Archive for July, 2011

Day 61-72: “12 Sleepless Nights”

Posted in Uncategorized on July 13, 2011 by Veronica Graham

Kimmie sent me a text message the other day and told me that my writing has gotten better. I was happy to hear that from someone as talented as her. I told her that I was still behind in my blog and she suggested that I combine some of the pieces together so that I can get back to real time. I think it’s a great idea because I find it much easier to write about my day on the correct day (go figure). Trust me, there has yet to be a dull moment in my life so I will just sum up Days 61-72 in a nutshell. Although I haven’t had sex, my behavior has proven to me that I need to get a grip on what it means to be abstinent. In AA they would call me a “dry drunk” because if you have given up drinking, but refuse to go through the recovery process that is suggested, you might as well be drinking. I’ve felt like a tease more this past week and half than a woman trying to get her life on the right track. 

I made out with Latino Hot Lips twice within these twelve days. I heard from a mutual friend that he had been asking about me, so I called him and asked him what he wanted to talk about. He didn’t want to talk and I should have had more self respect for myself than to meet him twice after 11pm. I didn’t. He even gave me a hickey, the second time I saw him. There is nothing attractive about a woman with a hickey on her neck, nothing. I was checking out the damage in my rear view mirror on my neck on my way home, and freaked out…the hickey was huge! I thought about how I was going to go to work the next day with it on my neck, and then I realized that’s what makeup is for.

He was the last guy I had sex with before I went on a sex strike. I told him that breaking up with him was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and that he was the straw that broke the camels back. I told him this while I was making out with him. I’m pretty sure that since he was drunk he didn’t hear a damn thing I said or care that I was bitching the whole time. He was definetly a great sex partner, hell I think all of my exes where the best, ask Kimmie. She thinks I give them way too much credit, maybe she’s right.

I also saw my High-School-Sweetheart at my favorite local bar within these twelve days. At first glance I thought about closing my eyes and pretending I didn’t see him, but that might have made me look crazy. We talked about his wedding, his expecting wife and how they were having a boy. I was actually happy for him, and wished him the best of luck. When I first found out that his wife was expecting and they had gotten married I was jealous but like the song “Unanswered Prayers” by Garth Brooks, I was happy it was her and not me.

Let’s be honest, although I love the idea of getting married and having a family, it ain’t gonna happen anytime soon. I would have a melt down if I was pregnant at this age and married. HSS’s wife is better woman than I. HSS and I were wrapping up our conversation when he had to excuse himself to talk to his Uncle at the end of the bar before we could finish. Its safe to say, his Uncle probably told him to avoid the little slutß that’s me! I closed out my tab, waved goodbye and went home.

I’ve had a great time working with the modeling camp within these twelve days. I worked for them twice and did over 25 up-do’s for the girls and some makeup. Every time I handed one of the girls a mirror to look at what I had done to their hair, they loved it. It was a great feeling to see the little ones smiling and telling me how much they liked it. Before they left my chair I would tell them that if they hated it, I would change it. It got to be an ongoing joke with some of the girls when I would look at them and shout “Don’t lie to me, if you hate it, were gonna change it!” but not one of them hated it. I also got to work on another film set in Tysons Corner….damn I love my job!

All in all, I’ve learned a valuable lesson in these past 12 days, actions usually speak louder than words. Respect is earned and not given, and if I truly want to change my Jezebelish behavior I need to stop acting like a Jezebel. If I want to be percieved as a lady and not a slut, then I probably shouldn’t call Whitney and ask her to go to the pool with me a 6:00pm.”Who the fuck wants to go to the pool at six o’clock Veronica… that’s what a ho would do, not a housewife!” I replied “You’re right, that is ho-ish!”  I think I may have snorted when I laughed at the thought of me waltzing into the doors of the pool in a string bikini, and probably a little tipsy from a glass of wine at night. Unless I’m trying to have sex with the lifeguard, I should probaly go to the pool when the sun is coming up and not going down.

