Day 39: “Father Fucker”

After Thomas and I split up, I started hanging out with my High-School-Sweetheart’s (HSS) older sister, Hazel.  We were fast friends and were joined at the hip.  Hazel is a beautiful blond, hardworking, and would drop anything for anyone.  We are no longer on speaking terms, but if I called her up- she would pick up the phone to help me and I know this.  Hazel and HSS’s Dad was divorced and would be around a lot while we hung out.   I felt like I was part of their family.  They had helped me through HSS and my smortion and while I was in AA.  They supported me in a way that my family at home didn’t and in my twisted 21 year old mind, I wanted to be a part of that family.

One night, at Hazel’s birthday party, I drank way too much and rested in their guest bedroom.  The Dad came in to check on me and I asked him to rub my back because I was “really stressed out.”  He did and we kissed.  I’m not sure who kissed who, but I do know the thought was already in my mind when I asked for the back rub… hell, I’ve always been into older guys.  Hazel was a good friend, but she was also lonely and never minded my company- so she turned a blind eye to my sexcapades with her dad.  I went over to her house a lot and the three of us:  me, Hazel, and the Dad would make dinner together, wash the dishes together- and Hazel would normally go do her own thing in her room while I was left with her father.  Ever since the first kiss, things escalated each time we hung out until we were finally sleeping together and I guess were an “item.”  

This relationship was very short lived because the guilt of what I was doing to HSS and Hazel was starting to get to me, we never went out in public, and everything was kept secret.  To the Dad, I was a potential mate.  To me, I was filling some sort of weird void of family.  I couldn’t have HSS, so I had the Dad instead.  Although, Hazel never brought up the fact that I was sleeping with her dad- she knew about it and she was venting to a cousin of hers, Kelly.  Finally, I couldn’t deal with my strange incestuous relationship with the Dad anymore and broke it off.

Not too many nights later, HSS called me to drive him and Kelly home because they had too much to drink.  I went over to pick them up and dropped them off and his dad’s house.  Before exiting the car, Kelly asks me, “So who’s better in bed- HSS or his dad?”

My only reaction was to burst into involuntary tears.  I hated that HSS knew about my “relationship” with his dad and I apologized over and over again to him.  Afterwards, I tried to talk to Hazel about my fling with her father and she always said she was fine with it and “the past was the past.”  This is something I didn’t believe and never would believe to this day.  I feel like Hazel was so lonely and valued my friendship too much to jeopardize it by mentioning how much it upset her that I screwed her father and hurt her brother.

The Dad is someone I see often.  He goes into my favorite local bar and will tell me how much I mean to him from time to time.  I saw him tonight at the local pub intending to write this blog and I had to finish my Corona and leave to a coffee shop instead.  When I see the Dad, I don’t see him as a person, but what I did to him and his family.  This seems to be a trend for a lot of people I see around town:  DC is littered with the demons of my past, exes and one night stands I’ve slept with and screwed over, and people I used to buy cocaine from.  I keep thinking about my eventual move to NYC early next year, but I do know that if I don’t face my past here and overcome it then I’ll just be running away to New York rather than moving forward.

Sleeping with my friend and ex-boyfriend’s Dad is probably one of the most shameful things I’ve ever done and I still can’t shake the memory of my scumbagness every time I see him, HSS, or Hazel.  I’ve given a thousand apologies and although, they said they’ve forgiven me- I still can’t forgive myself for that selfish act of acceptance and affection.  I’m hoping to move forward past this one- one day, but I know that overcoming my hellish relationship with Iago will be an easier task than this one.

Here’s to 327 Days, Veronica Graham, I can never stop saying sorry for this one- because I’ll never forgive myself for it-

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