Day 225: “It’s Not About Sex”

I haven’t talked enough about my obsession with sex lately and I feel a little prude-ish because of it. I haven’t been staring at guys the way I used to and I’ve been able to keep my legs shut after my slip up… ahem, slip ups. However, I do fatansize about what life will be like when I finally get to have sex with someone that cares about me, you know, for more than a week. I went to DC earlier  today to pick up some items for filming next week. I grabbed the biggest bottle of fake blood I could find by Ben Nye along with Decay and Nicotine tooth color. I never know what the producers are going to ask for so it doesn’t hurt to stack up on items that catch my eye.

Lately I’ve been thinking… What the fuck was I thinking in taking a break from SEX! Who the fuck does that? Why would I choose at this stage in my life to turn a new leaf? Well… I realized that the whole point of this year off from sex is to change from within and give myself the time to STAY changed from being so damn easy. I really was a slut and I don’t mean it in a haha you’re so funny kind of way.  To this day I still say YES to men more than I say NO… Am I constitutionally incapable of saying NO to a penis?! It sure as hell feels like it. I still don’t know how to turn off the urge to want to have sex or to be so readily available to men, but I know what it stems from:  The fear of being alone and being insecure is what is driving all of this nonsense.

When I take a look at the bigger picture I realize that it’s not about sex.  This fear that I have is so powerful that I will and have said yes to almost every idea or sexcapade that a guy has suggested. I’m 30 and I don’t have any guidelines to follow or boundaries with men. I jumped the gun at an early age and now I’m back peddling to catch up on what I missed. I’ve been living in a fantasy world and have successfully created this idea that as long as I say YES everything will be fine, as long as I drop whatever I’m doing “HE” will stay, as long as I’m dressed how “HE” likes he won’t leave, as long as I’m skinny… Blah, blah, blah. I’ve been feeding myself bullshit pills and have swallowed one two many. I’ve overdosed on my own bullshit.

I can’t stop the aging process and I can’t get back the past 10 years, at times I wish I could. I know what NOT to do now… I just haven’t the slightest clue of what to do to get things somewhat normal with my relations with men. I have a tendency to start out strong with things in general and fade some where in between. I even wussed out on running in the morning after a solid month of it. Yoga…Psh, that was fun until my monthly pass ran out. I’m a half-asser.

I’m capable of taking OUT accountability in anything in my life and I need to get rid of this easy-way-out philosophy. I’m infamous for taking the easy way out. I can’t count how many jobs I’ve had that I’ve quit or been fired from… I’ve been a shoes salesman, retail manager, insurance agent, auto shop manager, maid, a waitress in MOST of Northern Virginia restaurants, shampoo girl, receptionist, studio manager, and last but definitely not least a barista at Starbucks.

There is no easy way out of my past actions and it’s not been a joyride turning a new leaf. I’ve made tons of excuses and have a list filed somewhere in my brain that I go to every time the going gets tough. This easy-way-out has affected a majority of my relationships with men and work.

So, I’ve identified the problem… whoopdie fucking doo.  HOW do I apply this?  What are commitments I need to keep and what are ones that are okay to abandon?  When is it all right to finally have sex with the guy I end up with?  How will I know when the right time is when I can’t trust my own judgement?

The answer?  I have NO fucking idea and I think my next journey is getting a therapist.  I need to start searching and find the right therapist for me by the time my vow is up, because I know myself well enough to know that I don’t know myself at all when it comes to these questions.

Here’s to what could have been 140 Days, Veronica Graham, I can’t get nooo sat-is-faction!

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