Day 169: “Top 3 Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas”

I ran with Kimmie this morning and then headed to Yoga to see my favorite Yogi Master.  Today we focused on cleansing the subconscious of negative thoughts and learning to tap into our intuition and being present. Before I went to Yoga I had a 45 minute nap because I’m getting old and old people take naps. During my nap I had a dream and I saw a full moon and felt very unsettled, I recicved a phone call from the Pathological Liar and panicked and started to run. Kimmie was in the dream and told me to let him go… However, I didn’t listen, I just kept running. Ironically, Kimmie also had a dream last night about my fucked up love life and that I had married Norman and decided to not have children, but bought a yellow lab as a replacement. I was OBSESSED with my dog and turned into one of those crazy dog owners who carts their pet around everywhere.  Kimmie thinks her dream was a mixture of a dog documentary she watch earlier that day and a conversation about my uncanny ability to “flip” my views at a drop of a hat.  I’m still trying to decode my dream, but I think (after Googling what dreaming of the moon means) is that I’m still harboring feelings of hope regarding past lovers.  All my friends that were trying to talk some sense into me were being left in my dust as I continued to chase after that damn moon!

I realized today that I am in a constant state of longing.  I typically choose an old fling to suddenly long for again (usually it’s the most recent) and when I finally pull myself together and get over them, I revert back to some of my oldie-but-goodies.  Guys that treated me well and I have regret from letting them go.

My Top 3 Favorite Go-To Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas are:

1. THOMAS – I was 20 years old when I met Thomas and he was a son of restaurant owner and attended Virginia Tech University studying Hotel and Restaurant Management.  His parents weren’t crazy about me, but he showed me off anyway.  Thomas and I dated for a year, waited three months before having sex, and I kissed Yankee Baby when he was home from school one day.  I confessed to Thomas and he told me we could work it out.  He suddenly was ashamed of having me and refused to call me his girlfriend again.  It was a slow and painful breakup that lasted for years.  Technically, our relationship ended when I confessed my kiss of death with Yankee Baby, but we would meet up for “old time’s sake” hook ups for a few years.  I finally got pretty deep into drugs and he left me alone for good.  Last I heard, Thomas was living in Southern Virginia, had a nice house and good job as a Project Manager.  Although it was just a kiss that ended our relationship, looking back I could see how well he treated me and how badly I now want a man like he’s become.

2. THE CELEBRITY- I was 24 years old and had just broken away from a “pack” of old friends who were very much in the drug scene.  I was determined to get myself clean and registered in a self-awareness program.  The Celebrity was amongst the other lost souls at this weekend long workshop and I offered him a ride to his hotel near my parent’s house.  It was raining cats and dogs and his driver was unable to make it out to the workshop location, but the flood had prevented us from traveling very far.  We ended up checking into a hotel in Springfield, Virginia and spent the night together.  We never had sex, I couldn’t bear the thought of him leaving the area with this idea that I was some kind of groupie and I was convinced we had an incredible connection.  In the morning, his driver came to pick him up and he kissed and hugged me goodbye before leaving me.  We kept in contact via email and one interaction he had invited me out to Park City.  I said I couldn’t because I was working on my Associate’s Degree and shortly after, we lost contact for good.  Although we did connect for a few hours one night, he’s been one of the hardest ones to let go and my all time favorite woulda-coulda-shoulda.  Of course, I attribute us not being together due to the fact that I turned down his invitation to Park City.  The logical side of me knows that he probably doesn’t even remember me and the reason I have so much trouble letting go of him is because… well, he’s a celebrity.  I have access to his photos online and in public, his music, and pretty much every move he makes.  I also know that more than likely he’s put many girls in the same position as myself.

3. BRETON – I met him while he was out in DC performing in a play with Kimmie.  I was instantly hooked and wanted to know him.  He was tall, idealistic, and talented.  After the play was over, he went back home out west.  A year later, he decided to move to DC.  I was dating Iago at the time, but I was thrilled to finally get to know Breton.  One wintery evening, Breton and I shared a kiss before I was going to meet up with Iago and did not feel a shred a guilt.  I broke up with Iago, and finally had Breton.  We started hanging out daily and I remember he treated me with care.  I wasn’t able to let go of Iago completely then and started dodging Breton’s phone calls… By the time I was able to leave Iago for good, Breton had moved on and made it clear that our shot had come and went.

So, I see that only two of these should be legitimate “woulda coulda shouldas,” but regardless, these are the three I revisit often when I don’t have anyone to long for.  I look at the relationship between my father and stepmother, a relationship I judge often and claim that I want to steer far away from, but looking at them today I started to question my way of thinking… Obviously, the way I think naturally doesn’t work out for me.  It’s my stepmother’s birthday today and my father is taking her out to see a concert after she treated herself to a day at the salon.  The two of them used to drive from Pennsylvania to Virginia to pick me up every other weekend because my mother refused to drive me.  It was an eight hour trip total, every other weekend, sometimes they would come together and sometimes my stepmother would drive by herself so they could deal with my antic ass for three days.  The two of them have raised one of the most successful and good hearted people I know, my brother.  Despite our fights, they still make a point to say “Hi” to me every morning when I wake up for my run.  The two of them are still together and have never once laid a hand on me and have definitely dealt with my wrath more than any other person on this planet…  Maybe I should concentrate on having a relationship with the two of them before it’s too late and learn from them… they’re obviously doing SOMETHING right.  My stepmother will not and cannot be my mother, God didn’t plan it that way and I’ve rejected that verbally on many occasions, but I think I can seek out some kind of friendship with her and look to her as someone to admire than to fight.

Here’s to what could have been 197 Days, Veronica Graham, I’m a bitch.. sometimes letting go of bullshit is the hardest thing to do.

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