Archive for December, 2011

Day 241-251: “The Slut Next Door”

Posted in Uncategorized on December 30, 2011 by Veronica Graham

Lately, I’ve noticed that sluts across the nation are ruining it for the “good girls” that are trying to keep their legs closed for Mr. Right. I usually don’t call other people out on their behaviors, but I’m on the road to recovery from Skanksville DAMMIT!  As a reformed slut I feel a strong urge to tell the other sluts in the world to keep your fucking legs shut! Whether or not you realize it, you’re fucking it up for the rest of us! STOP giving up the goods without a commitment… It makes it that much harder for ex-sluts like me who LOVE sex to get a guy to commit. Better yet, good luck getting a guy to put a ring on it after fucking him within the first week (regardless of how long you have known him).

I used to be the girl that would fuck it up  for other girls that actually put in the legwork to get to know a guy. I can recall three instances where my sluttiness ruined it for another girl. What I failed to realize until recently was that after I hooked up with these guys I single handled ruined these ladies idea that they guy they were currently with or trying to get know was special and not like all the other guys. 

The Friend: As I’ve stated before I was obsessed with The Friend… I’d follow him around like a lost puppy and always find a way to be near him. Whether it was hanging out a party that I knew he was going to be at or loitering at his place of business… He was never out of my eye line. I would call him nonstop… What’s so bad about that?  EVERYTHING. He was in a committed relationship with another girl in our school and  loved her with every ounce of his heart. She was smart, beautiful and definitely a girls girl. She had a lot of friends, was popular and any guy would have loved to have had the chance to call her his. From what I remember she always supported him and gave him the benefit of the doubt when it came to him having to explain why I was always around. I was just a friend right? Please, I had ulterior motives. I secretly hoped that one day he would leave her and see that I was the one for him (that never happened). I’m not sure how it all ended between the seemingly picture perfect couple, but I know now that I didn’t help their relationship. He was in a committed relationship and I weaseled my way into his life by claiming I just wanted to be his friend. Looking back I see now that I wasn’t a friend to him and all I did was create drama between the two of them. In his mind I never had a chance, but in mine I thought I did if I hung around him long enough.

Lexus Adonis: Lexus Adonis was friends with The Friend and probably to this day still is… He was also in a committed relationship with a girl in our high school who was attractive, popular, an amazing soccer player (she actually went to a super cool college for soccer, and had numerous articles written about her talent), and smart. In my defense I didn’t find out that he was in relationship with her until I had already ruined it. However, It doesn’t excuse what I did…  After school one day and I called The Friend who happened to be hanging out with the all too sexy Lexus Adonis. I was still the new girl in school and I hadn’t met LA but I’d seen him around the school grounds and knew of him. I ended up meeting up with the two of them in a parking lot near our homes “to chill.” I have no idea what was going through my slutty little mind at the time but when the three of us rolled up separately in our cars…. I hopped into LA’s and gave him a blow job. Yup, I gave him head in broad daylight… In a car… In a Pleasantville shopping center. It was the first time I had ever met this guy and I pretty much said” Hi, I’m Veronica. Would you like a blow job?” I’m disgusted of how much of a tramp I was, and it makes my stomach turn even thinking about it to this day. Needless to say his girlfriend found out and was heartbroken, and probably wanted to duct tape me to a goal post and practice kicking soccer balls at me.

Café Alaska: Cafe Alaska worked at a local coffee shop in town and was also in a relationship with a girl who seemed to be one of the sweetest girls I’ve ever met. She worked in an animal shelter and had a way with animals that was envious. She was always working at the shelter and I was always at the cafe. I recall one summer riding my bike to this coffee shop every chance I got to show off my body and my wanna be athletic skills. I was so unconvincing. I would huff and puff all the way to the cafe on a beat up Raleigh bike form the 70’s decked out in Nike gear, only to sit for hours smoking cigarettes and drink free coffee. Cafe Alaska was adorable and I knew he was in a relationship. I was determined to ruin it and make him mine. To my demise, I did ruin it but he sure as hell didn’t want to date me afterwards. I was drinking one night with Cafe Alaska and his cousin while his girlfriend was out with her friends for the night. I had a little too much to drink (as I planned) and asked Cafe Alaska to come outside with me. I ended up kissing him on the side of his house and got busted by his cousin. His cousin yelled at me and asked how I could do such a thing. He was repulsed by my behavior and made sure to let me know that he was going to tell CA’s girlfriend. I was mortified, not by my actions…. but because I got caught. I didn’t hear from the CA again and later found out that he and his girlfriend broke up and he moved to Alaska.

