Day 171-175: “Sudden Crying Syndrome and Gangsters”

I have officially cried for 21 days straight.  Yes… I’ve counted.  It’s been exactly three weeks since I’ve cried every single day.  Most days, it’ll be in my car, as soon as I get to work I run to the bathroom to cry, and then I cry before I sleep.  That’s a lot of crying, but more importantly, I’m wondering what the hell is wrong with me?! Seriously, 21 days?  Most people mourning death don’t cry THAT many days straight.

Things that spark my eyes to well up with sudden crying syndrome:

1. “Hey, How’s it going?… Are you OK?”

2. The number of men I’ve slept with.

3.  The fact that not a single one of those men has actively tried to “win me back.”

4. Seeing happy couples at the Irish Bar.

5. Doing make up for a bride, who has found her one and only.

6. Fucking Facebook photos of old friends getting married and/or with their new babies and growing happy families.

7. People flinching when I yell at them.

In the past five days, I’ve continued working out, bitching about old lovers that will never come back to me, looked for places to live (yay!), and realized that sometimes I think I’m a gangster.

My gangster-self comes from acting like a complete bitch, threatening to “punch [insert name here] in the FACE,” and blasting rap music in my Toyota.  I’ve been attracted to “bad people” in the past: lots of crack heads and quite frankly, a lot of stuck up white kids who think they’re thugs.  I was one of those white kids.  The Gangster Yo Girl in Gap clothing, living in the Northern Virginia suburbs, always complaining about how hard life is and bitching about how I’ll punch anyone out that don’t respect me!  Oh, and… I DON’T OWE YOU ‘NOTHIN!

The truth is, being “gangster” was cool in high school and I’m constantly struggling to get away from the false ideals of my old stomping grounds.  This could be because I still hang out with a lot of people from high school, who still hang out with each other. Therefore, we’ve been living in extended high school with bigger bank accounts and adult responsibilities when school has been WAAAYY OVER.  The “cool girls” of high school are still the “cool girls” now, except I’m having more and more trouble really seeing WHAT makes them so cool?  And why am I still the new girl?  The “cool guys” are still the “cool guys” that all the girls want to be with… but seriously?  What exactly is it that makes them so cool nearing 30 now other than the fact that they were once cool when they were teenagers??

It’s hard to find these answers around your friends that have been my friends for so many years, but I’m working on taking a step back and really observing my friendships AND myself objectively.  Not that there aren’t legitimate answers here, but all I am saying is that I can’t see the forest for the trees when it comes to my long time classmates.

I can now see, I’m not the gangster I thought I was.  Maybe I am a little more of a country club gal than a “street thug.”  How would a complete third party member see me when I’m ordering my coffee at Starbucks?  Or me with my friends when we’re out at the bar?  I know people say that you shouldn’t care what others think of you, but I think it’s pretty important to know if you’re representing yourself in a way that you don’t mean to be.

So, yeah, I’m a little overwhelmed right now. With a shocking lack of support from spilling the beans on my childhood secret (with the exception of an old high school acquaintance who reached out to me, the bartender at my local spot, my father who took me to lunch, and of course, Kimmie), the realization that not ONE single guy has said, “I’m really sorry for how I treated you… I played a part in our relationshit, too.”, that I come across as a COMPLETE BITCH when I’m just trying to order my damn Starbucks latte (I really do scare people, no BS), and maybe a little that I’m getting closer and closer to the big 3-0.

I’ve decided today would be the end of my 21 days of crying.  I can’t be that pathetic little gangster girl anymore.  I’ve got to tap into the stronger side of me, knowing that all of these painful realizations are just preparing me to be the best Veronica Graham I can be.

Here’s to what could have been 195-191 Days , Veronica Graham, FU*K YOU, #*$^##!! BITC&! I’M GONNA *#*&*&& YOU UP! … One last time to get it out of my system, BITCH.

2 Responses to “Day 171-175: “Sudden Crying Syndrome and Gangsters””

  1. dejockamo Says:

    I agree, Christians are mostly lame and believe in Santa-like fantasies about zombie-Jesus and giant invisible wizards in the sky. Life is about moving forward. You seem to dwell so much on the past; a textbook depression symptom. Instead of crying yourself to sleep and worrying about who did what to you in highschool (you’re now in your mid-twenties), you should get some anti-depressants and stop working at bars and restaurants. Horrible places to develop relationships you so greatly seek. Even though I personally think that being whole is not achieved by latching on to another person…

  2. I just read your whole blog, first post to well.. last.
    I love it. I wish you’d spend less time talking about being a good christian, you should try to be what you want to be because you want it to be not because you are afraid of judgement. The right thing should be what you want and change should be for yourself. Yet I see it as part of your life so I wish you luck and all.
    I hope you do manage to find a better version of yourself but do keep that impulsive strike of yours for it is the most endearing aspect that I see in Veronica Graham.
    Keep moving strong girl!

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