Day 236-240: “Manipulative Minx”

I’m officially on my own! I moved out of Pleasantville into a new apartment right outside of DC with Kimmie and my new roommate.  I can’t believe it! What’s shocking is that I don’t regret spending the past 10 years at home with my Dad and Stepmom. I was a little scared at first about being on my own and thought that once I moved out I was going to freak out, throw a keg party and do lines of coke off my balcony. It was just the opposite. Damn… Those days really are long gone. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and I couldn’t have left anytime sooner. I can’t wait to start this new chapter of my life and I’m confident that it will be a memorable one.

For the past two days the three of us have been decorating the apartment with our killer sense of style. Ahem… We have a meditation room with a china tea set for morning chats, our kitchen has an Italian café theme and our living room has the biggest and most comfortable couches I’ve ever sat in. I’ve taken over the kitchen and have tested out my skills by making BBQ Chicken, Seafood Marinara pasta and a Spanish style dip. So far I haven’t set off the smoke alarm or sent my roommates running to the bathroom so I’m going to keep cooking.

Yesterday, I couldn’t help but ponder over the meaning of hope. I daydream a lot about what “could be” and can get lost in my thoughts for hours.  Usually my brain is polluted with ideals and high hopes of how to bend another person to my will… Is that fucked up? You bet your ass it is. It’s completely manipulative. It’s not all about me and I can’t change anyone other than me, but sometimes it would be nice if everyone in my life was a mind reader.

There are certain people in my life that I’ve known for 10+ years and I realized that I don’t know them at all. I’ve always been stellar at lying to myself and seeing things as I wish they were rather than the way they are.  Dammit, I seriously need to get my head out of my ass and see the forest for the trees. I honestly believe that a deep and heartfelt friendship is one that is about listening and sharing personal aspects or yourself with another human being. It’s about being vulnerable and putting yourself out there regardless of whether or not the other party is going to judge you. For example… Last night my roommate, her friend, Kimmie and myself were having wine and sitting in the living room chatting it up about men. I don’t know my new roommate all that well but she opened up and willing took the hot seat when it came to discussing her love life.

I was shocked at how open she was and appreciated her honesty. It’s definitely going to be fun getting to know her. I immediately began to think about some of the woman in my life who aren’t that honest with themselves or other people. How much can you really get to know a person that isn’t willing to get past the small talk-open up and share aspects about themselves?  Or even better, why would you want to invest in someone like that? Sure, small talk happens and there is nothing wrong with it. It’s great in the business world and speaking with strangers. However, I’m realizing that at some point a healthy friendship should progress to next the level. How can you build a foundation of trust without substance?

When I first started writing this entry I started to write about how one of my friends hurt me… My hopes were that they would read it, snap out of whatever funk they were in and apologize for not offering to help me move.  Once I realized how manipulative I was being I deleted it. I was planning to use my blog as a point of manipulation because I was too chicken shit to call.

I’ve known this person for a long time and I also realized that I’ve extended myself further than they are willing to extend themselves to me. Unless, I have the courage to call and talk about it there is no point in bringing it up. In regards to having high hopes in someone else other than striving to be a better person for myself… Umm fuck that shit. I’ve spent too much time worrying about how to get someone else to treat me right that at times I’ve neglected those that have been there all along. SOooo here I am bitching about some “friend” that didn’t offer to help me move, I was too cowardly to call, and I attempted to manipulate them into apologizing through my blog for something that they may or may not be aware of that hurt me.

All in all I have a lot to be thankful for…I will be working on another episode of Nightmare Next Door, I have two makeup lessons scheduled and will be at the Irish bar in between gigs this week. I’m still working on my temper, searching for a therapist and trying to be a friend to those who have had my back from the beginning.

Here’s to what could have been 129-125 Days, Veronica Graham, Fortunately, sex isn’t on my mind…

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