I’m in a better place now than I’ve ever been in my life, at times it’s hard to believe some of the things I’ve done to get a guy to notice me. It’s pathetic, manipulative and downright shameful. I took away from these girls the idea that what they had with the guys in their life was special and I regret it. All I can do now is learn from my mistakes and make sure to never be that girl again. Not one of these guys ever wanted to date me, in fact I think that they felt sorry for me. All in all, it ends up breaking the good girls heart and hurts the guy too. Let’s be honest….Guys go after women who are worth having not the slut next door.

Here’s to what could have been 124-114 Days, Veronica Graham, “Loose Lips Sink Ships”

Day 236-240: “Manipulative Minx”

Posted in Uncategorized on December 18, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I’m officially on my own! I moved out of Pleasantville into a new apartment right outside of DC with Kimmie and my new roommate.  I can’t believe it! What’s shocking is that I don’t regret spending the past 10 years at home with my Dad and Stepmom. I was a little scared at first about being on my own and thought that once I moved out I was going to freak out, throw a keg party and do lines of coke off my balcony. It was just the opposite. Damn… Those days really are long gone. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and I couldn’t have left anytime sooner. I can’t wait to start this new chapter of my life and I’m confident that it will be a memorable one.

For the past two days the three of us have been decorating the apartment with our killer sense of style. Ahem… We have a meditation room with a china tea set for morning chats, our kitchen has an Italian café theme and our living room has the biggest and most comfortable couches I’ve ever sat in. I’ve taken over the kitchen and have tested out my skills by making BBQ Chicken, Seafood Marinara pasta and a Spanish style dip. So far I haven’t set off the smoke alarm or sent my roommates running to the bathroom so I’m going to keep cooking.

Yesterday, I couldn’t help but ponder over the meaning of hope. I daydream a lot about what “could be” and can get lost in my thoughts for hours.  Usually my brain is polluted with ideals and high hopes of how to bend another person to my will… Is that fucked up? You bet your ass it is. It’s completely manipulative. It’s not all about me and I can’t change anyone other than me, but sometimes it would be nice if everyone in my life was a mind reader.

There are certain people in my life that I’ve known for 10+ years and I realized that I don’t know them at all. I’ve always been stellar at lying to myself and seeing things as I wish they were rather than the way they are.  Dammit, I seriously need to get my head out of my ass and see the forest for the trees. I honestly believe that a deep and heartfelt friendship is one that is about listening and sharing personal aspects or yourself with another human being. It’s about being vulnerable and putting yourself out there regardless of whether or not the other party is going to judge you. For example… Last night my roommate, her friend, Kimmie and myself were having wine and sitting in the living room chatting it up about men. I don’t know my new roommate all that well but she opened up and willing took the hot seat when it came to discussing her love life.

I was shocked at how open she was and appreciated her honesty. It’s definitely going to be fun getting to know her. I immediately began to think about some of the woman in my life who aren’t that honest with themselves or other people. How much can you really get to know a person that isn’t willing to get past the small talk-open up and share aspects about themselves?  Or even better, why would you want to invest in someone like that? Sure, small talk happens and there is nothing wrong with it. It’s great in the business world and speaking with strangers. However, I’m realizing that at some point a healthy friendship should progress to next the level. How can you build a foundation of trust without substance?