I remember when I would sneak into the pool in Pleasantville when I was younger with my friends. We would hop the fence and jump in, jump off the diving boards, make out with whomever we liked in our clique that week and hop back over the fence before the neighborhood watch started. Yes, Pleasantvillle has its own private watch team, aside from the county regulated. Luckily, we never got caught. I really can’t get away with anything these days, and I’m a terrible liar.

I just finished reading and posting a comment from a reader that is unhappy with my writing. I can’t say I blame her for viewing me as a selfish bitch because I have been one for so long. She thinks that I’m a bad influence on younger girls, and I should set a better example. The truth is that I’m not a role model, I’m just an average girl trying to get past my past. It’s too late to turn back now with this blog, and I have lost readers due to the fact that it is Day 82 and I’m still working on previous days. 

The things I write about are things that I have never forgiven myself for, and things that I need to apologize for. I have hurt a lot of people in my life including myself, and I have been self destructive since I was 14 years old. I haven’t been able to write as well without Kimmie, but I’m trying. I was completely depressed after our fight, I lost it, and the panic set in that I was alone in this adventure. I had a blog I didn’t know how to finish and my partner in crime couldn’t stand me. The only writing classes I took were at community college and that isn’t saying much. I didn’t know what to do, so I didn’t publish anything until I was ready. It was a risk I was willing to take. I had to rewire my brain to not give up, and keep moving forward. I’ve had to somehow gain a confidence in my writing that I’ve never had. I feel this inner battle within myself to keep fighting the good fight and it’s hard.

The stuff I talk about is painful and shameful. My humor and light hearted approach is a coping mechanism because I’m hurting on the inside and I’d rather laugh then cry. After the fight with Kimmie I almost gave up writing altogether. I was screwed and all of my personal life was public, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. I had to brainstorm on how to make it work without Kimmie, and I’m still trying to figure it out. I knew the blog wouldn’t be the same without her and that the reader’s would know, so that’s why I HAD to tell everyone. This blog is therapeutic and it’s allowing me to be honest, and hold myself accountable for my actions in the past and present. I’m not a fake and this blog isn’t a scam. I’m just in over my head and barely treading water.

Here’s to Day’s 305-294, Veronica Graham- I’m still a rookie when it comes to writing…

 

 

Day 60: “Whitney’s”

Posted in Uncategorized on July 13, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I had an awesome day, and I got to work on a film set today outside of DC. YIPPIE!  I had so much fun applying makeup, and even got to bust out a skill that I had up my sleeve to impress the people I was working for. When I was in highschool I took a Fashion Marketing class and my teacher taught us to use masking tape to cover the base of a shoe if you ever need to rent shoes for any type of fashion related job. We were working with a green screen today and they didn’t want the actor’s shoes to scuff the paint, so it came in handy. A green screen kinda looks like a half pipe cut in half. Its used when you need to implement computer graphics or whatever it is the producer wants to create. I got a call from Whitney after we wrapped for the day and she invited me over for dinner. She called me a few days ago to say hello, and I was really happy to hear from her because I missed her. We hadn’t spoken because I started a fight with her over something stupid…that’s what I do to the people I love the most, I push them away with mean words when things don’t go my way.

Whitney is one of the best cooks I know, so I was more than happy to accept her invite. I swear she need’s to open a deli called “Whitney’s”. When I got to her place I told her my idea that she should open a deli, she looked at me and shouted, “oh yeah…well you can be the cashier!” We burst into a laughter because we both could picture me smoking a cigarette while given mean looks to customers holding a BIG tip jar that says “TIP ME BITCH!” 

While living in SF I worked at an Italian restaurant part time. I took the job as a cover up for my stripping and if my family called and asked me how I was earning a living I could say that all of my income was coming from there. The minimum wage is higher in Cali and I made great tips. Within in a week of working at the Italian restaurant, I fell for one of the latino cooks and one of the restaurant managers. I started hooking up with both of them, but not at the same time because that would be WAY to complicated. I didn’t feel guilty about it because in my mind I had rationalized that it wasn’t that bad. I would get free food from the cook and the schedule I wanted from my manager. I used sex as a weapon and I didn’t care what anyone thought about me. Fortuantely, for the sake of the restaurant, I quit after a two months and started stripping full time. 

