Day 167: “How to Turn a Child into a Future Ho”

I’ve come to the point in my life that I’m not sure which way to go and every choice I have made has lead me closer or further from my goal to be happy. I’m at an age where I know right from wrong and act accordingly with no one telling me exactly what it is I should be doing. I’m not alone in my journey and I’m grateful for that. I go to familiar faces time and time again looking for guidance, and thats what friends are for. I have gained a suitable amount of knowledge throughout my life and my career as a makeup artist, but am still learning. I feel some what comfortable in standing on my own two feet with confidence, and morals that I can live with.

On the other hand (my borderline side), what do you do when you don’t know what it is exactly that you are doing?! How do you balance yourself within and and make it through another day? How are you supposed to look in the mirror every morning regretting ever decision you have ever made? What is it that you could possibly do now that you haven’t already tried to do in the past and get different results? How do you decipher between what is reality and what is fantasy? If you set out to find the answers and look back to see that you have yet to find them…where do you go? If it just isn’t cutting it any more and escaping one last time starts building thoughts of remorse, how do you maintain stability? If you’re stuck and you can’t see a way out…what’s next?! If life were to be measured by actions…how many would it take to find happiness? The answer is… WHATEVER is takes to find YOUR inner peace.

In my research a couple weeks back, I came across a book called Understanding Child Sexual Abuse, by Rowan, Edward L. As soon as I opened the book all of the dots started to connect for me for the first time in my life as to what the FUCK is wrong with me. According to what I read in the case of children that are targeted for abuse; “the child is considered special but paradoxically, as someone who would never be believed if the parents were told.”  This diamond in the rough book also touched on the subject of the Autonomic Nervous System. “The emotional memory system is housed in the amygdala and operates independently of the cortical control. The system operates in a rapid response mode and this hyper vigilance may produce sustained fear- the responses become automatic and beyond conscious control. Basically it is a denial of reality… passivity, detachment and numbness may extend to a complete denial of reality in some cases. The overall effects may be so powerful and painful that the survivor becomes overwhelmed and cannot deal with them, and could result in having basic trust shattered, and according to Debra Kalmuss, intimacy and sexuality are often spilt.”

It goes on to talk about how often survivors lose faith in what is supposed to be the natural order of things. Victims may not be able to express themselves verbally and tend to demonstrate disorganized or agitated behavior, as well as highly sexualized play and inappropriate sexual knowledge or sexually aggressive behavior (as far back as my memory can recall I can relate to this in regards to my behavior as a child and I will not discuss that aspect any further). Another interesting observation was that if the perpetrator was a stranger the child may demonstrate separation anxiety…. ask anyone who knows or knew me well and they will agree that I has a tremendous FEAR of abandonment.  These are all symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder.  Those who suffer from Borderline experience abuse as a child (almost always sexual.)  I’ve known this about me and discovered it after I started this blog, but was not ready to share it until now.

What didn’t come as a surprise was that is was revealed that any unresolved issues in adolescence will carry into adulthood. In further detail the intimate invasion of personal space leaves many survivors with an inability to trust other people or to be close to them. Guilt, shame and low self esteem are inevitable if child abuse has occurred. Experts agree that “telling the story” and coming to terms with it are essential to recovery as well as “talk-therapy”. In conclusion to my mini book report I MUST achieve:

1. Independence

2. Maturity

3. Understand the difference between Intimacy and Sexuality

4. Take on the role as an adult in society and not merely a victim

5. Crystallize my personal value system

Alright, now that all the book worm shit is out of the way, here comes the raw truth…

I met with Mother Graham over the summer after the psychic I saw told me that I needed to see her again. We started visting regularly once in a while and she opened up to me about my childhood. Fortunately I was able to listen long enough to her without freaking out to find out that I was allegedly sexually abused by someone before I started kindergarten. To this day she doesn’t know who did it, but is 100% positive it happened. As a mother she only wanted to protect me and I understand her not wanting to tell me. I don’t blame her, I’m thankful for her because I believe her. She was raped at age 15 by a a couple she used to babysit for and was unable to have peace or justice for what was done to her. I understand that she was NOT being selfish but protecting me.

It was the early 80’s and I was the one who said something to my pediatrician during a regular check up that resulted in her HAVING to legally report it in the state of VA. The accusations were unfounded and supposedly NO ONE in our family ever believed my mother, and  NO ONE speaks of it to this day. Needless to say my mother and I aren’t on speaking terms but she gave me the greatest gift of all… life and the opportunity to heal. One of my babysitters, whom I remember quite vividly, that I used to go to lived in Delray, and she was the one who noticed my odd behavior and helped my mother as much as she could. Back then she and my mother had everything documented and it was kept in a safe.   My odd behavior included making my dolls have sex with each other (reminding you, this is before Kindergarten and before most children are aware of sex) and particularly aware and desire to stimulate my nether-region…  I also had a tendency to scream when men came near me.  As I got a little older, therapists would point out that I acted out “like a boy.”

After I found out this information from MG I went into shock… at least I think I did.  I remember feeling fine about it and then became angry and then overcome with sadness which I’m still experiencing. My current general physician just happens to be the son of the pediatrician that reported my case to the state and I also found my childhood social worker online but all of her contact information was out of service . However, I was able to send her an email.

When I read the description of “Borderline Personality Disorder,” that was the one item that didn’t fit.  “Raped and/or Sexually Abused”  A friend, who is also a Psychologist asked once if I was ever raped.  I said No.  She asked multiple times, I’m assuming knowing that I was text-book Borderline without that one piece of the crazy pie.  When I heard Mother Graham reveal all this to me I knew it was all true before I started my own digging.  The more and more I read about the affects of child molestation, I end up reading about myself.

So, what happens when you do this to a child?  They turn into a slut, most of the time.  Other times, they develop serious drug problems, anorexia (or another popular eating disorder), body dysmorphia, self mutilators, and suicidal.  I don’t blame my parents for not telling me, but I am thankful of the courage my mother had one afternoon to reveal enough to lead me to the path of knowledge and to start healing myself.

Here’s to what could have been 199 Days, Veronica Graham, I’m glad I’m not going to be that asshole on judgement day.

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