Day 208-216: “Thanksgiving Day All About ME!!! ME!!! ME!!!”

I am an Attention Whore.  I guess a slut would be one, why would someone spread eagle so many times if they didn’t have attention issues?  I could chalk it up to not being paid attention to as a child, being thrown out at 14, having abandonment issues, and etc.  Some of these may be true, but it’s all pretty much a moot point after a while.  I am the girl that girls hate having around, because I DEMAND the attention of men.  Yes, that’s me.  Short skirt, big wine glass in my hand, catching eyes (or just plain staring) at every hot guy that walks past me, and talking loudly.

This is something that I need to change.  This won’t be a natural confirmation, I’m going to have to consciously not SEEK the attention of men.  A couple days ago, I went to the mall to get some Christmas shopping done and a guy selling sea salts at one of those kiosks approached me.  To sell me sea salts.  However, I took this opportunity to flash him “flirting” eyes and giggle at all of his jokes that I can’t remember right now.  He ended up giving me a armload of merchandise and asked me out for a cup of coffee.

YES, YOU CAN TAKE ME OUT FOR COFFEE!  We talked and he told me how amazing I was and asked for my number.  I willingly gave it to him.

The next day at work I got upset that my former work crush wasn’t looking at me.  WHAT?!  HE doesn’t think I’m HOT with my all black uniform, nonslip shoes, and waiter’s apron?!  PSH!  What’s WRONG with him?  Yes… I asked this to a co-worker.  I shouldn’t have been surprised when I got the “Uh….” look.

The problem?  I don’t LIKE my former work crush, this ended when I realized I knew nothing about him and really didn’t care to. Also, Mr. Sea Salts texted me and I stared at his happy-go-lucky text asking to see me again and I had little-to-no desire to respond.  I ignored his text without giving it much of a thought.

So, what the hell is it? Why was I flirting with Mr. Sea Salts?  I said to myself it was to get free stuff.  OK, that’s bullshit.  Why do I care that my coworker doesn’t think I’m hot?  I have an all around issue of not being paid attention to, not being looked at, and not getting the constant validation I desire- wait, DEMAND, when I’m feeling insecure.

There was a girl I worked with once on a film set that would demand the attention of men.  She would talk loudly while playing with the child actors and look around to see what guys were noticing her.  All the ladies on set didn’t care for her and even tried to “lose” her when she was following us to the wrap party.  She was annoying, couldn’t enjoy the company of others, and would inevitably start to weep if nobody- wait, no men- paid attention to her.  This would make some knight in shining clueless “rescue” her and then she would wipe away her tears and say, “oh, it’s nothing.”  The daunting realization is that I have a lot of characteristics in common with this attention hungry girl.  She is a GIRL, while I am a grown ass woman.  That’s the difference.

So… On this Thanksgiving Day when I realized how fucking self absorbed I am, I also need to make a vow to be abstinent from being an attention whore.  I need to learn how to be comfortable just BEING in a crowd and not the center of it.  When I finally am in a relationship, I want to see only him and not every hot guy that walks past me.

Here’s to what could have been 157-149 days, Veronica Graham, how can you have a healthy relationship when you’re always taking from it and not giving back…

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