Archive for September, 2011

Day 150-160: “11 Days and 11 BIG, BIG Lies”

Posted in Uncategorized on September 30, 2011 by Veronica Graham

“The Pathological Liar”  He takes the cake and he was worse than RMM. I think that if there was a chance to be in a relationshit with him it would have been worse than Iago. He stopped at nothing to convince me that he was worthy of my heart.  This whatever-you-call-it-relationshit-two-week-love-affair officially ended yesterday on the 28th of September over a text conversation.  Sure, there were some red flags….  First off:

1. This guy is 27, a little young.

2. He was a descendent Alexander the great

3. Smoked a blunt with Snoop Dog in his house- Snoop Dog’s house, not his… he lives out of his car.

4. Was the nephew of the Xerox inventor, you know, Chester Carlson who invented xerox in 1937 and died in 1968.

5. He was a psychic and was going to get in trouble with the spirit world for telling me my future

6. He once was a famous musician who worked really hard to get his name off of the internet ENTIRELY

7. He hung out with Kayne West and Akon

8. He worked at Stanford University

9. He started and sold a prominent clothing line based in CA

10. He went to some a foreign international school based in Texas that doesn’t exist

11. He is a cyclist and rode with Lance Armstrong

As prominent as this guy was, I bought every meal we shared together and 16 pairs of socks for him.  He was living out of his car and moving to New York to become a millionaire.  HE WAS SUCH A LOSER.  He was a dildo…. and I fucked myself.  Yes, I believed all of this.  ALL OF IT.  I still have mascara stains on my pillow for the heartbreak I feel from our breakup.

Obviously, all of these things were complete lies and somehow, it took me until after I was away from him for a few days to realize this.  On Friday, I left him (after buying 16 pairs of socks… and cologne for him) and didn’t hear him for days… I slowly started to question some things he told me, like… how could a 27 year old be the nephew of the Xerox inventor who invented Xerox in 1937.  HOW did he get his “super famous name” off the internet?  How easy it was for Pathological Liar to lie to me is as easy as it is to lie to myself… We had a connection that even fire responds to- I know this because of a camping trip I took with him.

The camping trip proved to me that he was the one for me and everything he was telling me MUST be true.  The stars aligned and we went camping together, dancing naked, drinking wine, having SEX in a tent, next to a huge fire (that I had to make… because he didn’t know how…  I guess the being the descendent of Alexander the Great doesn’t mean you went to boy scouts)  We were like one souls, animals- licking each other- yes, we did… and it was hot.  BUT…. I went back home to DC away from the woods and woke from my dream.

I didn’t question his lies and just like all guys who finally get a piece of ass from some girl he barely knows… he didn’t call the next day… or the next few days.  He finally sends a text message asking when I would invite him over.  I had been crying for days for being such an idiot.  I wanted to tell him, “COME OVER!  I’ll make you dinner, feed you lots of expensive wine, hear your stories…” but for once, I had enough pride in me and thanks to the support of a few good friends and kismet strangers (Thanks Gerard Butler, Mr. Red Tie, and the Daring Duo) to tell him ,”No, I will not be inviting you over.”  I also explained that he did not call me and I was not that type of girl… at least I was deciding not to be at that moment.. And God willing, from now on.

I KNOW how full of shit this sounds.  I get it.  First the vow, then Mr. Nice, and now this Pathological Liar.  I get it.  I suck at keeping promises to myself.  But I’ve been avoiding writing this entry because I didn’t want to admit this.  It hurts to get nasty comments about how much I suck and honestly, they’re not saying anything I’m not already thinking.  I haven’t been able to get past Pathological Liar in the last few days and I hope with the continued support of the few good friends I have, I can actually keep my legs shut.  I got too comfortable and way too arrogant with my vow, was proven wrong, and trust me, I’m paying for it.  More than I can express on my laptop.  NO, NO, I don’t have an STD or with child (at least it was SAFE sex!) but I’m hurting pretty bad right now.

I recognize that if I can fall for THIS LOSER, damn… I need to figure out what the hell is going on with me to make my wires cross to slut every time.  I NEED to take the time to get to know myself before getting to know a man… and yes, this is easier said than done (especially for me) so I hope that the good people in my life can continue to be there for me and help me make it through this.

Here’s to what could have been to 216-206 Days, Veronica Graham- THIS is why people Google after a first date, really?! Xerox? 1937?! Come on!

