Archive for April, 2012

LAST ENTRY: “How to Turn a Ho into a Housewife”

Posted in Uncategorized on April 20, 2012 by Veronica Graham

When I started this blog a year ago, I was desperate to find love.  I was about to go have sex with Arab Prince after things had gone south with Latino Hot Lips.  I was approaching 30 and single, with no husband anywhere in sight.  I had fucked Northern Virginia, Southern Maryland, and the Northwest Sector of DC.  I realized I had a problem with how I treated sex.  I was looking for love through sex and a whole lot of it.  A year later…  I broke things off with my man-friend and I’m single once again.

Good.  I’m happy.  Fuck it.

I am currently three months sober (almost, Cinco de Mayo will be my three month mark.)  It was a rough start, but I haven’t been able to think this clear in… well, ever.  No alcohol, no weed, no coke, no pills, nothing.  Only an ungodly amount of caffeine and cigarettes.  It’s funny that at the end of this journey I have NO Man, a GREAT job, GREAT Friends, NO substances, and a little sex.  Yes, I’ve had a LITTLE sex this year- not the 365 days of pure celibacy, but I did “slipped up” in September with Mr. Nice and the Pathological Liar (Looking back it must have been a desperate attempt to hang onto 29) and I did have sex when I entered a relationship at the last stretch of this journey.

I see now that sex was not the issue (Okay, so I shouldn’t have been such a SLUT) but my issues delved much deeper than just sex.  In the very few things I can control in my life, alcohol was one I realized I needed to give up.  The hard days at work and the occasional heartbreak made me realize even more how unhealthy my relationship with drugs and alcohol was- so I joined AA and NA, kicked the booze and drugs and I can see things clearly now- well, a lot clearer anyway.

RELATIONSHIPS

I think about when Kimmie and I were first friends.  In my memory, we were fast friends, going out, enjoying our youth, and the men- er, boys- that would pop in and out of our lives.  The truth is, we weren’t fast friends.  It took a lot of time before we were hanging out on a regular basis and an even longer time before we were truly enjoying our singledom as the awesome twosome we were.  This is the longest and healthiest relationship I’ve been in.  Why is it that I expected things with men to be different?  I’ve dove in head first, proclaiming that this (insert guy’s name) IS the ONE, and therefore, must spend every moment and share every detail about myself with this person.  He’s the ONE, after all.  Well… In my giant lineup of men, I’ve had many Ones. The Arab Prince, Latino Hot Lips, Iago, Rich-Married-Man, Pathological Liar, High-School-Sweetheart, Homeless Hottie, One-Night-Film-Geek, Work-Crush, and Mr. Nice.  Yes- with every last one of them, there was a little part of me that believed that they were the ONE.

So, how do you turn a Ho into a Housewife?  Despite my love for sex, I am no longer a Ho and I’m no where near a housewife.  The thing is, I’m not sure I’ll ever be a housewife- truly, anyway.  I’m not sure I’ll ever be married, ever have children, or any of that.  Kimmie disagrees, she thinks I’m still bound to run into the guy that will be my future husband… but does stress how little things are in our control.  If there really is this chosen someone in the future for me, then I don’t have to TRY to make any of these guys the One… Eventually, One will get down on bended knee and be it.

MR. RIGHT VS MR. RIGHT NOW


Looking for Mr. Right gets you nowhere but heartbroken with all your expectations unmet.  Mr. Right Now is so much easier to find.  If life is about moments to moments and life is short and all those other quotes people read in order to motivate themselves to feel young and do spontaneous things, then why are we running full speed in order to eventually hit a plateau and have things slow down and settle?  Why are we ignoring the moment and living in the future?  Mr. Right Now is someone you can have a fantastic evening with, maybe some good conversations, and that’s it.  Or not- Mr. Right Now can develop into a great friend along with a steady bang.  If very little is in my control, like someone else’s heart or will, then eventually ONE of these Mr. Right Nows will become Mr. Right– naturally.

There’s this really lame saying that goes something like, “If you love someone let them go, if they never come back, they were never yours.”  I’m not looking at this in a romantic way, but in life in general- with all my relationships.  I think about friendships and how they tend to naturally develop… the reason being is that there is no expectation early on that this friend will brand “BFF” on their ass within the first few months of knowing me.  It always starts with enjoying the company of that person, then enjoying the company a lot more, go through trials, figure one another out (buttons and what not), and learning how to deal with one another to better enjoy one another’s company.  Before you know it, you have a pretty damn good friend.

I’m not sure where in my twisted logic I thought being in a relationship with a man would be different.  It’s a natural progression and it will take time and it will happen without me trying to force it.

EXPECTATIONS ARE FUCKED UP

I have ruined 100% of my relationships with expectations.  I expected Arab Prince to make me his girlfriend because I was sleeping with him… he never gave me any reason to have that expectation, but still, I expected it and when it didn’t happen I would cry and make him very confused and uncomfortable.  I expected Rich-Married-Man to leave his wife and marry me:  There were no divorce papers, he didn’t have a diamond ring on my finger… there was no solid reason for me to have that expectation- but yet, I did in my fucked up fantasy head in the world of “How Things SHOULD Be” and when my expectations didn’t happen, it was all his fault and I was just the innocent victim in his infidelity.  Ugh, it’s gross just thinking about it.  The expectations are gross.

Expectations are fucked up.  It’s a fucked up thing to do to someone else when it’s not warranted.

No Diamond ring = No Expectation of Marriage (crazy, huh?)
No “I’ll call you tonight” = No Expectation of Phone Call.
No “I really want to give this a shot and I think we should be exclusive” = No Expectation of being his Girlfriend.

Don’t get me wrong- this goes both ways.  I don’t expect random-hookup to be my next boyfriend and he should not be expecting me to be his next girlfriend.  Guys are guilty of this too.  It’s just we girls tend to be expectations whores a whole lot more than men– we’re constantly expecting ourselves crazy until we lash out on these poor unassuming guys.  We use our expectations to back up our insanity.

NEW LOT IN LIFE

“One Day at a Time.”

With Alcohol, With Drugs, and with People.

I love my work and spend so much energy there, I can’t and I won’t spend anymore energy on men and on finding the One.  If it’s in the cards for me, he’ll be out there and I think I’ll find him just fine by focusing on enjoying each day with him… One day at a time.

At this point I don’t feel the need to write anymore as I am vowing to “Let go.”  That includes resentments, my past, and my expectations.  I have nothing more to say other than Thank You for everyone who has been there for me.  This blog has changed my life:  Not in the way that I originally planned, (I thought I’d be with the guy I’d be married to at the end of this), but in a better way.  I’m better for this blog, I became sober out of it and I’m happier living each day.

Here’s to NO MORE DAYS, Veronica Graham, This Ho is just fine not being a damn Housewife.