Day 179-181: “Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes”

I’m moving out in two months from Pleasantville and I must admit that I’m scared shitless. I’m scared that I will be living with Kimmie and scared that there is another person moving in with us. I had a panic attack at the mall, classic VG shit. My stomach started to turn upside down and at one point I had to sit down in a chair in Nordstrom and called Kimmie. She could tell by my tone of voice that I had fled from the Safety Zone in my brain and entered DANGER zone. In my borderline brain I’m either in 1 of 2 zones: SAFETY ZONE: Open minded, funny, compassionate and reliable or DANGER ZONE: Panic attacks, shifty eyes, racing thoughts and completely unpredictable. It fluctuates between the two and the people closest to me can see it happening before their eyes and are unable to stop me when I run head first into the Danger Zone. What they see I can only feel, and it breaks my heart that I still can’t manage it at times.

What I feel: Extreme Anxiety, like I have been punched in the stomach, the world is out to get me, completely paranoid, irrational thoughts,wanting to runaway and never return, I will never make it in the world alone, I should be locked away in an insane asylum.

What they hear and see: A defensive and frightened tone of voice, unable to hold eye contact, unable to sit still, black and white thinking (my feelings are fact), fits of depression- crying or sleeping a lot, bursts of anger, throwing tantrums like a child, drinking myself into oblivion, escaping into the arms of a complete stranger.

After getting through the initial fear of change and moving out, Kimmie and I met up with our new roommate. She is AWESOME! The three of us met at a Starbucks and we seemed to hit it off on our first meeting.  My initial response is usually to stick with what is comfortable and familiar. I’ve always been resistant to change, but realize that’s gotten me nowhere… I’m glad I got through my “freak out” moment and finally moving forward.  I know it won’t be easy, but I’m determined to be an AWESOME roommate and I can’t wait!!!

Here’s to what could have been 187-185 Days, Veronica Graham,  “Change is good- it will always get you out of a rut.”

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