Day 143-149: “7 Days of Reflection”

Posted in Uncategorized on September 19, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I had a great week! I spent a lot of time at the library, working, and coming to terms with what it means to let go and be present, versus living in the past or worrying about the future. When I started this blog the first thing I promised was to not have sex, and I successfully remained abstinent for 134 days until I met the all too sexy Mr. Nice. I’ve had lapses in my writing due to personal issues that I’ve had with my writing, and promised to always post an entry of at least 100 words to keep people connected to me (I haven’t kept that promise either). I’m not going to keep setting myself up with promises that I’m unable to keep, followed by a terrible meltdown. It’s exhausting and I’m starting to annoy myself.

I’ve threatened at least two or three times since I’ve started writing to stop writing because I’ve hit a rough patch or had a bad hair day. I may be a drama queen, but I’m better off now than I’ve ever been in my life. Yeah, I had sex with Mr. Nice, but at least he was single. I used to be the girl that would date drug dealers and drug addicts to sustain my habits. I used to be the girl that would sleep with married men because I felt like it. I used to be the girl that would steal people’s boyfriends because I thought it was fun, or even worse my friend’s boyfriends. As for today, I’m not that girl anymore and it’s because of the writing. This blog has been the best therapy in my life, and Kimmie agrees.

Life isn’t black or white, and by creating restrictions on what I should or shouldn’t do is only making it difficult for me to bounce back after I break whatever crazy new rule I’ve come up with. I’m learning that life is about balancing emotions and logic. If I choose to have sex with someone, that’s my choice and if I never hear from the guy again that’s my cross to bear. I’m not going to fuck every SINGLE man I meet because I slept with Mr. Nice because that was the old Veronica. The new and improved Veronica is going to be choosy about whom she dates and sleeps with.

I’m also starting to avoid (I’m not making any promises) dating guys with children because I’ve realized that I have a personal issue with it. Every time I’ve had sex or dated a guy in the past with children I’ve always felt that they should be with their kids versus hanging out with me. I assume it’s because I felt alone and pushed aside growing up. I felt that my parents were more concerned with finding someone else to be with then looking out for my best interest after they divorced.

It was always a little difficult for me to hear Mother Graham bitch about how much of an asshole my dad was when I was growing up, and then send me to his house for the weekend. It fucked with my head big time! Just a reminder of how off the wall she can be at times… She isn’t speaking to me this month, because she thinks I’m Satan’s spawn since I’ve refused to join a church. The same goes for my dad, any chance he gets to take a stab at MG…he does.  All they do is talk shit about the other when I’m alone with them. Whenever I talk to either of them its as if they just signed the divorce papers. They have been divorced for over a decade and counting. I feel sorry for them because they haven’t been able to forgive one another. I’ve been in the middle of their war for as long as I can remember, and I’m done listening to it or caring for that matter. It sucks to have parents who are divorced that can’t stand each other. I don’t particularly care if they hate each other or not, what concerns me is their blatant disrespect for one another and how they have no problem sharing it with me. It’s not cool to bash the woman that brought me into this world at any given opportunity when it comes to my dad, and when it comes to my mom its definitely not cool to talk shit about the man that supports me.

I’ve also read a lot of what it means to have Borderline Personality and how to cope with it. The worst part of it is when I have outbursts of anger. It sucks to have a violent temper when the last thing I want is to be isolated from the people I love. I recognize when I do it now, and when it happens its pretty embarrassing. I’ve also been able to spend more time alone than I used too. I find myself reading more, and being open to being still in my own skin. I used to hate myself. I wanted nothing more than to silence my brain from negative self-talk by doing a line of coke or drinking myself into an alcoholic frenzy. Now, when I start to think negatively I can talk myself out of it by writing, praying, watching a movie, taking a walk or just counting to ten. I still have my bingers when it comes to drinking, but its not as bad as it used to be. I’m going to keep writing, but at my pace. April will be here soon enough and hopefully I will have gotten past my past and be the person I’ve only hoped to be.

Here’s to what could have been 223-217 Days, Veronica Graham, Life is too short to live in the past-

Day 142: “Remembering 9/11”

Posted in Uncategorized on September 13, 2011 by Veronica Graham

There I was just as lost as ever staring at a math exam inside a classroom at Northern Virginia Community College. I was sitting near the front of the classroom because I heard that students who sit closer to the teacher are less distracted and may be able to learn a thing or two. This wasn’t the case for me….I was staring at the math exam in front of me and I didn’t have a clue. I still have a hard time adding and subtracting integers in my head. My Dad even sent me to Sylvan Learning Center and hired a professional math tutor while I was in high school to help me learn and I still didn’t do well. It required studying and I wasn’t about to pick up that nasty habit.

