Day 137: “Temptation is Inevitable”

I’ve read the comments and personal messages that I’ve received, and I appreciate them. I couldn’t help but wonder ALL day if now that I admitted to having sex with Mr. Nice that the readers, along with everyone else in my life think that I’m going to sleep around again. I’m not. I’ve felt numb all day and gone in and out of bizarre ass crying spells. I feel tainted, cheap, lost, and a little suicidal. When I read yesterday’s entry this morning, I didn’t expect to regret saying that my vow was over but I did. I did let the readers down and in my moment of weakness I willingly gave into having sex with a stranger. I robbed myself of my “Ho Recovery”. I love to sabotage myself (in case you haven’t noticed)! I have been self destructive for so long that it didn’t feel normal to be on the right track. It didn’t feel normal to RESPECT myself. I ran back to the thing that I felt most comfortable with, and that was being in the arms of a sexy stranger.

I owe it to myself to try to complete the remainder of the vow, and say goodbye to Mr. Nice (for now). I realize that I slept with Mr. Nice because I wanted to be with someone who doesn’t know my past, or me for that matter. I haven’t changed at all, I’ve just been waiting for the ball to drop. I’ve heard in AA that sometimes relapse can be a part of some peoples recovery, if that’s true then maybe this is a “Ho’s” type of relapse. When I set out to do this I had no idea if it would work, and from the looks of it….it hasn’t.

I’m trying to stop being a slut by refraining from sex, and Mr. Nice knew that. I didn’t keep him the dark about what I was trying to do, and it’s not his fault. It was the first time I was alone with him. He probably thought I was full of shit since I willingly went to his house after the birthday party, and slept with his sexy ass. The packaging of Mr. Nice was all that and more in what I believe to be a catch.

That being said, I’m going to jump back on the NO DICK wagon, and try even harder to stay away from the tempting ways of sexy men instead of being a quitter. The joke is on me. When I looked back at older entries, I was already well on my way to the arms of another man. Let’s reflect for a second… I met up with Latino Hot Lips in the middle of the night twice and kissed him, I kissed a stranger in Ocean City, I kissed the Actor Hunk, and I had a sleepover with my Work Crush. I have been slowly but surely working my way towards having sex again, duh! I haven’t taken this vow seriously in the least. I’m still a slut, I’m still resistant to change, I’m still obsessed with the idea of “The One” and I’m still a shitty Christian. The only thing I have going for me is that I’m willing to admit it.

DICK is my temptation, and I can’t pretend that it’s not by going out with guys all the time. I’ve mastered the art of manipulating myself to believe that I’m strong enough to say NO. I’m not, I’m even further from where I started on Day 1 at this point, and it’s crystal clear that my temptations are going to become more severe, and probably with hotter guys. Mr. Nice was a huge temptation for me and I willingly tripped and fell on his DICK because he’s a hot Arab DAMMIT! Now, I’m choosing to get back on the NO DICK wagon and leave Mr. Nice alone. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m going to keep trying to change my old ways.

P.S. Just in case you were wondering…..the majority ruled in favor of Veronica continuing on her path to “Ho Recovery”

Here’s to what could have been 229 days, Veronica Graham, My mind is still stuck in Dick-land.

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