Archive for August, 2011

Day 131: “Stop being a Victim”

Posted in Uncategorized on August 31, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I woke up feeling sick to my stomach…I have leaned on other people my whole life to make me feel better. I’ve cried out to my family for money when I was in trouble or needed a quick bail out, and have been a project friend for most of my life. I’ve spent the majority of my life in crisis mode, and always asking friends for advice. When it came to guys I always searched for validation through sex…thats how I became such a well known slut. I wanted to feel sexy, I wanted to feel loved, appreciated, and above all I depended on a guy to make me happy. That obviously didn’t work! When it comes to my friendships I have leaned on the women in my life to make me feel better about me. I want to change my ways, but it shouldn’t be for someone else.

Lately, I haven’t been able to grasp how easy it is for people in my life to take a mirror, and shove it in my face to point out my flaws. Then I realized that it’s because of how many times I have cried wolf to them to help me get past another rainy day. I went to the Irish bar late last night because I got into an argument with a variety of different people yesterday, stuffing my face with fried food while drinking a snakebite was the answer to it all.  On my way out of the Irish bar I saw “The Jockey” (he is REALLY short). He is 5 years younger than me and still just as cute as ever. However, when he dumped me he made sure to tell me that it was for a younger girl with a smaller nose and less acne (yes, he said this). I couldn’t bare another interaction with a blast from the past so I high tailed it out of there. Respectfully,when we were seeing eachother he thought I was a great in bed. He was pretty feisty in the sac for a short fella from what I remember…I’m such a slut!

I truly believe that I have made myself MUCH to vulnerable around family, friends and even strangers. I have attracted “constructive” criticism whether or not I have asked for it because I play the victim card. I’ve felt like a science experiment almost my whole life. I’ve had friends in and out of my life since I hopped around from school to school all the time. I’ve been in and out of self help groups, psychologist and psychiatrist offices. Anyone who gives me an idea or a suggestion, I take it and impliment into my life. I can’t spend my life in this constant “victim mode” and ask for other peoples help because I can’t deal with my life, and better yet get mad when others give me advice. I’ve been so desperate to be accepted by people in general that when someone is upset with me I’m quick to say “I’m sorry for the way I am”  because I don’t want them to leave me, and I’m a “victim“.

The day I decided to put all of my shit out in the open came with a price, it started in high school when I leaned on all my friends to save me from whatever it was that day, and now it’s with the blog. I tell everyone everything about me, almost too much. It’s my biggest attribute, and my biggest flaw. I will do what you say or act how you want me too because I want to be liked by everyone. I can’t continue bending to the egos of the people that come in and out of my life anymore, just because I’m afraid of what they will think if I stick up for what I believe to be right or wrong (whatever that is).I don’t need to see eye to eye with everyone, but I do need to learn how to respect other people’s views. If I were more sure of who I am maybe I won’t get so defensive when I’m in a conversation with someone, and be willing to listen to them rather than attacking them. I need to take time to develop my own standards and morals instead of leaning on family and friends to give me all the answers. It’s obvious that I NEVER had any morals or standards….SOoooo I need to develop some.

I need to use the brain that God gave me and figure it out on my own, or google it. I need to incorporate changes whether small or big in my weak areas because I want to. If I don’t change for me than I will be a fake, a two faced bitch, a people pleaser, a chameleon, a “yes” man, or whatever else people call people who put on a show when the curtain goes up.

Here’s to 235 Days, Veronica Graham- Being a victim is exhausting, I’d rather be a shot caller-

Day 128-130: “3 Days of Madness”

Posted in Uncategorized on August 30, 2011 by Veronica Graham

On the day after the hurricane I worked at the Irish bar all day, and got my ass handed to me. Being a server may be one of the most mindless jobs out there, yet this particular profession has a way of bringing you to your knees at the end of a long shift. I can’t explain at what point my stomach turned upside down at the sight of having to wait on the guests, but it did. It’s not out of character for me to binge drink, and I was long over due. At the end of my shift I decided to “go sailing with Captain Morgan“. When we set sail together it usually ends in disaster. The next day was pure hell, and I spent the majority of my morning worshiping the porcelain goddess.

