Day 58: “Fathers Day Fiasco”

I slept in today after burning the candle at both ends since Wednesday. I’ve been working at least once a day between make up gigs and the Irish bar. I’m happy about the work load, but I’m not a fan of the bags I’ve developed under my eyes. On the other hand that’s what makeup is for. I rolled out of bed around 3pm and yelled  “Happy Fathers Day!” to my dad while I was sitting on the toilet, half asleep through the bathroom door. I’m not a fan of the holidays, in case you haven’t noticed. 

My dad and my stepmom were headed out the door to enjoy their Sunday afternoon on Father’s Day (because most people do that on a holiday). They asked if I was going to join them for dinner later (I was still in the bathroom) and I said, “No, goddammit I work everyday, and I don’t have time!” I had just woken up, and anyone who knows me will agree that I’m the epitome of Satan when I wake up. 

When I was sniffing cocaine like I was being paid to do it, I would always have to call into work the next day. Cocaine drained me physically and mentally. I would lay down after taking my last line, and try to convince myself that I could fall asleep. Yeah right! My heart would race and I would bug out and want to do more coke. I didn’t care about any job because if I got fired from one employer I would just walk into a new potential employers place of business.  I’ve never really had problems getting a job…it’s keeping them that I’ve had trouble with.

At one point, I was hooking up with a guy named Dirty Dick. He always had coke, and I always had sex with him if he had coke. If he didn’t …I wouldn’t go near him. I feel nauseous just thinking about DD, and I kinda just threw up in my mouth, only a little bit. I was such a SLUT….big time! From the moment I met Dirty Dick he was all over me. He liked me, and I couldn’t even bear the site of him then let alone now. He just had what I wanted and I gave up the goods to keep him around. I used him for coke and he used me for sex. Our arrangement went on for at least 3 years on and off. 

DD wasn’t the typical coke head, he always had a good job and somehow managed to get a degree from a University. At first glance, you would think he was a nice guy. He went to a good school, had a nice family, and a nice car. I actually saw him roughly four months ago at a local bar. I had just finished going a date with someone who was completely boring, and I needed a drink. The date consisted of lunch and a movie, so traditional and stale.

I headed to the bar, not only because I was bored, but I was craving cocaine like a muthafucka! In the movie I had seen on my date I had a “trigger” by watching a scene that simulated someone who was doing cocaine at a house party.

My urge for cocaine still haunts me, even though I’ve stopped using…the addiction is still there. It’s one of the worst addictions I have ever had. Here I was sitting in a movie theater around 4pm and in a instant after watching a scene with cocaine in it, I started to CRAVE it. It was scary how fast my mind went from date mode to crack-head-gotta-get-coke mode. After the movie he took me home and I got into my car and went to a local bar. I ordered the biggest margarita I could afford, and sat there wishing I had coke. I mean, I think it safe to say that I willed it into existance. The mind is a powerful thing. 

I was sitting at the bar in a daze thinking about how I could score some coke for the night. I thought about the risk and how I would lose everything I had been working towards in my half ass attempt to turn my life around, and I didn’t care anymore. My mom says it was the devil. She may be right…

I took a sip of my margarita and looked to my right and DD was at the end of the bar. Dirty Dick was sitting laughing it up with some other girls. I instantly regretted making eye contact, but it was too late. DD waltzed over to me and offered to buy me a shot. He even went on to say that he was sorry for the way things played out with us in the past and that he still thought I was beautiful and wanted to take me out….ahem to fuck me. I gave it up so easily to him time and time again, what was one more time?

I leaned in closer to him and told him that I needed coke and wanted to know if he still was in the coke game. His eyes lit up like the 4th of July. He said he didn’t deal anymore but had some that someone had left at his house from the night before. He said I could go home with him and ya know…..have sex with him for the little bit he had left. I told him I wasn’t going to have sex with him and that I would PAY whatever amount he asked, if I could have it.

He said NO! He fucking said NO because I told him I wasn’t going to have sex with him. He even had the audacity to say “Aren’t you straight edge now?” After it was clear with my satanic stare that I would rather eat my own vomit then be alone with him in his apartment he got the point, bought me the shot he offered, and left me alone. At that point, I got the check and closed out my tab. I couldn’t even finish my drink, and booked it out of there like the bar was on fire.

I went to Blockbuster and rented every funny new arrival, ordered a #1 from Mickey D’s and spent every last dime I had in my wallet on bullshit from Walgreen’s. When I was in and out of AA/NA meetings they always said that if you feel an urge to drink or drug- smoke a cigarette, eat something with sugar in it, and call your sponsor or a friend in the program. I did the first two and passed out in tears in my bed because I was so close to using again, I even called people that don’t do coke to see if they could score me some on my drive to blockbuster.

Thank GOD everyone I called said NO! Eventhough I  hadn’t spoken to any of the people I called in months, they stilled cared enough about me to not give it to me. They had seen me at my worst with coke and convinced me that I didn’t need it. I called four different people from very different walks of life and they ALL cared enough about me to JUST SAY NO! I was able to remain strong because of them and I could hear their concern for me on the other end of the phone. Those four individuals (you know who you are) saved me that night from going back to cocaine. Cocaine took away my dignity, countless jobs, many friends and left me with nothing but a fucked up nose, debt and no self respect.

Here’s to 308 days, Veronica Graham- Drugs will RUIN your life, it’s not a myth.

One Response to “Day 58: “Fathers Day Fiasco””

  1. Dear Veronica,

    Your posts seem different since fight with Kimmi, if Kimmie or the fight was even real. This person seems less relatable and to be honest very unlikable. I’m wondering how much of the posts were you and how much of them were Kimmi. Its not just the stories being told badly, but Veronica just seems like a selfish b****. I used to think all these people were fake, especially Kimmie, since the way she was described was a stereotypical Asian Sex Bomb with Brains, but I can see now that she might have been real and probably the only good or honest influence in your life. No offense (if you are even real and this blog isnt some kind of scam or something), but I think you should worry about what messages your saying to people who started reading your blog for different reasons like me and my friends who are only 14 yrs old and looking for good role models that we can relate to, but it seems like this blog is now for a different kind of audience and let me know if Im wasting my time. My friends and I used to text each other when we saw your posts before but now they dont there all out of order and we dont like what we read anyway. If you are real and turning into this kind of person for real then I hope you get the help you need to get back on track and Im sorry for being so mean, but if your a fake person telling these kind of stories I think you should think about what messages your sending into the world especially since they started so different.

    Sincerely,

    Megan & her friends

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: