Day 128-130: “3 Days of Madness”

On the day after the hurricane I worked at the Irish bar all day, and got my ass handed to me. Being a server may be one of the most mindless jobs out there, yet this particular profession has a way of bringing you to your knees at the end of a long shift. I can’t explain at what point my stomach turned upside down at the sight of having to wait on the guests, but it did. It’s not out of character for me to binge drink, and I was long over due. At the end of my shift I decided to “go sailing with Captain Morgan“. When we set sail together it usually ends in disaster. The next day was pure hell, and I spent the majority of my morning worshiping the porcelain goddess.

In the midst of my binger, before the night was over I had a meltdown about my past and confessed to one of my co-workers Jimmy that I used to be a crack head (apparently I haven’t forgiven myself for it). This meltdown happened after a few of us went back to his house to crash. I was in NO condition to drive and I’m glad I gave him my keys. Jimmy is a sweet guy and we have our own special way of communicating with each other in code when we work together. We created a language inspired by the 1966 version of Batman’s character “The Penguin” and his famous quack. Jimmy is by far, my favorite American coworker. Usually when we get started with our “Penguin” talk everyone else raises and eyebrow and says that we’re weird. This just encourages us to continue.

Jimmy and I talk a lot at work…he pointed out to me during a conversation we were having yesterday that I was entirely self absorbed, but have moments when I’m actually pleasant to be around. He told me that I have a way of always bringing ANY conversation about ANYTHING back to me. For example, we could be talking about dogs (he has a dog walking business on the side), and I will rudely interrupt him to bring up a story about a dog I used to have. Jimmy is not the only person I act like this around, Kimmie and Whitney have experienced it too. I find it hard to believe that I’m like this all the time (go figure), but maybe I am. Maybe I am self absorbed or maybe I’m over compensating for something that I’m missing in my life. Either way this “character defect” is tearing me apart on the inside and hurting my friendships. I notice when I do it now, and I’m having a hard time not being like this. Believe me, I HATE this selfish streak in me.

Well, I’ve admitted to my self absorbed ways so I feel comfortable talking more about me. A day in life of Veronica Graham starts like this…

For as long as I can remember, I wake up to my Stepmom…ahem Step Monster slamming the attic door (including today). FYI-monsters usually hide in the attic, under beds or in closets. The attic is her favorite place to go in and out of throughout the day, before work and after work. I assume she has all of her monster paraphernalia in it, granted why she spends most of her free time in it. Also, one of her closets is right outside my door. She goes in and out of it and likes to reorganize it. Sometimes she looks to find something to wear because the custom made closet in the master bedroom isn’t large enough for her. Just to give you an idea of what this layout looks looks like…when you walk out of my bedroom door her closet is to my right and the entrance to the attic is in front of me.

My dad’s office is to the left of my bedroom and anyone who knows him, knows he talks very loudly (its where I picked it up). He is always on conference calls in the morning becasue he likes to work out of his office. My dad’s office is also his music room, so when he’s practicing a new song on the guitar …guess who gets to hear him practice until it’s perfect…that’s right folks ME because it’s all about ME. I’ve already stated that our walls are paper thin in a previous entry, but what I haven’t mentioned is that our house has 4 floors. The 4th floor is where I reside and where ALL the action is. In a house that big, why is the all the action centered around my room?

My Step Monster bitches at me for spending all my time at home in my room, but I need time to recharge. I work with people all the TIME! I need time to be alone and in silence when I’m at home. It truly is a disruptive living environment and thats why I spend little to no time at home or hiding in my bedroom. To make matters worse I’m still not allowed to have a lock on my bedroom door. When I was in high school I got in trouble for slamming the door in my dad’s face ALL the time, so he took away my doorknob until he felt I deserved it back. When I got my new doorknob is was nicely wrapped under the Christmas tree one year. My new doorknob came without a lock on it. It was a family joke, but I didn’t find it funny at all. I was a teenager when it happened, but what teenager on God’s green earth doesn’t secretly hate their parents? At any giving point when I’m in my room either of them can just walk right in, and they do. They justify it by knocking first and then walking in, or yelling through the door that they are about to walk in, or better yet when I say I’m busy they will stand outside my door and talk to my door hoping I’m listening. I know what your thinking…if it’s that bad then MOVE OUT because it’s their house too!

I can’t leave yet because for the FIRST time in my life I have money in my savings, and when I do leave I want to do it the right way. I don’t want to set myself up for failure this time (like when I ran away to California). I would rather get a root canal done then ever move back in for ANY reason once I’m gone. I live in a constant state of paranoia and limited privacy. I just recently got my act together, and I know I’m much to old to be living at home. It’s an unhealthy environment for me, and I’m very unhappy living in Pleasantville. The friends that I hold dear to me feel the wrath of my frustration on a daily basis. It’s wearing my spirit down because I know somewhere deep within me is an easy going person who knows how to be a friend. I just hope that its not too late once I do move out at the end of the year.

Here’s to Days 238-236, Veronica Graham, The good friend within me is currently dormant, but it exists-

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