Day 143-149: “7 Days of Reflection”

I had a great week! I spent a lot of time at the library, working, and coming to terms with what it means to let go and be present, versus living in the past or worrying about the future. When I started this blog the first thing I promised was to not have sex, and I successfully remained abstinent for 134 days until I met the all too sexy Mr. Nice. I’ve had lapses in my writing due to personal issues that I’ve had with my writing, and promised to always post an entry of at least 100 words to keep people connected to me (I haven’t kept that promise either). I’m not going to keep setting myself up with promises that I’m unable to keep, followed by a terrible meltdown. It’s exhausting and I’m starting to annoy myself.

I’ve threatened at least two or three times since I’ve started writing to stop writing because I’ve hit a rough patch or had a bad hair day. I may be a drama queen, but I’m better off now than I’ve ever been in my life. Yeah, I had sex with Mr. Nice, but at least he was single. I used to be the girl that would date drug dealers and drug addicts to sustain my habits. I used to be the girl that would sleep with married men because I felt like it. I used to be the girl that would steal people’s boyfriends because I thought it was fun, or even worse my friend’s boyfriends. As for today, I’m not that girl anymore and it’s because of the writing. This blog has been the best therapy in my life, and Kimmie agrees.

Life isn’t black or white, and by creating restrictions on what I should or shouldn’t do is only making it difficult for me to bounce back after I break whatever crazy new rule I’ve come up with. I’m learning that life is about balancing emotions and logic. If I choose to have sex with someone, that’s my choice and if I never hear from the guy again that’s my cross to bear. I’m not going to fuck every SINGLE man I meet because I slept with Mr. Nice because that was the old Veronica. The new and improved Veronica is going to be choosy about whom she dates and sleeps with.

I’m also starting to avoid (I’m not making any promises) dating guys with children because I’ve realized that I have a personal issue with it. Every time I’ve had sex or dated a guy in the past with children I’ve always felt that they should be with their kids versus hanging out with me. I assume it’s because I felt alone and pushed aside growing up. I felt that my parents were more concerned with finding someone else to be with then looking out for my best interest after they divorced.

It was always a little difficult for me to hear Mother Graham bitch about how much of an asshole my dad was when I was growing up, and then send me to his house for the weekend. It fucked with my head big time! Just a reminder of how off the wall she can be at times… She isn’t speaking to me this month, because she thinks I’m Satan’s spawn since I’ve refused to join a church. The same goes for my dad, any chance he gets to take a stab at MG…he does.  All they do is talk shit about the other when I’m alone with them. Whenever I talk to either of them its as if they just signed the divorce papers. They have been divorced for over a decade and counting. I feel sorry for them because they haven’t been able to forgive one another. I’ve been in the middle of their war for as long as I can remember, and I’m done listening to it or caring for that matter. It sucks to have parents who are divorced that can’t stand each other. I don’t particularly care if they hate each other or not, what concerns me is their blatant disrespect for one another and how they have no problem sharing it with me. It’s not cool to bash the woman that brought me into this world at any given opportunity when it comes to my dad, and when it comes to my mom its definitely not cool to talk shit about the man that supports me.

I’ve also read a lot of what it means to have Borderline Personality and how to cope with it. The worst part of it is when I have outbursts of anger. It sucks to have a violent temper when the last thing I want is to be isolated from the people I love. I recognize when I do it now, and when it happens its pretty embarrassing. I’ve also been able to spend more time alone than I used too. I find myself reading more, and being open to being still in my own skin. I used to hate myself. I wanted nothing more than to silence my brain from negative self-talk by doing a line of coke or drinking myself into an alcoholic frenzy. Now, when I start to think negatively I can talk myself out of it by writing, praying, watching a movie, taking a walk or just counting to ten. I still have my bingers when it comes to drinking, but its not as bad as it used to be. I’m going to keep writing, but at my pace. April will be here soon enough and hopefully I will have gotten past my past and be the person I’ve only hoped to be.

Here’s to what could have been 223-217 Days, Veronica Graham, Life is too short to live in the past-

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