When I first started writing this entry I started to write about how one of my friends hurt me… My hopes were that they would read it, snap out of whatever funk they were in and apologize for not offering to help me move.  Once I realized how manipulative I was being I deleted it. I was planning to use my blog as a point of manipulation because I was too chicken shit to call.

I’ve known this person for a long time and I also realized that I’ve extended myself further than they are willing to extend themselves to me. Unless, I have the courage to call and talk about it there is no point in bringing it up. In regards to having high hopes in someone else other than striving to be a better person for myself… Umm fuck that shit. I’ve spent too much time worrying about how to get someone else to treat me right that at times I’ve neglected those that have been there all along. SOooo here I am bitching about some “friend” that didn’t offer to help me move, I was too cowardly to call, and I attempted to manipulate them into apologizing through my blog for something that they may or may not be aware of that hurt me.

All in all I have a lot to be thankful for…I will be working on another episode of Nightmare Next Door, I have two makeup lessons scheduled and will be at the Irish bar in between gigs this week. I’m still working on my temper, searching for a therapist and trying to be a friend to those who have had my back from the beginning.

Here’s to what could have been 129-125 Days, Veronica Graham, Fortunately, sex isn’t on my mind…

Day 233-235: “Dicks and Hos”

Posted in Uncategorized on December 14, 2011 by Veronica Graham

A few things happened in the last few days, all while I was out.  There was this guy who commented on how beautiful I am at the bar, he was older, bigger, and nice.  I appreciated the genuine compliment and thanked him.  He was a little taken back that I didn’t roll my eyes or tell him to “fuck off.”  He then went on to express how NICE I was… Nice isn’t an adjective connected to me very often.  He wasn’t trying to sleep with me, to get me to go home with him or even play with his ding dong- he just wanted to pay me a compliment.  This is a rare thing.  With most guys at bars, a compliment comes with a price… and a drink bought for you, that comes with a big price.

Let me move onto event number 2:  Entitled Asshole.  One of my customers at the Irish bar sat at a table of mine… alone… for four hours… eating lamb shank and drinking red wine to finish it off with a Glenlivet (two fingers.)

ME: “What does two fingers mean?”

ENTITLED ASSHOLE:  “The bartender will know.”

OK, asshole.  So, after four hours, I made the guy pay out his tab because it was time for me to go home (seriously, it was closing time.)  I sat at a table employees typically sit at having my “shift beer” away from the common dining area.  Entitled Asshole had moved to the bar and noticed me.  He walked over and sat down at my table to “chat me up.”

ENTITLED ASSHOLE:  “Why are you so bitter?”

ME: “… Um, well, I’ve been working a lot lately?”

ENTITLED ASSHOLE:  “No, come on… tell me.  Why are you so bitter?”

ME:  (WTF?) “I’m not bitter.. I’m happy.  I’m just tired.”

ENTITLED ASSHOLE:  “Tell me. What happened?”

???  ME:  “Look, I don’t know what this is, but the only reason why I was nice to you before was to get a good tip and… I’m not going home with you.”

ENTITLED ASSHOLE:  “You’re a whore.”

…. WHAT?!   ME:  “What did you say to me?”

ENTITLED ASSHOLE:  “Nothing.”

ME:  “You don’t know me.”

ENTITLE ASSHOLE:  “You’re a strong woman, I thought you could handle it.”

ME: “….”

ENTITLED ASSHOLE:  “Awww, look, I’m sorry.  I don’t want you to think I’m this horrible guy.”

ME: “It doesn’t matter what I think of you… I don’t know you.. and you’ll never get the chance to prove me that you’re any different.”

I wish I could say this was the end of it… but the Entitled Asshole kept following me around until I left work to go home.  My co-worker (a guy, of course) said to me that he was surprised that I wouldn’t go home with this guy.  WTF?!  OK, admittedly, I used to be the girl that would fall for these assholes.  Good looking, flirtatious, and well-educated.  Now, all I saw was a pretentious asshole that tried too hard.  This Entitled Asshole also went on to insult the way I look… saying, “Look at you with your glasses.”  What the hell?  Was I stuck in a teen movie where the female outcast is automatically in glasses and a ponytail?!  I could have gone on to tell him about how he was balding, sitting by himself for four hours wasn’t impressive, and I don’t care what the hell a Glenlivet-two-fingers is.  I’m wondering where the hell these little fuckers get off thinking I should feel SO LUCKY that they even walked over to talk to me… you know, me being so HIDEOUS in my glasses and everything.