In the midst of my binger, before the night was over I had a meltdown about my past and confessed to one of my co-workers Jimmy that I used to be a crack head (apparently I haven’t forgiven myself for it). This meltdown happened after a few of us went back to his house to crash. I was in NO condition to drive and I’m glad I gave him my keys. Jimmy is a sweet guy and we have our own special way of communicating with each other in code when we work together. We created a language inspired by the 1966 version of Batman’s character “The Penguin” and his famous quack. Jimmy is by far, my favorite American coworker. Usually when we get started with our “Penguin” talk everyone else raises and eyebrow and says that we’re weird. This just encourages us to continue.

Jimmy and I talk a lot at work…he pointed out to me during a conversation we were having yesterday that I was entirely self absorbed, but have moments when I’m actually pleasant to be around. He told me that I have a way of always bringing ANY conversation about ANYTHING back to me. For example, we could be talking about dogs (he has a dog walking business on the side), and I will rudely interrupt him to bring up a story about a dog I used to have. Jimmy is not the only person I act like this around, Kimmie and Whitney have experienced it too. I find it hard to believe that I’m like this all the time (go figure), but maybe I am. Maybe I am self absorbed or maybe I’m over compensating for something that I’m missing in my life. Either way this “character defect” is tearing me apart on the inside and hurting my friendships. I notice when I do it now, and I’m having a hard time not being like this. Believe me, I HATE this selfish streak in me.

Well, I’ve admitted to my self absorbed ways so I feel comfortable talking more about me. A day in life of Veronica Graham starts like this…

For as long as I can remember, I wake up to my Stepmom…ahem Step Monster slamming the attic door (including today). FYI-monsters usually hide in the attic, under beds or in closets. The attic is her favorite place to go in and out of throughout the day, before work and after work. I assume she has all of her monster paraphernalia in it, granted why she spends most of her free time in it. Also, one of her closets is right outside my door. She goes in and out of it and likes to reorganize it. Sometimes she looks to find something to wear because the custom made closet in the master bedroom isn’t large enough for her. Just to give you an idea of what this layout looks looks like…when you walk out of my bedroom door her closet is to my right and the entrance to the attic is in front of me.

My dad’s office is to the left of my bedroom and anyone who knows him, knows he talks very loudly (its where I picked it up). He is always on conference calls in the morning becasue he likes to work out of his office. My dad’s office is also his music room, so when he’s practicing a new song on the guitar …guess who gets to hear him practice until it’s perfect…that’s right folks ME because it’s all about ME. I’ve already stated that our walls are paper thin in a previous entry, but what I haven’t mentioned is that our house has 4 floors. The 4th floor is where I reside and where ALL the action is. In a house that big, why is the all the action centered around my room?

My Step Monster bitches at me for spending all my time at home in my room, but I need time to recharge. I work with people all the TIME! I need time to be alone and in silence when I’m at home. It truly is a disruptive living environment and thats why I spend little to no time at home or hiding in my bedroom. To make matters worse I’m still not allowed to have a lock on my bedroom door. When I was in high school I got in trouble for slamming the door in my dad’s face ALL the time, so he took away my doorknob until he felt I deserved it back. When I got my new doorknob is was nicely wrapped under the Christmas tree one year. My new doorknob came without a lock on it. It was a family joke, but I didn’t find it funny at all. I was a teenager when it happened, but what teenager on God’s green earth doesn’t secretly hate their parents? At any giving point when I’m in my room either of them can just walk right in, and they do. They justify it by knocking first and then walking in, or yelling through the door that they are about to walk in, or better yet when I say I’m busy they will stand outside my door and talk to my door hoping I’m listening. I know what your thinking…if it’s that bad then MOVE OUT because it’s their house too!