While stripping I learned how to seduce men for money, sex or whatever else I wanted. I was only getting negative attention from men, but it was still attention. In my opinion, it taught me how to manipulate people and have a false sense of self. I was living in a fantasy world and glamorized the lifestyle I had chosen. I’m not proud of being an ex-stripper, but I was one. The ONLY thing I miss is how cute I looked in those outfits before I ripped them off, while prancing around in platform heels with Godsmack blasting through the sound system.

Here’s to 306 days, Veronica Graham- “Dancing is not a crime”

Day 59: “Homeless Hottie”

Posted in Uncategorized on July 6, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I needed inspiration so I went to cafe tryst in DC. I love this coffee shop and especially love when the servers give me animal crackers with my coffee. I walked in and the palce was packed. I grabbed a place to sit by an outlet on a couch because my laptop was about to die (go figure). I noticed that where I was sitting didn’t have an outlet. I started to gathered my things and was going to move to another spot, but someone beat me to it. I just sat there pist off and started scanning the cafe for another spot. The server for my section came over to me and while he was taking my order, I described my dilemma to him. He looked at me with the all to familiar look of “Do I really look like I care where the fuck you sit, just order something off the menu and leave a 20% tip”. Being a server requires a lot of patience, everyone should try it at least once to gain a better appreciation for the restaurant industry. It’s not easy.

I got a coffee, cashed out with the server and went to a new spot I scoped out directly in the sun light because I saw an outlet under the table. I sat there sweating from the direct sunlight, writing and drinking my hot coffee. It’s a perfect example of how stubborn I can be at times. I started to get  nervous because I get weird in large social gatherings, even if I know all the people. I was sick of sweating so I finished one of my entries and left. As I was walking back to my car in Adams Morgan, I realized how much I love city life.

When I was living in San Francisco, I would catch the bus to the Haight Ashbury frequently. It’s a cool hippie town that always smells like weed. I was walking around and looking in and out of the shops when I saw a young group of break dancers gathered around listening to beats and practicing their moves. Of course one of the guys caught my attention….I’m a slut. I walked over to him and intorduced myself and wanted to see if he would like to hang out later. I said we could go back to my place or his.  I soon found out that he was homeless and danced for money. There were a lot of young attractive homeless people in SF when I lived there. 

He was young, good looking, and talented. I assumed that being young and homeless was a trend in the city, and I embraced it. I ran into a lot of free spirited people in SF. I felt I should do something nice for him and asked him if he would like to come back to my place to eat and drink beer.

He said he could but only for the night. I understood because he was like a modern day hippie-gypsy-homeless guy. I really felt connected and free with him that day. Free from the awkward talk about career choices, money, family, etc. He had nothing to offer besides a different perspective on how he wanted to live his life. He was happy, and he had all of his teeth (I always judge a guy by his smile). He didn’t even blink when I told him I was a stripper or ask me to bust a move, and lay it down SF strippa style. 

When we got to my place, and after I had a few drinks in me…I asked him if he would be interested in taking a bath with me. Like I said before, I don’t discriminate and he was good looking. I told him we could wash each other, light a bunch of candles, and smoke some weed. I admired him (to a point) and wanted to give him something simple and sensual, and I did. 

He thanked me the next morning and told me that he didn’t know how long he would be in SF because he and his friends were thinking about hitchhiking to Portland, OR to hang out for a month or so just  for fun. We said our goodbyes that morning and I never saw him again. I even went back to the spot we met a week later to see if he was there, he wasn’t.

Here’s 307 days, Veronica Graham- Life is a series of random moments-

Day 58: “Fathers Day Fiasco”

Posted in Uncategorized on July 6, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I slept in today after burning the candle at both ends since Wednesday. I’ve been working at least once a day between make up gigs and the Irish bar. I’m happy about the work load, but I’m not a fan of the bags I’ve developed under my eyes. On the other hand that’s what makeup is for. I rolled out of bed around 3pm and yelled  “Happy Fathers Day!” to my dad while I was sitting on the toilet, half asleep through the bathroom door. I’m not a fan of the holidays, in case you haven’t noticed. 

