Day 131: “Stop being a Victim”

I woke up feeling sick to my stomach…I have leaned on other people my whole life to make me feel better. I’ve cried out to my family for money when I was in trouble or needed a quick bail out, and have been a project friend for most of my life. I’ve spent the majority of my life in crisis mode, and always asking friends for advice. When it came to guys I always searched for validation through sex…thats how I became such a well known slut. I wanted to feel sexy, I wanted to feel loved, appreciated, and above all I depended on a guy to make me happy. That obviously didn’t work! When it comes to my friendships I have leaned on the women in my life to make me feel better about me. I want to change my ways, but it shouldn’t be for someone else.

Lately, I haven’t been able to grasp how easy it is for people in my life to take a mirror, and shove it in my face to point out my flaws. Then I realized that it’s because of how many times I have cried wolf to them to help me get past another rainy day. I went to the Irish bar late last night because I got into an argument with a variety of different people yesterday, stuffing my face with fried food while drinking a snakebite was the answer to it all.  On my way out of the Irish bar I saw “The Jockey” (he is REALLY short). He is 5 years younger than me and still just as cute as ever. However, when he dumped me he made sure to tell me that it was for a younger girl with a smaller nose and less acne (yes, he said this). I couldn’t bare another interaction with a blast from the past so I high tailed it out of there. Respectfully,when we were seeing eachother he thought I was a great in bed. He was pretty feisty in the sac for a short fella from what I remember…I’m such a slut!

I truly believe that I have made myself MUCH to vulnerable around family, friends and even strangers. I have attracted “constructive” criticism whether or not I have asked for it because I play the victim card. I’ve felt like a science experiment almost my whole life. I’ve had friends in and out of my life since I hopped around from school to school all the time. I’ve been in and out of self help groups, psychologist and psychiatrist offices. Anyone who gives me an idea or a suggestion, I take it and impliment into my life. I can’t spend my life in this constant “victim mode” and ask for other peoples help because I can’t deal with my life, and better yet get mad when others give me advice. I’ve been so desperate to be accepted by people in general that when someone is upset with me I’m quick to say “I’m sorry for the way I am”  because I don’t want them to leave me, and I’m a “victim“.

The day I decided to put all of my shit out in the open came with a price, it started in high school when I leaned on all my friends to save me from whatever it was that day, and now it’s with the blog. I tell everyone everything about me, almost too much. It’s my biggest attribute, and my biggest flaw. I will do what you say or act how you want me too because I want to be liked by everyone. I can’t continue bending to the egos of the people that come in and out of my life anymore, just because I’m afraid of what they will think if I stick up for what I believe to be right or wrong (whatever that is).I don’t need to see eye to eye with everyone, but I do need to learn how to respect other people’s views. If I were more sure of who I am maybe I won’t get so defensive when I’m in a conversation with someone, and be willing to listen to them rather than attacking them. I need to take time to develop my own standards and morals instead of leaning on family and friends to give me all the answers. It’s obvious that I NEVER had any morals or standards….SOoooo I need to develop some.

I need to use the brain that God gave me and figure it out on my own, or google it. I need to incorporate changes whether small or big in my weak areas because I want to. If I don’t change for me than I will be a fake, a two faced bitch, a people pleaser, a chameleon, a “yes” man, or whatever else people call people who put on a show when the curtain goes up.

Here’s to 235 Days, Veronica Graham- Being a victim is exhausting, I’d rather be a shot caller-

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