I can’t leave yet because for the FIRST time in my life I have money in my savings, and when I do leave I want to do it the right way. I don’t want to set myself up for failure this time (like when I ran away to California). I would rather get a root canal done then ever move back in for ANY reason once I’m gone. I live in a constant state of paranoia and limited privacy. I just recently got my act together, and I know I’m much to old to be living at home. It’s an unhealthy environment for me, and I’m very unhappy living in Pleasantville. The friends that I hold dear to me feel the wrath of my frustration on a daily basis. It’s wearing my spirit down because I know somewhere deep within me is an easy going person who knows how to be a friend. I just hope that its not too late once I do move out at the end of the year.

Here’s to Days 238-236, Veronica Graham, The good friend within me is currently dormant, but it exists-

Day 127: “Pondering Rumors during Hurricane Irene”

Posted in Uncategorized on August 28, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I’ve been checking the weather radar since yesterday and have heard rumors that I need to stock up on water, milk and bread. Rumors have been spreading like wild fires in DC for people to be prepared for potential power outages caused by hurricane Irene’s fury. When I stopped by 711 for cigarettes I noticed that they didn’t have any ice left and ALL the milk was gone. First of all, who the fuck came up with the idea that milk is a necessity if the power goes out?! It’s going to SPOIL. Seriously, grab a fucking bottle of whiskey from the liquor store and a bag of potato chips…the panic in people is a little unbearable. It seems that people were more relaxed and accepting of the Earthquake that couldn’t be stopped or prepared for. I think the idea of the earth moving and potentially splitting open from underneath my feet is horrifying, not heavy rains and gusts of wind.

I’m convinced that rumors can hurt people, and cause unnecessary anxiety. Rumors will always be out there, but if you know what the truth is you can accept a rumor for what is. It’s just a rumor. I’ve seen red flags in people before. However, I’ve looked past all the signs that tell me that someone isn’t looking out for my best interest, yet I still trust people that I know I shouldn’t. I see what I want to see in people, all people. I want so badly to believe that all the warning signs that flare up are bogus and that I’m just paranoid, but what if these warning signs are there for a reason.

Either way, I should still take these warning signs into consideration because when I take a blind eye I always suffer a consequence. Not so long ago…well let’s be honest, 127 Days ago I was the girl who when a rumor was spread about me it was true. Now that I’m turning a new leaf I’ve started to realize that EVERY choice I make may or may not have a negative consequence. I’ve done some things that I probably shouldn’t have during this vow, but I’m thankful that I’ve come this far without having sex.

I need to stop giving people that I’m not to sure of a reason to potentially spread rumors because it almost happened with Latino Hot Lips. The choice is mine. It always has been, I’m just finally starting to realize it. When I was making out with Latino Hot Lips and he gave me a hickey a few weeks back…I failed to mention in “12 Sleepless Nights” that after I left that night after not putting out he sent me a string of texts saying that I wasn’t the miss innocent that everyone believed me to be because he titty fucked me.

He DIDN”T.  The next morning when I woke up before I went out for lunch I was still furious about it, and worried that he would start spreading a rumor about it. I drove to his mother’s house and confronted him about it. I had to stop this potential rumor, and believe you me I was as “mad as a bag of spiders ( that’s Irish lingo)”. Let’s just say I haven’t heard from him since and his mother told me to move on because I wasn’t the only girl in his life. Thanks to his mother I was able to find out the truth, but I’m not always going to be that lucky. In my experience the truth usually hurts, but I respect it for what it is.

I’m starting to learn that when you play with fire you usually get burned. This should be common knowledge, but  I have a tendency to learn the hard way about everything, its exhausting at times and liberating at others. I was told by another make up artist that I met at the modeling camp over the summer that growth and change is not suppose to be easy. She believed that if you don’t learn your lessons the first time around the consequences of continuing bad behavior will become more severe. I agree with her and am grateful for that bit of wisdom she threw my way.

Here’s to 239 Days,  Veronica Graham-I don’t know if you’ve heard, but all of DC is saying Irene is a bitch!