The professor had just finished handing out the remainder of the exams and some students in the back were still putting their books and laptops away, one of my classmates in the back was still online and started to freak out about what he was seeing and reading. I didn’t think much of it until another student got online and confirmed that the Twin Towers and the Pentagon had been hit by airplanes, and it appeared to be a terrorist attack. Our professor dismissed class and I was happy that I didn’t have to take the exam. I was hesitant to believe that there had been an terrorist attack, but when I saw the fear in peoples eyes leaving campus that day, I knew that something terrible happened.

I left the campus and tried to call my Dad, and Thomas (we were still together) and I couldn’t get a hold of either of them. At the time, I was living with roommates in a town house near campus and Thomas was at VA Tech for the semester.  The phone lines weren’t working and I started to panic and worry about my brother. He was in middle school near Pleasantville and I wanted him out of that school and safe in his home. I drove like a bat outta hell to his school and practically forced the school to release him to me. Of course, I had to unleash my inner Hulk before he was released to me, but he was in my car on his way home within minutes upon my arrival.

We watched the news and later found out that our father was in the Pentagon for a meeting at the time of the attacks. Naturally, we freaked out and were relieved when we finally got in touch with him. He confirmed that he was safe and sound at the Country Club (which is walking distance from the Pentagon) it was chaotic at the Pentagon and he was told to leave the building immediately by a higher ranking officer. As a retired Naval officer, he got the hint and left. My family got lucky, and my heart goes out to the men and women who weren’t so lucky, and to those who lost loved ones.

Here’s to what could have been 224 Days, Veronica Graham, It was a frightful event that took place that day, and my prayers go out to the victims and their families.

Day 140-141: “2 Weddings and a Mohawk”

Posted in Uncategorized on September 13, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I spent my Friday preparing for two weddings that I had lined up on Saturday, and I was scurrying all around town to get last minute necessities. As a makeup artist you never know what someone is going to need….SOooo I bring everything I can think of. I got fresh flowers for the first wedding as a hairstyle option and picked up last minute items such as bobbi pins, hairspray, false lashes and cotton balls. My first wedding was at the Marriott Wardman Park in DC and the other was at the W. My morning started at 4:30am and by the time I got home I was physically and mentally exhausted. Being a makeup artist and creating interesting up do’s fulfill my creative itch, and I can’t stress enough how much I love it! A rush surges over my brain every time I get to do hair or makeup.

I was excited that one of the women wanted a trendy-yet-conservative-mohawk….it was my first time creating this look but I did the best I could and she rocked it in a long empire dress! I also got to do a glamour look with jewels in one of the up do’s, and bust out my favorite hairstyle “Flower Bun.”  In this profession I’m noticing what role I need to take on to be successful, and that role is a caretaker with a magicians attitude. In case you haven’t heard, I have magical brushes that enhance the natural beauty of individuals, and a tide stick in my pocket that I’m not afraid to use.

As the years have past I’ve noticed that the people I have worked with feel safe in my chair, and that makes me feel special and appreciated. I’ve heard it all, and give free advice to those willing to listen. I’m not sure how reliable my advice is, but I’m diplomatic in my approach. I even had a client insist that I stay for dinner after a bridal trial once, it was the best damn eggplant parmesan I’ve ever had. I’m slowly but surely learning what is means to be a freelance makeup artist, and I want to share what I have learned this year:

Helpful Hints for Freelance Artists:

1. Always send an invoice or make a hand written receipt for services rendered, ALWAYS…

2. When it comes to doing business with friends and it’s time to pay, instead of saying “I trust you” get it to me when you can…hand them the bill after applying a discount to it. Don’t feel guilty about charging, it’s just business.

3. When your being screwed over…there is no need to curse and act a fool, just keep a mental note to never do business with them again.

4. Always maintain control of your emotions.

Here’s to what could have been 226-225 Days, Veronica Graham, P.S. If you ever stay at the Marriott Wardman Park, the main lobby is on the 8th floor…thats all I’m saying.