Event number 3:  Bitchy Dick Lover.  You know those girls who are complete bitches to every female on the face of the planet, but turn into Florence Nightingale Angels when a guy comes around?  “What do you need?”  “You’re SO funny!”  “Let me get the tab.” “Oh, you’re sick?  Here I made home-made chicken noodle soup!”  We all know who these girls are… hell, I used to be one of them.  Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. HO…  I have an unfortunate friend like this (Unfortunately, a close one) who would drop a plan with any female friend of hers for WHATEVER (insert- driving a guy to point A to B, talking to a guy, smoking a blunt with a guy, yes… any guy) kind of plan with a male (the YX chromosome version of the human species.)  I too, used to be one of these girls.  The girls that would put other girls down for no good reason but find any guy to be a better-and-more-worthy type of person to be around…

If things are SO hard for us women: we get paid less than men, we can’t walk alone at night, and we get fucked over by commitment-phobe players time and time again… why do women turn against each other instead of supporting one another?  Why is it so easy for us to say “Fuck her” and “I can’t WAIT to fuck him!”

Even guys that are taken, we disregard the women they are with and truly believe that if somehow we were alone with this guy for five minutes- he’d be ours.  WHY in God’s name would we do this to one of our own?

I still don’t know… All I know is that the more I really see people- the more I see that the majority of people out there are pretty fucked up- Guys and Girls.  Neither one of us are innocent and that means we should work twice as hard to be better people for our girlfriends and our future (or current?) husbands.

Here’s to what could have been 132-130 Days, Veronica Graham, Come on girls… Let’s show each other some love.

Day 226-232: “Scratch My Back and I’ll Stab Yours”

Posted in Uncategorized on December 10, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I’ve been thinking about the Golden Rule lately.  “Do as you would be done by.”    I’ve screwed over a lot of people back in the day, but I was screwed over a lot as well.  I thought this was normal.  I thought ALL people were like this: manipulative, out for themselves, and would stab you in the back over a hot guy in a heartbeat.

I’ve learned that is untrue… however, MOST people are like that.  It is a rare to run into someone who takes the moral high ground and I’ve been fucking working hard to be one of those people.  In this lesson, I discovered the meaning of loyalty and have a lot of questions about the meaning of friendship.

What defines a friend?  OK, and I don’t mean look it up on dictionary.com, but how exactly do you measure a GOOD friend?  or a TRUE friend?  Mother Graham called me flipping out that Kimmie was actually a terrible friend to me and I’ve heard this from my own former posse as well.  Kimmie mostly sticks to herself and so my former posse has had very little interaction with her and Mother Graham has had zero interaction with her…  But I do understand their suspicion.  Kimmie has a very select few that’s she’s loyal to and that are loyal to her- the numbers stay small because once she’s crossed (maliciously), you’re out.  Is this the way to be?  Or should you be more flexible with your friends, allow them to fuck you over now and again and if you do the same- oh well, it’s a part of life, right?  WHAT?!  The more I think about this, the more it makes zero sense to me.  Sure, people make mistakes… but what is the motive behind them?  Innocent mistake?  Or selfish moments?  So if I were to create a formula for measuring a friend it would have to be… shit, I don’t know.. except that maybe a friend that’s able to remain loyal to you is a true friend.  This is the person that doesn’t talk shit behind your back because someone has started, has the courage to take a stand, and won’t move forward into anything that might hurt their friend… this includes going on a date with your friend’s crush or befriending those who have hurt your friend.