My dad and my stepmom were headed out the door to enjoy their Sunday afternoon on Father’s Day (because most people do that on a holiday). They asked if I was going to join them for dinner later (I was still in the bathroom) and I said, “No, goddammit I work everyday, and I don’t have time!” I had just woken up, and anyone who knows me will agree that I’m the epitome of Satan when I wake up. 

When I was sniffing cocaine like I was being paid to do it, I would always have to call into work the next day. Cocaine drained me physically and mentally. I would lay down after taking my last line, and try to convince myself that I could fall asleep. Yeah right! My heart would race and I would bug out and want to do more coke. I didn’t care about any job because if I got fired from one employer I would just walk into a new potential employers place of business.  I’ve never really had problems getting a job…it’s keeping them that I’ve had trouble with.

At one point, I was hooking up with a guy named Dirty Dick. He always had coke, and I always had sex with him if he had coke. If he didn’t …I wouldn’t go near him. I feel nauseous just thinking about DD, and I kinda just threw up in my mouth, only a little bit. I was such a SLUT….big time! From the moment I met Dirty Dick he was all over me. He liked me, and I couldn’t even bear the site of him then let alone now. He just had what I wanted and I gave up the goods to keep him around. I used him for coke and he used me for sex. Our arrangement went on for at least 3 years on and off. 

DD wasn’t the typical coke head, he always had a good job and somehow managed to get a degree from a University. At first glance, you would think he was a nice guy. He went to a good school, had a nice family, and a nice car. I actually saw him roughly four months ago at a local bar. I had just finished going a date with someone who was completely boring, and I needed a drink. The date consisted of lunch and a movie, so traditional and stale.

I headed to the bar, not only because I was bored, but I was craving cocaine like a muthafucka! In the movie I had seen on my date I had a “trigger” by watching a scene that simulated someone who was doing cocaine at a house party.

My urge for cocaine still haunts me, even though I’ve stopped using…the addiction is still there. It’s one of the worst addictions I have ever had. Here I was sitting in a movie theater around 4pm and in a instant after watching a scene with cocaine in it, I started to CRAVE it. It was scary how fast my mind went from date mode to crack-head-gotta-get-coke mode. After the movie he took me home and I got into my car and went to a local bar. I ordered the biggest margarita I could afford, and sat there wishing I had coke. I mean, I think it safe to say that I willed it into existance. The mind is a powerful thing. 

I was sitting at the bar in a daze thinking about how I could score some coke for the night. I thought about the risk and how I would lose everything I had been working towards in my half ass attempt to turn my life around, and I didn’t care anymore. My mom says it was the devil. She may be right…

I took a sip of my margarita and looked to my right and DD was at the end of the bar. Dirty Dick was sitting laughing it up with some other girls. I instantly regretted making eye contact, but it was too late. DD waltzed over to me and offered to buy me a shot. He even went on to say that he was sorry for the way things played out with us in the past and that he still thought I was beautiful and wanted to take me out….ahem to fuck me. I gave it up so easily to him time and time again, what was one more time?

I leaned in closer to him and told him that I needed coke and wanted to know if he still was in the coke game. His eyes lit up like the 4th of July. He said he didn’t deal anymore but had some that someone had left at his house from the night before. He said I could go home with him and ya know…..have sex with him for the little bit he had left. I told him I wasn’t going to have sex with him and that I would PAY whatever amount he asked, if I could have it.

He said NO! He fucking said NO because I told him I wasn’t going to have sex with him. He even had the audacity to say “Aren’t you straight edge now?” After it was clear with my satanic stare that I would rather eat my own vomit then be alone with him in his apartment he got the point, bought me the shot he offered, and left me alone. At that point, I got the check and closed out my tab. I couldn’t even finish my drink, and booked it out of there like the bar was on fire.

I went to Blockbuster and rented every funny new arrival, ordered a #1 from Mickey D’s and spent every last dime I had in my wallet on bullshit from Walgreen’s. When I was in and out of AA/NA meetings they always said that if you feel an urge to drink or drug- smoke a cigarette, eat something with sugar in it, and call your sponsor or a friend in the program. I did the first two and passed out in tears in my bed because I was so close to using again, I even called people that don’t do coke to see if they could score me some on my drive to blockbuster.

