Guess who’s Back?!

My slutty antics and need for redemption led to the upheaval of my past publicly in 2011. I was a certified ho and not proud of it. I ripped through a year of pain and shame with a smile and many bottles of… Now I am 34, slightly wiser and have a fat stack of pent up stories itching away at my brain to be voiced. To recap the past 4 years in one entry is not my style, so much has happened that has shaped me into the fighter I now know that I am.

I recently read through the past entries and saw something that I hadn’t noticed in the thick of it. If you let people tell you who you are and what you are then you are not living to YOUR full potential. I let people define and shape who I thought I was. I let sex turn from a loving bond into a shameless need for affection. I was a raw and damaged adult-child who idolized the select few I held close to my heart. “If you live for peoples acceptance than you will die by their criticism.” This phrase pierced to the core of me. I accept that I was broken and looking for love in all the wrong places.

So much time was wasted looking toward someone to throw me a bone and save me! Yeesh, how sad. I had received all the therapy money could buy, gone to countless AA meetings with a fair amount of leaps off the wagon in between. I still didn’t get that I truly needed a higher power. I was a lot of talk and no action. What I did know was that the more I focused inward the more I felt like shit. I was making money, my career was poppin’, and I looked damn good doing it with the help of botox and bleach. I was incredibly lonely and felt completely empty and lifeless. My exterior didn’t match the inside and shortly after the last entry in 2012, I slowly fell into my old selfish ways.

I was doomed, or so I thought…What brought me to me knees wasn’t the loss of my friendships, self respect or families so-called approval. I became pregnant in 2013 and it was the biggest blessing I have ever had bestowed upon me. I began to beg God to help me help myself. In that moment of pure weakness I knew what it meant to be powerless. I was bringing a new, precious life into the world as an unmarried, single, washed-up woman and was scared shitless. What I was experiencing was divine muthafuckin’ intervention and luckily I was able to get my head screwed on straight, well straight enough.

 

–If talents are God given, no man can hide its light.

 

 

 

 

One Response to “Guess who’s Back?!”

  1. This is amazing. You are so funny, raw, witty, strong and very talented! I have always loved your crazy ways no matter what. I’m excited to read more. 🙂

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