Day 193-198: “If your Crazy and you know it…”

Lately most of my prayers to Hey-Zeus have been about me being able to become a less selfish person, to keep my head held high despite of my shortcomings, and to give me the peace of mind that I’ve been searching for. I’ve come far in my journey of change but it’s far from over and I struggle daily with my emotions. Sifting through the bullshit in my mind isn’t as easy I thought it would be.  I find it hard at times to focus on the present and identify the difference between a healthy line of thinking and a not-so-healthy way. Hopefully I will be able to rewire my thinking process before Kimmie signs me up for a lobotomy at the local coo-coo-plant.

This borderline-disorder-shit is exhausting.  I’ve noticed that I when I become angry with someone It’s hard for me to think before I speak and I definitely don’t handle my temper well if I’m pissed or when someone else is upset with me. It could be a boss, a friend, a family member, a co-worker, or the Barista at Starbucks that is taking too long to make a fucking vanilla latte. At times I act as if I have a free pass to be crazy, I’m the only one who has the “right” to be in a bad mood or have a rough day at work. God forbid anyone lose his or her patience with me or not treat me with respect. I know what being held accountable means but it’s hard to identify where and how to mold being accountable into my life.

Usually if I upset someone I get super defensive and get mad at that person for getting mad at me. Umm….I’m aware that this makes NO SENSE, but when I’m having a moment it’s hard for me to think before I speak. I’ve gotten better over the years from what I’ve heard but I still need to come up with a better strategy when I’m in the moment. Kimmie suggested that I read more about my disorder but my pride won’t let me admit that I need a book for help or that I might need to go back into therapy to talk about things with a professional.  I’ve researched some aspects of “how to cope with BPD” on line but I don’t think I can google my way out of having BPD.

I will be shopping around these next couple of months for a therapist that doesn’t suck or hand me a stack of pills after talking to me for 5 minutes. On a lighter note, I get to work on another episode of Nightmare Next Door this week! I can’t wait for another 3 days in paradise making stab wounds and powdering noses.

Here’s to what could have been 172-167 Days, Veronica Graham, My new doctor better have lollipops and cool stickers.

3 Responses to “Day 193-198: “If your Crazy and you know it…””

  1. Actually, you can’t pray for other people to change their ways because the only thing you are in control of in life is yourself. So keep on praying for yourself Veronica! And if you want to throw in a few prays asking for good things to HAPPEN to others then by all means do so. But you can’t change other people, only yourself.

  2. Most people who want to be less selfish pray for others instead of themselves…FYI…

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