Day 126: “The Bible and a pack of Camels”

Posted in Uncategorized on August 27, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I worked at the Irish bar earlier today, and then met my dad for dinner at a mexican restaurant around 5pm. It was brief, but we had a nice time. We are complete opposites as I have stated, but we had a great conversation about work and how much we enjoy our jobs. I got a text from Kimmie to join her at a Bible study this evening and kind of did a double take at the message. I told her that I was having dinner with my dad…then she texted that it didn’t start until 7pm. I knew I could make it, but I thought about coming up with a lame excuse as to why I couldn’t go. I didn’t…she would have known I was lying, and I’ve never been really good about lying so what would have been the point.

I met her at the Bible study that she was invited to by someone she had just met at work, she was even a little hesitant when she got invited but she went just the same. We are partners in crime so I couldn’t let her be alone in a room full of good Christians without me. When I arrived I was the first person there, there was a table filled with goodies to eat and a nice selection of non alcoholic beverages. I introduced myself to the hostess of house and told her that I was invited by Kimmie, who was invited by a member of her church. She guided me to the living room and introduced me to her lovely family. She is married and has two of the cutest gremlins. I was kind of jealous, but whatever. I quickly realized that this was a Bible study for married couples, and not singles. Family after family showed up for this study and all of them had children.

The place was packed with happy families and gremlins, so naturally I started to freak out (on the inside). I was alone in a room full of happy people and Kimmie was stuck in traffic. When Kimmie arrived, she had her Bible in her hand ready to learn (typical Asian) always a step ahead of the game. I really had to got to the bathroom so I excused myself before the Bible study started. I have almost zero experience with children from ages 1-3 years old, and forgot how much they like to get into EVERYTHING! I accidently left my purse open when “Trouble” decided to get in to it. “Trouble” is absolutely adorable and I wanted to keep him. However, while I was in the bathroom he decided to go into my purse and pulled out my pack of Camels and my iPhone to play with. Fortunately, Kimmie was there to take the smokes and the iPhone away from him. Kimmie is always bailing me out, and I love her for that.

When I went back into the room, she told me what happened. I was MORTIFIED! I instantly turned three shades of red and apologized to the mother of “Trouble”. Here I was in a room filled with gremlins and Bibles, and Kimmie saved the day by taking my smokes away from “Trouble”. His mother was kind and told me not to worry. After the insanely informative Bible study the gremlins came back upstairs with the Bible study nanny to be returned to their parents. “Trouble” spotted me out in the crowd and wobbled over to me. He found a wheat cracker that I had and started to eat it….no harm there, right? WRONG. His mother proceeded to tell me that he was allergic to wheat when she saw him eating it. I started to sweat and panic. Not only were Kimmie and I cluless as to where to find certain books of the Bible during the study and had to recieve help…I could have killed my little friend “Trouble” if his allergies had been severe.

I realized in that moment that if I ever decide to have children I will need to take a class on parenting as well as a class on how to be a good wife. Kimmie will be joining me in these classes whether she likes it or not. It was hard for me to be around what I perceived to be good Christians. I felt a resistance within me to run like hell after I got to the Bible study, and I also wanted to order a shot of tequila and bail out of going to the restaurant I agreed to go to afterward to meet the single Christians. I couldn’t leave Kimmie hanging so I was all smiles, and I actually enjoyed the Bible study. Ironically, I consider myself to be a Christian…not a very good one, but one nonetheless. Kimmie could relate to my feeling of resistance and we agreed that we both had some soul searching to do on what it means to be a good Christian.

