Day 73-85: “Fate or Fantasy”

These past 15 days have been pretty monotonous and not a lot has happened . My days have been filled with nonstop work, which I’m very thankful for. I have been working at the Irish bar, styling hair at the modeling camp and preparing for my gig in VA Beach. In the midst of all of this, I have been obsessing over my work crush. I have had at least five dreams about him.  The comical part of it is that he doesn’t have my number, we don’t hang out and were not friends, yet I still think I have a chance. I keep asking myself why the hell this guy is on my mind so much?! Is it because I am meant to dream about him or is it because I think about him so much that the idea of him seeps into my subconscious, I don’t know. I do secretly wish Carl Jung was still alive, I would make a great study case for him… Kimmie and I have started talking again, and were back to normal. Normal meaning…calling each other all the time and talking nonstop about the meaning of life and boys.

When I arrived in VA Beach after leaving DC at 3am, I got to the hotel around 7am. I can’t stresss enough how much I love my job. I didn’t hit any traffic and I thought I was going to have a drama free day, but I was wrong.  When I pulled up to the hotel I was tired and ready to pull out my eye mask and wrap myself in my knock off zebra print snuggie. I would have never left DC that early with no sleep if I didn’t request an earlier check-in then 3pm. graciously booked me a room and promised that I could check in early with my special request that I had made. Worst case scenario, I would have to wait it out until 11am at a coffe shop. When I walked into the hotel…I looked like a crack head, I had huge bags under my eyes, and my voice was scartchy from a lack of sleep. I needed to get some sleep and I told the guy at the check-in counter that I had made a special request to check in early, and was ready to check in if the room was avaibale. He proceeded to tell me that didn’t know what they were talking about, and that I would have to wait until 3pm unless I paid an additional amount for an early check in. I morphed into “Super Bitch” instantly. He didn’t know what the fuck hit him when I bitched he and out. Needless to say, I got an upgrade to a suite and a small refund from after ripping into a customer service lady about it. I can be a royal bitch when I need to be and it worked. I was asleep in my king size bed at 8am. I’m a force to reckon with when I’m sleep deprived, clearly.

That night after I got some much needed rest, I got to meet up with my actress friend Jasmine. She is in love with someone in the biz who we will call Aladdin and just like in the movie Jasmine is promised to someone else. However, she is in love with Aladdin. The catch is that Aladdin is also promised to someone and there love for one another is a secret. I spent my entire weekend hearing about Aladdin….the WHOLE weekend. Aladdin is on her mind all the time just as mine is about my work crush.

At this point, I don’t think it’s too far fetched to say that Aladdin is Jasmine’s reason for being right now. I’m not used to listening to someone else’s problems, it actually took a lot for me to actively listen to her talk about him. As she was spilling her guts to me about him I couldn’t even get out a sentence about my secret work crush. I kept thinking that if only I had slept with my work crush I could be with him now and it wouldn’t be a secret anymore. I feel like I can convince this guy to like me, but that is absurd. He’s just not that into me, I should probably read the book again. The questions started to pour in my mind as I was listening to Jasmine confess her feelings to me about Aladdin. Why do I like someone that I know nothing about? Is it because he is a foreigner and has an accent, is it because I want what I can’t have or that I work with him and it’s convenient, or that I’m a spoiled rotten bitch who doesn’t like to hear the word NO?! Umm..I think the answer is yes to all of my questions.

I was watching “Archer” the other night and the character Pam was talking to Cheryl. Pam asked Cheryl why the guy she liked only wanted to sleep with her while his roommates were gone and never hang out with her in public, or even introduce her to his friends. Cheryl looked at her and said that it was because Pam was equivalent to riding a moped, everyone thinks they are fun to ride but would never want to be seen on one. The first thing that came to my mind while watching it, besides laughing my ass off was why in the hell would Pam go for some guy that doesn’t like or respect her, and why do I want to waste my time with liking someone who doesn’t like me. It makes no sense.

It’s easy to look at someone else and their situation, and see that they are going to get hurt. It’s easy to take whatever bone is being tossed your way when your blinded by the fascination of being with someone who doesn’t want to be with you unless it’s kept a secret. You can’t help but judge them for how ridiculous it is for them to be in the situation they have created, and at the same time you want to protect the them. However, when the shoe is on the other foot, your just as naive as they are. It’s easy to connvince yourself that your different, and that it won’t happen to you. In regards to me, its easy to believe that five dreams about somone I know nothing about is meant to mean that we are destined to be together because I want to believe it means something, and that no one else understands because the world is against me. In my case feelings aren’t fact and it’s probably the case with Jasmine, too.

We don’t see stories where Jasmine stays with the guy she was betrothed to, and what happens when five years pass when she can’t even remember Aladdin’s last name. Somehow we can act as foolish as we want and believe that things will work out in our favor because we want it too. Like Kimmie always tells me “God looks at our plans and laughs”.  This was definitely the case with my love for Iago as well. I wanted it to work but it wasn’t meant to be. At what point do you wake up to reality and start listening to your head instead of your heart….hopefully before it’s too late.

Here’s to Days 293-281 , Veronica Graham- Your heart can lie to you, especially when your heart is a lying bitch.

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