Day 47: “Crossing the line or Borderline?”

I watched a National Georgraphic documentary “Solitary Confinement” last night. Only highly dangerous criminals are placed in the “hole” and over 700 hundred inmates are serving time in Colorado state pen today. I’m glad I only experienced it for an evening, but I do rememeber it vividly and NEVER want to go back. Kimmie hears me blurt out from time to time upon seeing a cop “I can’t go back….I can’t go BACK!” She kinda gives me the “you’re crazy?!” look and the moment passes. While watching it, in the back of my slutty little mind I thought one of the inmates was hot! He had bright blue eyes and tattoos… geez what’s NOT to love! I also noticed that a different inmate suffered from Borderline- just like me. 

I got into fight #8273 with Kimmie this evening- the bottom line is that she doesn’t trust me. After a screaming match from hell and 16 cigarettes later (so much for quitting), I’m still confused. She said I crossed the line and of course I disagree. Even though I’m not living alone in a cell I still feel isolated from people. I’ve isolated myself from my family (to an extent), friends- new and old… and EVERY man from my past that I’ve known before “Day 47” that I have slept with. In the meantime, I’ve been really dependent on Kimmie for support with this blog because….have you READ the shit Veronica has done?! I mean DAMN-

I started this blog to stop having sex because it was the only way I was ever going to be held accountable for my actions, apologize for them, and prove that I can evolve into a better person. At this point I can’t even think about sex, masturbation or even drowning in my sorrows over a pint. It’s hard to deny being Borderline because every time I re-read the description I’m reminded.

So…Kimmie left me in Arlington, she said her last words to me while slamming my car door because she would rather pay a cabby 30 dollars to go home then sit with me and argue any longer. It’s hard to take an objective look when I look back on these past 15 years and see nothing but failed interpersonal relationship after another. Hint: I was the common denominator in all of them. I’m driven by my feelings, and my feelings aren’t always fact. I trust my intuition to a point, but I’m sitting alone in a restaurant writing because I have pushed away everyone, including Kimmie. 

Here’s to Day 319, Veronica Graham- I’m sorry Kimmie.

One Response to “Day 47: “Crossing the line or Borderline?””

  1. Does this delay in posting mean that the vow is off?

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