Here’s to 240 Days, Veronica Graham, It’s comical that I wear a cross around my neck, I’m clueless when it comes to my faith-

Day 125: “5 Stages to Ho Recovery”

Posted in Uncategorized on August 26, 2011 by Veronica Graham

When I first started this blog I was in denial that I could even go through with my vow of abstinence, fortunately I have entered into the anger stage of this recovery. I have NO doubts in mind now, I will complete this vow. I’d like to thank all of my past flings for the strength to never give up and continue on my path to Ho Recovery. I got off work from the Irish bar, and decided to go to my favorite local bar for a beer before I headed home because I wanted to unwind. I walked into the bar and saw that the only seat that wasn’t taken by someone, being hovered over by drinkers, or right in front of the live band playing, was next to a guy that I’ve had sex with. This particular guy fucked me and ran out of my car (I wrote about him in a previous entry). I never heard from him again, and I have occasionally seen him at my local spots, but I just ignore him.

I sat down next to him and another person that I don’t know, said hello to the bartenders and ordered a beer. I sat back in my chair and started to watch the rest of the Redskins pre season game. I was drinking my beer and acted as anyone does who gets off work and wants to drink a beer in front of the boob tube. I’m still living in Pleasantville so I go out more than I would like to since it’s hard to relax the way I like at home. I hadn’t even taken two sips of my beer before the “Fuck and Flee guy” yells in my ear “Hi!” I ignore him…He then says “Did you hear me, I said Hi!” I ignore him…He then says “You’re so RUDE!”

I felt my blood pressure start to rise, and in that moment I realized that this guy wasn’t going to bow out gracefully and leave me alone. I looked over to my right and just as he was about to blurt out another comment, I looked him dead in the eye and said “Fuck you and your feelings, I don’t like you and this was the only place to sit at the bar!” I knew that my temper was about to sky rocket so I threw some cash on the bar and walked out.

This guy pretty much said “Fuck you” to me the day he ran out of my car after he got off. I don’t owe him ANYTHING, not even a hello. Just a reminder of how big a slut I used to be…I don’t even remember this guys name. What kills me about him is that he thought I needed to make him feel comfortable by acknowledging him. I guess he thought I should be sooo lucky as to have him say hello to me, please….I would rather play in traffic. He felt that I should want to make him feel comfortable and be ok with how he treated me after he fucked me and rolled out. Here’s a news flash, I have always been a fairly open person and allowed random guys that are practically strangers stick their dicks in me…those days are OVER. I have my guards up and if I don’t want you in my personal space, you won’t be in it. If I don’t want to acknowledge you, I won’t…Even if I have to leave a public place.

In this anger stage, I’m repulsed by men in a non-lesbian way. In the past I would make tons of excuses for the guys in and out of my life. I was so eager to get a guys attention, even if it was negative. Those days are far behind me and the blinders have been lifted. I see the men in my past for who they really are, not what I wish them to be. I actually saw that guy Mike in the Irish bar today (the one who stood me up) he saw me and scurried to the other side of the bar. In my eyes he’s a coward.

I’m not sure when the bargaining stage will hit, but I assume it will happen after I make some sort of promise to God. Maybe I will go to church all the time, or wait to have sex with the man of my dreams until marriage, I’m definitely not there yet. The depression is sure to set in around the holidays since I HATE being alone, but just when I feel that I will end up all alone with six cats and fifty pounds over weight…I will find acceptance.

Here’s to 241 Days, Veronica Graham- To all my exes…you should have kept me when I was too stupid to realize I deserve better-

Day 124: “The Bonding Chemical”

Posted in Uncategorized on August 25, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I watched a documentary called “Secrets to Love”, after it came highly recommended by Kimmie a couple days ago. It talks about the difference between men and women and how they interact with one another, why women feel the need to talk about everything, and why men usually don’t. The coolest part was when they had an interview with a scientist. She said “that woman and men both have bonding chemicals, but when men sleep with women that bonding chemical is significantly lower in men than in women“. The example they gave was a classic, what happens after a one night stand. Initially, its all fun and games….you know what I’m talking about…Sex in the shower, the kitchen, breaking out the hand cuffs, blind folds and frosting for blow jobs. Then the sun comes up and you find yourself staring at this guy you barely know and wonder if something more could come of it, like a relationship.

