Day 101-117: “Back on Track”

After this post I will be starting up again with my daily blog entries and I’m very excited about it. I’ve kept in mind this time around the possibility of disappearing again could happen when I’m stuck on a story or feel like giving up. Fortunately, a solution is in tact. If I’m having one of those days when I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, I will be sure to post an entry with no less than 100 words to keep people connected to me and what happened that particular day to cause my minor meltdown. I’m committed to this 100 word minimum on shitty days (because they will happen) with the same enthusiasm I have when it comes to keeping my vow. 

On a lighter note, I cracked my windshelid after I threw my old cell phone at it. I then proceeded to rip the phone apart piece by piece, and then call my insurance company and blame a rock for the windsheild damage. I purchased a new phone with a new number and am glad to be rid of my old phone, and all the drama and booty calls that came with it. The death of my Samsung happened so quickly after receiving a phone call from RMM. He wanted me to go to the Florida keys with him because he was planning to purchase a new boat and wanted a hot piece of ass on his arm.

I LOST it, I screamed at him and told him that I’m not a home-wrecker anymore, and that ever since I started the blog I had no intentions of ever going back to him. Yes, he is STILL married. In my eyes he is a cheating bastard who owes it to his family to keep the vows he made and make it work with his wife or get a divorce, instead of trying to fuck me. At the end of our conversation he told me that he would rather go alone than here me bitch the entire way to Florida. At that point, I hung up the phone, threw it at my windshield, picked it back up to tear it apart and called Verizon to cancel it permanently. He wanted me to be his mistress and to this day doesn’t believe that I can keep up with this vow, I assume others think that I will crumble and fall on a dick the size of Ron Jeremy’s before this year is up, but so far I’m dong just fine with Mr. Pinky.

After the screening my life has perpetually felt unbalanced. Its like coming down from “E”. I decided to head to the mountains in the Shenendoah Valley to find some peace of mind. During my hike without a map, I ended up on the wrong side of the mountain, and when I finally got the bottom of the wrong side I looked at the map and it said that I was roughly 2 hours away from where I should be. I sighed and panicked a little because rain was in the forecast and mountain weather changes so quickly. I pictured myself being lost on a trail in a thunderstorm. I booked it up the mountain because I didn’t want to get stuck on a mountain alone in the rain. The fear alone was enough to make my cigarette smoking ass walk faster than I thought I could in such a high altitude. At one point, the trail was just rock and when your hiking up hill is imperative to have a walking stick.

I looked down in midst of the rocky trail and saw the perfect walking stick. I grabbed it, looked to sky and thanked God. I felt it was a sign. I also thought about Charlton Heston when he played Moses in the movie “The Ten Commandments” and the scene when he went into the mountains and God was revealed to him. When he came back down he had become wiser and older looking. However, after I made it back to other side of the mountain I did not have any words of wisdom ringing in my head to be carved into a stone tablet, and I didn’t have a white beard. I proceeded to run to my car like any true city girl, and drive to the lodge to get a cup of coffee and stuff my face with baklava that I had packed for the road trip.

I’m very disconnected from old friends, and am trying to figure out where I stand with a lot of my relationships with friends and family (obviously). I even went back to church after I found out from my sister that my mom is living in a shelter in Southern Virginia. If she were anyone else I would be beside myself with worry, but Mother Graham is a survivor…she is like a cockroach and could survive a nuclear attack on The United States of America. My sister and I have an on going joke about this analogy. Although, we both love her dearly her choices have landed her where she is and deep down we both know that she will be fine.

The more all of this stuff is happening the more I’m forced to look inside myself. While I was working at the modeling camp I witnessed first hand how bullying is still alive and well amongst girls from ages 8-17 years of age, and how it never really goes away when you become an adult, it’s just different. The difference between children and adults is that there isn’t going to be an outside person to stick up for me, but while I was the adult working with children, I made sure to stop it in my presence. There were a few incicdents where I had to put a youngin’ in place for bullying.