Thank GOD everyone I called said NO! Eventhough I  hadn’t spoken to any of the people I called in months, they stilled cared enough about me to not give it to me. They had seen me at my worst with coke and convinced me that I didn’t need it. I called four different people from very different walks of life and they ALL cared enough about me to JUST SAY NO! I was able to remain strong because of them and I could hear their concern for me on the other end of the phone. Those four individuals (you know who you are) saved me that night from going back to cocaine. Cocaine took away my dignity, countless jobs, many friends and left me with nothing but a fucked up nose, debt and no self respect.

Here’s to 308 days, Veronica Graham- Drugs will RUIN your life, it’s not a myth.

Day 57: “Breakfast Bail Out”

Posted in Uncategorized on July 2, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I woke up laying in the arms of my work crush… YEAH BABY!  I heard my phone ringing and grabbed it while trying to run into his bathroom (still fully clothed). I locked the door behind me and whispered “hello?!” into the phone. It was my boss from the salon I contract with in Tysons Corner.  She could tell I just woke up to her call and apologized for waking me up so early on a Saturday. I still kept my voice at a whisper because I didn’t want his roommates to hear me on the phone in his room.

My boss at the salon needed me to come in for a bridal trial, and of course I said yes, it’s my job and I love being a make up artist. After I got off the phone I ran over and jumped on the Irish hottie and said, “you gotta get me outta here without being seen, your roommates will never believe that we didn’t have sex!” Luckily, he knows I’m a spaz and told me that he would find a way to get me out safely and to lay back down. I didn’t have to be at the salon until mid afternoon, soooo I curled back into his arms. 

As I was laying in his bed with his arms around me I felt comfortable and safe, we didn’t even kiss the entire sleepover.  I pretty much blabbed his ear off the entire night and told him that I believed in the saying that kissing is more intimate. I actually inherited the idea from Pretty Woman (best movie ever). At 11:30am I gently tapped him on his shoulder and told him that I needed to head out. We both heard his roommates downstairs enjoying their Saturday afternoon talking. I started  to freak out again because I knew that they wouldn’t believe that we had just cuddled all night if we walked downstairs together. I’m not sure how he pulled it off but he did, in an instant he had me scurry out the front door like a ninja, and I was able to run to my car without being seen.

When I was dating a guy named “JAWS” we had to sneak around behind his girlfriends back all the time. It was exhausting hiding from his girlfriend. She was always around?!  His nickname was JAWS because his teeth where to big for his mouth and he had braces on for what seemed to be a 5 year sentence. He and I would party all the time, eat shrooms, and have sex like rabbits. He had a girlfriend the entire time we were dating, but I didn’t care because I was having fun. His mother really liked me and one night after JAWS and I were living it up at some house party we snuck back into his house to have a sex before I had to go home. Instead of leaving afterward, I passed out and woke up the next morning to his mom in my face whispering that JAWS’s girlfriend was at the front door!

His mom to this day is one of the coolest mom’s on the East Coast. She told me to listen carefully to what she was about to say and that I wouldn’t get caught by his girlfriend if I listened to her. She handed me my clothes to put on and told me to hide behind the door in the laundry room because his girlfriend was about to walk into his room. His room was an extension of the laundry room. So there I was hiding behind the door in the laundry room, with his bedroom in front of me and the door to the back yard to my right. I was trapped and scared shitless. His girlfriend had caught us sleeping in his parents bed before when JAWS mom was out of town. I knew if she saw me again she would beat my ass, so I stood there waiting quietly for the signal from his mom to get the hell out of there.

I heard his girlfriend come into his room and yell about how lazy he was and why wasn’t he answering her calls. I was just standing there praying that she didn’t look behind the door and see me. His mom intervened while they were arguing and told them both to go upstairs and she would make breakfast. As they went upstairs she pulled the door away from me and told me to run out the back door and get home before I got caught. She was a genius.

Here’s to 309 days, Veronica Graham- I’m still behind in my posts, and I will be back to the daily entries soon enough…I promise-