Day 139: “Me and The Weasel”

Posted in Uncategorized on September 9, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I’m a little sick of the all the rain were having, and drinking didn’t seem appealing after I got off my shift at the Irish bar. I decided to go home to watch Bio-Dome, eat hummus with pita bread, and think about how much of an idiot I was for sleeping with Mr. Nice. When I was growing up Pauly Shore was one of my favorite actors, and I love to watch his films when I’m feeling depressed (thanks a lot RAIN) and reminiscent of my childhood. Mother Graham was pretty strict about not letting my sister and I do anything that didn’t involve Jesus. However, she had a soft spot for Richard Gere, Mike Myers and of course my favorite…Pauly Shore.

We had a VCR (it was a big deal once upon a time), but we had limited movies. I specifically remember owning Wayne’s World, Son-in-Law, Pretty Woman and Aladdin. My sister and I would watch them over and over and over and over again. I remember the Christmas when MG managed to save up enough money to buy my sister and I matching Aladdin blankets, the Aladdin video game for Super Nintendo, and of course bought me the Aladdin doll because I was the oldest. This might explain why I thought it was cool to be a slut in Cali, why my humor is weird yet contagious, and why I have a fetish for Arab men. Then again, maybe not.

In the film Bio-Dome Bud (Pauly Shore) and Doyle (Stephen Baldwin) accidently end up trapped in the Bio-Dome for a year as part of a science experiment that they weren’t supposed to be a part of. In the midst of their adventure Bud and Doyle almost ruin the dome because they failed to see the importance of the project. However, once they see how important it is to save what they almost destroyed they end up hero’s at the end of the film and get their girlfriends back.

I’m aware that I could have derailed and fallen into Slut-land once more after sleeping with Mr. Nice, and most of all I see the steps that led up to the sextastic time I had. My life isn’t a movie, but what I got form watching this flick was that once you fully understand what you’re committed to, the end results can be magical. I will never be a goody two shoes kinda girl or join a convent, but if I stick to what I set out to do for the remainder of the 365 days…I can evolve into a better version of me.

Here’s to what could have been 227 Days, Veronica Graham, Last I heard…My Aladdin blanket still exists and is being held hostage by MG-

Day 138: “I got dissed by Bret Michaels”

Posted in Uncategorized on September 8, 2011 by Veronica Graham

Today was an exciting day! I heard from Mr. Nice and the Actor Hunk within the same hour, and both potential relationships ended when I proposed to them that they contact me after I finish the remainder of my vow in April. Mr. Nice texted me after I suggested we reconnect in the Spring with a friendly “It was nice meeting you, kisses” and the Actor Hunk texted “Wish you well“. Neither of them hinted towards any inclination that they would wait until the Spring to get to know me. I was a little upset, but then I remembered that I had a ticket to see Bret Michaels perform at the Birchmere.

I’ve never been a concert goer and it was obvious when I walked into the venue in the most conservative outfit I own and a tote bag with books to read in case I got bored. I stuck out like a sore thumb, and the other Bret Michaels fan’s could tell. I picked up my ticket from the box office and got to pick a seat directly in front of the stage. The opening gig played and I watched other people just sit back drinking their beer and listening to the music. I thought the whole night was going to be an intimate low key setting…I was WRONG. As soon as the opening band left and Bret got on the stage… it got CRAZY!

As soon as the lights went down, everyone in their seats stood up and rushed to the front of the stage, my beer got knocked over and landed on my camera (sorry I don’t have any cool photos), and the lady behind me told me to get out of her way. I was standing their speechless and entirely clueless. I looked around to see what other girls were doing and I tried to fit in by waving my hands in the air, but the expression on my face looked like I had just taken a shit in my pants. My beer was everywhere and I was hunched under my table trying to wipe all the beer off of my stuff.

I’ve never been that close to famous rock band in my life! Bret played all the classics that any TRUE fan would know, and it was obvious I didn’t know any lyrics to ANY songs except for “Every Rose has it’s Thorn” and when he covered Sublime’s “What I got”. I was totally out of my element and tried to keep a smile on my face the whole time so that the band could see that eventhough I was the worst person to have in the front I enjoyed watching these amazing musicians perform. I couldn’t even sit down in my seat because people were crowding all around so I stood there like an idiot and gave the band my famous “Creeper” stare, at one point I found myself reading the tattoos on the arm of one of the band members and making mental notes on how much I enjoyed all the guys hairstyles and makeup.

