to pay for their meal.  The old me would spit in this guys water, but the new me believes thats wrong and childish- then again maybe not. The sad part was that I saw pieces of me in this guy. Iago, at one point was putting on a lot of weight in spite of his coke addiction, and I would constantly nag him about how much he was eating. I remember telling Iago countless times after he gained weight that I would leave him if he didn’t lose weight.

I would yell at him daily about his eating habits because when we first met he had the body of a NFL player. In prison “free-time” is spending time in the yard getting buff. He was unhappy about how much he missed out on in life by being locked up amongst other things. Eating good food may have been the only thing keeping him sane while we were dating, but I doubt it. I was so wrapped up in my own world that I couldn’t see that maybe, just maybe he was an emotional eater and my lack of understanding only encouraged it.

Here’s to 316 days, Veronica Graham, poking fun at a persons size shows how ignorant you really are-