Day 122: “I’m a Creeper”

When I was in high school, I had a tendency to follow around guys that I liked as if I were a lost puppy. These guys would see me and I would put on my sad puppy face long enough for them to give me the okay to be near them. “The Friend” was one of the guys and the other was “Yankee Baby” (he always had a Yankees hat on).  I was always around him and made sure of it, during school and after school, he and his friends just wrote me off as a permanent fixture of YB and allowed me to be around if I agreed to stop talking and be less annoying. I was constantly at YB’s house, and called him ALL the time…Even when he had girlfriends, because thats what sluts do, they make everyone around them feel uncomfortable because they want all the attention. I’m sure YB’s girlfriends wanted to stuff me a locker, but they never did. “Yankee Baby” and hooked up a few times, once in a closet during Sophomore Skip Day (yes, in high school the sophomores had a keg party and told the Seniors to FUCK off!), and a kiss here and there at his house after polishing off case’s of Natty Light. I always waited until he was inebriated before I pounced him, it was much easier to get him to make out with me.

“Yankee Baby” like the “The Friend” had a soft spot for my crazy and possessive ways. In their mind, I think that they felt sorry for me and never really had the heart to tell me that I never had a chance because I was a slut. I loved sex and was constantly sleeping with guys from different high schools. I even had the audacity to claim that I was in love with both of them when I hung out with them. I was always with a new guy and everyone knew I was easy, I just thought they didn’t know (I’ve been living in a slut bubble for far too long). For fuck sake, I should have been hog tied and thrown in a trunk until I could grasp a hold of my hormonal imbalance. I would have slept with my psychology teacher if it wasn’t for all those rules about not being able to sleep with your teachers, and the possibility of him being thrown in jail if it were to ever happen. I was always in a dilemma with my family and always in fights at school with teachers and friends. I was a nightmare, a slutty nightmare dressed in Gap clothing.

Even now I go for these fantasy relationships that will never work (my work crush). I woke up today and realized that my mind is still like a teenagers when it comes to guys. I only see guys for there potential versus who they really are, and I live in the idea that one day we will be together, even if there isn’t a chance in hell that it would ever work out for the long haul. I did it with the “The Friend”, “Yankee Baby”, “Iago”, “HSS” etc. What’s worse is that once these fantasy relationships are over I then become even more infatuated with them, and chase after them with full force. I don’t know why. I really don’t. I just know its not working and it never has, and I need to change it.

I’m “the creeper” now since I’ve gotten older, I told Kimmie that my work crush stares at me, she scoffed and said “Well, wouldn’t you be staring at someone who was always watching you!” I laughed and agreed that I probably would. High school has been over for 10+ years and I’m still stuck in it. I’m an adult now whether I want to realize it or not. I have responsibilities and so does my work crush. He loves his job, and I love my job. I would never let some drama queen ruin what I’ve worked so hard to keep, especially if it had potential to cause problems at work. I should show some respect for him by giving him his space in his working environment. If I’m making him uncomfortable in any way, it’s only a matter of time before I will be fired. His life and financial security are tied to the Irish bar, not mine.

Here’s to 244 days, Veronica Graham- I’m sorry work crush, I’ll stop being creepy.

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