It gets better…toward the end of the set people in the crowd where putting their hands in the air in high hopes that Bret would touch them. He started at one end of the stage and when he got to where I was, I stood there with my hand waving at him like a moron. The girls to my right and left both put out their hands and he graciously touched them. I stood there waving like the true outcast of the bunch and watched as he avoided my hand by pulling back to reach around me. The girl to my right looked at me and felt bad so she suggested I try to put my hand out again. I didn’t.

The Birchmere is a small venue, but it’s a famous one and a lot of amazing musicians have performed there. The coolest part of the night was when I bought a pre-signed photo of Bret and got to meet the drummer after he got off stage. I complimented him on how well he did, and told him to keep up the good work (yeah, I said keep up the good work to Bret Michaels drummer). All in all, I had a nice time and next time I go to a concert I’m going to google what to wear, and how to wave my hands in the air in a cool way. First and foremost, I will only sit in the front row if I’m a DIE HARD fan of a particular band or solo artist.

Here’s to what could have been 228 Days, Veronica Graham, Sorry Bret…I’m the epitome of a fair weather fan!

Day 137: “Temptation is Inevitable”

Posted in Uncategorized on September 7, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I’ve read the comments and personal messages that I’ve received, and I appreciate them. I couldn’t help but wonder ALL day if now that I admitted to having sex with Mr. Nice that the readers, along with everyone else in my life think that I’m going to sleep around again. I’m not. I’ve felt numb all day and gone in and out of bizarre ass crying spells. I feel tainted, cheap, lost, and a little suicidal. When I read yesterday’s entry this morning, I didn’t expect to regret saying that my vow was over but I did. I did let the readers down and in my moment of weakness I willingly gave into having sex with a stranger. I robbed myself of my “Ho Recovery”. I love to sabotage myself (in case you haven’t noticed)! I have been self destructive for so long that it didn’t feel normal to be on the right track. It didn’t feel normal to RESPECT myself. I ran back to the thing that I felt most comfortable with, and that was being in the arms of a sexy stranger.

I owe it to myself to try to complete the remainder of the vow, and say goodbye to Mr. Nice (for now). I realize that I slept with Mr. Nice because I wanted to be with someone who doesn’t know my past, or me for that matter. I haven’t changed at all, I’ve just been waiting for the ball to drop. I’ve heard in AA that sometimes relapse can be a part of some peoples recovery, if that’s true then maybe this is a “Ho’s” type of relapse. When I set out to do this I had no idea if it would work, and from the looks of it….it hasn’t.

I’m trying to stop being a slut by refraining from sex, and Mr. Nice knew that. I didn’t keep him the dark about what I was trying to do, and it’s not his fault. It was the first time I was alone with him. He probably thought I was full of shit since I willingly went to his house after the birthday party, and slept with his sexy ass. The packaging of Mr. Nice was all that and more in what I believe to be a catch.

That being said, I’m going to jump back on the NO DICK wagon, and try even harder to stay away from the tempting ways of sexy men instead of being a quitter. The joke is on me. When I looked back at older entries, I was already well on my way to the arms of another man. Let’s reflect for a second… I met up with Latino Hot Lips in the middle of the night twice and kissed him, I kissed a stranger in Ocean City, I kissed the Actor Hunk, and I had a sleepover with my Work Crush. I have been slowly but surely working my way towards having sex again, duh! I haven’t taken this vow seriously in the least. I’m still a slut, I’m still resistant to change, I’m still obsessed with the idea of “The One” and I’m still a shitty Christian. The only thing I have going for me is that I’m willing to admit it.

DICK is my temptation, and I can’t pretend that it’s not by going out with guys all the time. I’ve mastered the art of manipulating myself to believe that I’m strong enough to say NO. I’m not, I’m even further from where I started on Day 1 at this point, and it’s crystal clear that my temptations are going to become more severe, and probably with hotter guys. Mr. Nice was a huge temptation for me and I willingly tripped and fell on his DICK because he’s a hot Arab DAMMIT! Now, I’m choosing to get back on the NO DICK wagon and leave Mr. Nice alone. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m going to keep trying to change my old ways.

P.S. Just in case you were wondering…..the majority ruled in favor of Veronica continuing on her path to “Ho Recovery”

Here’s to what could have been 229 days, Veronica Graham, My mind is still stuck in Dick-land.