Day 125: “5 Stages to Ho Recovery”

When I first started this blog I was in denial that I could even go through with my vow of abstinence, fortunately I have entered into the anger stage of this recovery. I have NO doubts in mind now, I will complete this vow. I’d like to thank all of my past flings for the strength to never give up and continue on my path to Ho Recovery. I got off work from the Irish bar, and decided to go to my favorite local bar for a beer before I headed home because I wanted to unwind. I walked into the bar and saw that the only seat that wasn’t taken by someone, being hovered over by drinkers, or right in front of the live band playing, was next to a guy that I’ve had sex with. This particular guy fucked me and ran out of my car (I wrote about him in a previous entry). I never heard from him again, and I have occasionally seen him at my local spots, but I just ignore him.

I sat down next to him and another person that I don’t know, said hello to the bartenders and ordered a beer. I sat back in my chair and started to watch the rest of the Redskins pre season game. I was drinking my beer and acted as anyone does who gets off work and wants to drink a beer in front of the boob tube. I’m still living in Pleasantville so I go out more than I would like to since it’s hard to relax the way I like at home. I hadn’t even taken two sips of my beer before the “Fuck and Flee guy” yells in my ear “Hi!” I ignore him…He then says “Did you hear me, I said Hi!” I ignore him…He then says “You’re so RUDE!”

I felt my blood pressure start to rise, and in that moment I realized that this guy wasn’t going to bow out gracefully and leave me alone. I looked over to my right and just as he was about to blurt out another comment, I looked him dead in the eye and said “Fuck you and your feelings, I don’t like you and this was the only place to sit at the bar!” I knew that my temper was about to sky rocket so I threw some cash on the bar and walked out.

This guy pretty much said “Fuck you” to me the day he ran out of my car after he got off. I don’t owe him ANYTHING, not even a hello. Just a reminder of how big a slut I used to be…I don’t even remember this guys name. What kills me about him is that he thought I needed to make him feel comfortable by acknowledging him. I guess he thought I should be sooo lucky as to have him say hello to me, please….I would rather play in traffic. He felt that I should want to make him feel comfortable and be ok with how he treated me after he fucked me and rolled out. Here’s a news flash, I have always been a fairly open person and allowed random guys that are practically strangers stick their dicks in me…those days are OVER. I have my guards up and if I don’t want you in my personal space, you won’t be in it. If I don’t want to acknowledge you, I won’t…Even if I have to leave a public place.

In this anger stage, I’m repulsed by men in a non-lesbian way. In the past I would make tons of excuses for the guys in and out of my life. I was so eager to get a guys attention, even if it was negative. Those days are far behind me and the blinders have been lifted. I see the men in my past for who they really are, not what I wish them to be. I actually saw that guy Mike in the Irish bar today (the one who stood me up) he saw me and scurried to the other side of the bar. In my eyes he’s a coward.

I’m not sure when the bargaining stage will hit, but I assume it will happen after I make some sort of promise to God. Maybe I will go to church all the time, or wait to have sex with the man of my dreams until marriage, I’m definitely not there yet. The depression is sure to set in around the holidays since I HATE being alone, but just when I feel that I will end up all alone with six cats and fifty pounds over weight…I will find acceptance.

Here’s to 241 Days, Veronica Graham- To all my exes…you should have kept me when I was too stupid to realize I deserve better-

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