I’ve had friends from one group that I’ll introduce to another, and suddenly they’re friends while cutting me out of the equation…Umm OK, fuck you too. I’ve learned this is a major GIRL CODE NO NO.  It’s unspoken, so when it happens, it’s rarely talked about, but certainly noticed. How many minor-fuck-you-overs should be tolerated before they move from “good friend” category to “mediocre friend” category? Is there a certain alloteted amount of time that forgives the minor-fuck-you-overs and moves you up from “mediocre friend” back to “good friend?” If you buy dinner does that cut the time in half? If you pick up a bar tab and throw in a “talk” is that considered time sevrved and now your record has been exponged? So what happens when you move from “medicore friend” back to “good friend” and get fucked over again? Do you get a harsher sentence because its a second offense? If I were to fuck you over after you fucked me over is it “eye for an eye and water under the bridge” or is it “two wrongs dont make a right” and were both punished?

In my opinion, it should be “two wrongs don’t make a right,” but what if the other friend in question disagrees?  Do we rock, paper, scissors for the proper punishment?  Or is it like “real life” and we vibe each other out and the more dominant (ahem, stubborn and prideful) friend gets their way?

The answer might not be so obvious to you, but it seems pretty obvious to me… No mistake is acceptable (of course, I’m not talking about INNOCENT mistakes we make as human beings, but we’re adults and for the most part we know better by now) and a “Bad Friend” or “OK Friend” is NO FRIEND.  A Friend = Good Friend.

A Friend to Everyone is a Friend to No One… This is where loyalties come in, it’s like a mafia, you can’t befriend the “enemy” when you’ve chosen your mafia team.  If you’re lucky enough to have a good friend, which I do (luckily more than one), then act like a fucking friend back… My friends are my choice and those are the ones I’ve chosen to be loyal to and vice versa.  My good friends are loyal to me and the trials and tribulations of life and circumstances have shown me their loyalty.

Yes.  ME.  VERONICA GRAHAM IS A LOYAL BITCH!

Damn, it’s taken a long time to get here, but I was finally able to show my friends and myself that I am capable of being a good friend… I mean, a friend.  How does this relate to sex?  I am now confident I will NEVER cheat again.  Yes, this compulsive cheater has changed her spots (see Day #12: The Cheater Conundrum).  Whew!  Now to work on my lady like mouth, my sporadic temper, keeping my commitments, keep my vow, and keep being a friend… and making more friends 🙂

Here’s to what could have been 139-133 Days, Veronica Graham, Dear Hazel- I know you were a great friend to me and I’m sorry I hadn’t learned this lesson before my minor fuck-you-overs became too much for you. 

Day 225: “It’s Not About Sex”

Posted in Uncategorized on December 4, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I haven’t talked enough about my obsession with sex lately and I feel a little prude-ish because of it. I haven’t been staring at guys the way I used to and I’ve been able to keep my legs shut after my slip up… ahem, slip ups. However, I do fatansize about what life will be like when I finally get to have sex with someone that cares about me, you know, for more than a week. I went to DC earlier  today to pick up some items for filming next week. I grabbed the biggest bottle of fake blood I could find by Ben Nye along with Decay and Nicotine tooth color. I never know what the producers are going to ask for so it doesn’t hurt to stack up on items that catch my eye.

Lately I’ve been thinking… What the fuck was I thinking in taking a break from SEX! Who the fuck does that? Why would I choose at this stage in my life to turn a new leaf? Well… I realized that the whole point of this year off from sex is to change from within and give myself the time to STAY changed from being so damn easy. I really was a slut and I don’t mean it in a haha you’re so funny kind of way.  To this day I still say YES to men more than I say NO… Am I constitutionally incapable of saying NO to a penis?! It sure as hell feels like it. I still don’t know how to turn off the urge to want to have sex or to be so readily available to men, but I know what it stems from:  The fear of being alone and being insecure is what is driving all of this nonsense.