If you’re anything like me than you went into it the night before knowing that it’s ONLY for one night. Somehow or another a small thought has crossed my mind every time I have had a one night stand, even if it’s faint. For me it’s always been…Maybe something could come of this, yeah he works at McDonald’s but its an honest living, so what if he is living with his mom and unemployed the economy is bad, he might be a raging porn addict but I like porn too, or better yet he’s a pot head (at least we won’t go hungry). According to the documentary a woman’s “bonding chemical” increases 12x’s after sex whether she’s screwed a successful lawyer from New York or the exterminator. In men it only increases 5x’s!

This is the million dollar piece of information that I have been missing since I have been screwing my way into adulthood. I can’t stop this bonding chemical in my brain from attaching to every penis I have slept with. I need to protect my “bonding chemical” and make sure that I’m attaching it to a guy who wants to be with me for more reasons than just acting as a cum dumpster. It also clears up the one night stand dilemma for me, and I’ll be sure to avoid them when I’m done with my vow of abstinence.

Here’s to 242 Days, Veronica Graham, Be careful who you bond with ladies-

Day 123: “My First Earthquake”

Posted in Uncategorized on August 24, 2011 by Veronica Graham

It was a day like any other, waking up to the sound of my stepmom, ahem step-monster running through the house like a meth head and rearranging all the furniture (she does this a lot). I took a break from writing and decided to take a shower.  I couldn’t have been in the tub for more than a few minutes before it started to rock back in forth ever so slightly, at first I thought GOD? Is that you, aww shit, I’m sorry for everything…guess this is it for me, OR I’ve been possessed by the dark side and am seeing shit as if I were shrooming. Last but not least, I thought my stepmom was doing some intense renovations in the house because I saw her painting in my dad’s office earlier, maybe she was really putting some elbow grease into her work. I quickly realized that this tub shaking wasn’t normal and I turned off the shower, hopped out, put on a robe, and ran downstairs. I have yet to talk about my step monster in this blog, but I will…trust me, she’s not exempt. I believe in the saying “Save the best for Last”.

When I got to the bottom of the stairs, my stepmom aka step-monster looks at me with a phone in her hand (the earthquake had just stopped) and she said “Oh, I didn’t know you were still here I was hiding in the closet with water downstairs, that was an earthquake…are you okay?” Are walls are paper thin and you can hear everything, it’s not a mansion. Secretly, I think she hoped I would fall through the foundation, blame my death on the earthquake and claim to have not heard a thing because her hearing is slightly impaired (yeah right). I wish I could believe that what she said was true, but I don’t since I said “Hi” to her around noon, and saw her painting. She usually starts talking about the most random things after I see her, I just walk away because she likes to push my buttons ALL the time. I think she gets off on it. In case you can’t tell, we don’t like each other. So we play the “let’s ignore each other until dad comes home” game. When he is around we pretend for his sake, that we care about each other.

Later on, Kimmie and I went to Whitney’s for the “Aftershock Party”. We had a great time drinking wine and eating food. I was glad to see that no one was hurt and happy to be with both of them drinking like a fish. I had a little too much to drink, but thats normal for me. Before I picked up Kimmie for the dinner party…Whitney and I had a great conversation about what it means to be a “true friend” versus a “fair weather friend”.  I explained that I was in the process of evaluating my relationships with people in general, and I want to be sure that I’m putting my energy into the right people. I found out that I had hurt her feelings in one of my entries and I had to explain where I was coming from because she matters to me. In my opinion, it’s normal to test the spirit in other people to understand what their motives are, how they fit into your life, why they are in it, and if they should even remain.

My life is slowly changing for the better and I want to know that the people in my corner are the right ones. This filtering process will allow me to concentrate on making those few who I do want in my future a priority. It’s important for me to know that THEY know I’m loyal to them. I think my bond with Whitney is closer now than ever because we were able to hear each others point of view, and now we can grow from it. 

Heres to 243 days, Veronica Graham- Only a slut would be naked during an earthquake-