Day 221: “Talk like a MotherF@*CKING Lady”

Looks aren’t everything. I can’t count how many times my mouth has turned off a guy, but I do have a full understanding of how looks can be deceiving. How awful it must have been for the good-guys-that-got-away to hear me speak when I’m having a classic VG moment. Just because my hair and makeup are on point, I have on name brand clothes and wear sexy shoes…it doesn’t exempt me from having to act like a lady. Unfortunately, the majority of my life I’ve convinced myself that I can mask my true nasty mouth by looking good. Well… Up until now.

This old lady turned into the elderly woman in Legion at the Irish bar today, starting out sweet and turning suddenly evil with a really low voice that belongs to gremlins, “but he’ll buuurrn.”  (referring to the waitress’s baby).  Then her eyes glazed over with blackness and she crawled up the wall to the ceiling hissing like an alley cat. I watched this sweet little old lady sip her Diet Coke and turn into a demon… She had nothing nice to say about her hour and 20 minute lunch spent with her friend and made sure to tell me as she waddled out the door with her fancy cain. She definitely gave me the hibbie jibbies.

In that moment I pictured myself  turning out to be like her… Old, bitter and yelling at a waitress for putting too much pepper in my tomato soup.  I can’t count how many times I have started a conversation with” You know what really pisses me off…”, or    “Can you believe what that fucking bitch said to me?!” or ” Fucking Maryland drivers suck, I’m running late again!”, or ” Fuck. Shit. God damnit…I lost my keys”.  Sure a slip up here and now is okay, but every other word out of my mouth shouldn’t be a curse word. I was worse when I was younger and remember the time my stepmom handed me a copy of Amy Vanderbilts Book of Etiquette, I scoffed at her and told her I didn’t need a fucking book on how to act like a lady. Clearly I did.

The way I see myself in the mirror is not a direct reflection of what is on the inside. For so long I thought it was okay to be a loud mouth, rude, inconsiderate of others people time and feelings. It’s not and its not that easy to turn off my potty mouth, especially when I’m upset. I would much rather be the classy bitch who can use big words and phrases like…” I’m disappointed”, or “It’s okay, you just really hurt my feelings”, or ” I don’t like it when I don’t hear from you”. I don’t give people in my life a chance most of the time- all the time. I’m so wrapped up in my little world that I feel entitled to say whatever is on my mind in public or the privacy of my home.

To this day, my dad gets anxious when my tone takes a turn for the worse. Earlier this evening I stormed out of my room pissed off and cursing up a storm, my dad was in his office playing Polish Christmas songs on his guitar and was startled by my fit of rage and asked if he was playing his guitar too loud. My heart broke. I would never discourage him from the joy he has playing his guitar. He has walked on eggshells around me so long that he can’t tell if I’m about to have a episode again and start verbally assaulting him like I have done in the past.  I love that my Dad plays his guitar, and I love hearing him play his favorite song “Only Fools Rush In” (secretly I think his rendition is the best). I’m not sure how long it’s going to take to turn this potty mouth syndrome around, but the people closest to me have been waiting patiently for me to stop making things in general so damn difficult. Well folks, today is your luck day (starting tomorrow).

Here’s to what could have been 144 Days, Veronica Graham, Ugh… I think I’m growing up.

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