I had just finished an up do that I will call the flower bun, it’s looks really cool, and this particular little girl whom I will call “Flower Girl” loved it when I was finished. Before she walked over for her photo shoot, another camper said that it looked like a cinnabon and started chanting “Cinnabon Hair!” with the other girls until it made the “Flower Girl” feel self conscious about it. I spoke loud enough for the other girls to hear that sometime girls get jealous when the see something they like that they don’t have. Some girls don’t know how give a compliment so they poke fun to feel better about themselves. “Flower Girl” didn’t buy it so I pulled an analogy of of my ass and said ” When you see a butterfly, you notice its beauty and tell everyone, and when you see a moth you say nothing”. I told her that beauty is always noticed and to not let the other girls make her feel less than because of there jealousy.

Another incident happened when I was teaching a makeup class. It was time to teach the campers how to use mascara when I met “Lovely Lashes”. When it was her turn she looked at me and said that she didn’t want to use mascara because it made her look like a bird. I knew insticntivelty that some where down the line someone had made fun of her when she wore it. I asked her why she thought that and she said that one of her “friends” had told her to never wear it again because it made her look like a bird.  I told “Lovely Lashes” to look in the mirror and look at how long and beautiful her natural lashes were. I stated that women pay hundreds of dollars for eyelashes like hers. I also informed her that mascara will just enhance the beauty of her lashes, and to give it a try one more time, and she did and was happy that she did.

Last but not least was my favorite little girl whom I will call “Studious Sweetie” who wore glasses. After I finished her up do one of the other campers looked at her and poked fun at her glasses, and said to not wear them for her photo shoot because models don’t wear glasses. I told ” Studious Sweetie” that I wear glasses and contacts, and scolded the other girls for there rude remark to her before her photo shoot. I stated that both the little girl and are are nearsighted and need them to read far away and that it was inappropraite to poke fun at her for something that she needs to see. The bottom line is that I’m an adult and I should stick up for other children when children are crossing the line.

It got me thinking about what happens when adults are crossing the line with other adults. Its up to me to say “fuck you and your feelings”. They might not believe me but I will show them all that the bullshit they have been spewing out of there mouth is just that, bullshit. Little do they know that all of the shit talking they are doing is just encouraging me to succeed because that is the only way a proper lady can say fuck you.

On my last day with the modeling camp the photographer told me that I did the work of three hairstylists, and if I keep it up I could possibly have a chance at Fashion Week one day. I was speechless and in that moment I realized that not one of my friends besides Kimmie or family members have ever seen me work or have genuinely taken an interest in my work. They may have seen me rip roaroing drunk, or face down in a bowl of cocaine, or having sex with some loser, but they don’t see me busting my ass to get 60 up dos done in seven hours that are photo shot ready for models. I wasn’t preparing the girls for a school picture or a high school prom, I was helping them to get work in the future.

I’ve worked in weather conditions that sucked and still gave it MY best to make sure every actor looked prefect before they got on set. I’m not bragging I’m just stating the truth. I have worked on films with the FBI, the Yellow Ribbon Veterans Affair, numerous short films and two feature length films. I should be proud of my accomplishements and be abe to talk about them versus entertaining some other adults idea of what I should strive to become, like a hair cuttery stlyist or a girl who works at a make up counter or even better, a restaurant manager. I’ve always felt like I’m not aloud to talk about my job with my friends or family. Yes, I am proud of myself and how far I’ve come. None of this is considered bragging if I’m putting it on my resume, its a clear cut fact.

On a final note, its easier to look at the bigger picture when your talking to someone else. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in what happens in my life that I can’t take an objective look at my life. KIMMIE, is the person in my life that I go to because she is the one who helped me get through my lapse in writing. Let me set the record straight….we fight like cats and dogs, but I would take a bullet for that girl. She is my mentor and my BEST friend, and has helped me sort out my thoughts to continue these past three bulks of writing, and I cherish our friendship now more than ever. She has ALWAYS giving me sound advice and I will always thank my lucky stars that I have her in my life, and that she is my friend. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve invested too much of my energy into fair-weather friends who only show up when it’s convenient, and neglected the one that has been loyal to me through THICK and THIN. Don’t get me wrong, fair-weather friends are great to have as long as you recognize them for what they are, and not what you wish they were.

Here’s to Day’s 265-249, Veronica Graham- Just when when you think your about to break, remember to bend.

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