When I take a look at the bigger picture I realize that it’s not about sex.  This fear that I have is so powerful that I will and have said yes to almost every idea or sexcapade that a guy has suggested. I’m 30 and I don’t have any guidelines to follow or boundaries with men. I jumped the gun at an early age and now I’m back peddling to catch up on what I missed. I’ve been living in a fantasy world and have successfully created this idea that as long as I say YES everything will be fine, as long as I drop whatever I’m doing “HE” will stay, as long as I’m dressed how “HE” likes he won’t leave, as long as I’m skinny… Blah, blah, blah. I’ve been feeding myself bullshit pills and have swallowed one two many. I’ve overdosed on my own bullshit.

I can’t stop the aging process and I can’t get back the past 10 years, at times I wish I could. I know what NOT to do now… I just haven’t the slightest clue of what to do to get things somewhat normal with my relations with men. I have a tendency to start out strong with things in general and fade some where in between. I even wussed out on running in the morning after a solid month of it. Yoga…Psh, that was fun until my monthly pass ran out. I’m a half-asser.

I’m capable of taking OUT accountability in anything in my life and I need to get rid of this easy-way-out philosophy. I’m infamous for taking the easy way out. I can’t count how many jobs I’ve had that I’ve quit or been fired from… I’ve been a shoes salesman, retail manager, insurance agent, auto shop manager, maid, a waitress in MOST of Northern Virginia restaurants, shampoo girl, receptionist, studio manager, and last but definitely not least a barista at Starbucks.

There is no easy way out of my past actions and it’s not been a joyride turning a new leaf. I’ve made tons of excuses and have a list filed somewhere in my brain that I go to every time the going gets tough. This easy-way-out has affected a majority of my relationships with men and work.

So, I’ve identified the problem… whoopdie fucking doo.  HOW do I apply this?  What are commitments I need to keep and what are ones that are okay to abandon?  When is it all right to finally have sex with the guy I end up with?  How will I know when the right time is when I can’t trust my own judgement?

The answer?  I have NO fucking idea and I think my next journey is getting a therapist.  I need to start searching and find the right therapist for me by the time my vow is up, because I know myself well enough to know that I don’t know myself at all when it comes to these questions.

Here’s to what could have been 140 Days, Veronica Graham, I can’t get nooo sat-is-faction!

Day 221-224: “I am no Julie Powell”

Posted in Uncategorized on December 2, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I got into the holiday spirit briefly yesterday and made my famous dishpan cookies. The recipe was my grandmothers, and just like she suggested… I only make them during the holiday season. You would think that making cookies isn’t a difficult task but in my world it is. I had started making the dough and ran out of flour… I drove to the local 711, grabbed a bag of flour and was ready to take on the kitchen. Once I was ready to start rolling out the dough I noticed that the rolling pin was missing?! I was covered in flour and had a minor meltdown on the way to Bed Bath and Beyond. I stormed into the store and demanded that a sales clerk help me find the best rolling pin they had. When I say demanded, I mean demanded.  To explain why I was covered in flour and acting like I just escaped the mental institution of Betty Crocker, I went on-and-on to describe the five-hour process of making the these special cookies and how I couldn’t find the rolling pin and how my entire day has gone to SHIT.  They checked me out quickly and in no time I was back at home baking until the late afternoon.

Sometimes life has a way of slowing you down. I think yesterday was a perfect example of how. I had all the ingredients (or so I thought) and all the time on the world. The recipe is very detail oriented and its important to take your time in making them. The dough has to be rolled to a certain width, the filling has to be exactly 1 tsp, and the glaze has to be stirred continuously so that it doesn’t harden.  After the cookies were completed, the last thing I wanted to do was eat one.  Instead I packed some up for the woman at 711 and the employees at Bed Bath and Beyond.  Later on, I got a message from the 711 lady that the cookies were delicious!

Although it took me longer than I had anticipated yesterday to make them the end result ended the same. If I didn’t need the flour, or the rolling pin I wouldn’t have felt the reward of putting in my hard work. The compliments I recieved made all the madness worth it. I was able to put a smile on other peoples face with my damn cookies.

Here’s to what could have been 144-141 Days, Veronica Graham, There is a reason why I only make these cookies once a year.