Lift me UP!

Forgive, forget and move on. Yeah ok. I’m the type who says they forgive but really it’s just another word that I try to understand. I say I forget until I remember. All these recent lessons in life make it sound like I have seen the light but realistically it’s more like a sparkler with a limited time span. Mostly, I’m just a little bitter and still trying to cope with being back in my hometown. I read God’s Promises about anger and get angrier. I pray and then yell, cry, pray some more and wonder if I’m praying correctly? Are you allowed to yell at God?  Does God have enough modern listening skills to hear me or do I need to contact Jesus through prayer and then he can forward my messages? Furthermore, do I really need to go to church?! Christianity in America is like a fucking Baskin Robbins and we all know that no one can pick one flavor, for all of eternity.

I started reading the Bible back in 2013 almost entirely out of spite. Honestly, you need a bottle of Advil to sit through an Evangelicals sermon and a Red Bull to sit in the pew of the others. Currently, I’m in the book of Psalms and its been a painful read from… In the Beginning…18 chapters deep God seems less unicorns and bunnies and more anti-government and pro-disturbing the peace. My interpretation of what I have read puts him on a whole nother level of gangster. I’m still in the Old Testament but I think Jesus is going to be a lot more chill than God. God seems kinda like a mob boss and if it wasn’t for a select few who prayed in previous chapters to keep his people safe he would’ve gone scarface on muthas.

The most satisfying part of reading the Old Testament is what I have found by reading ‘Understanding the Old Testament’ by the late Bernhard W. Anderson. I stumbled upon his wealth of knowledge after a brief conversation with my Dad. After spewing off all my contempt for the church he handed me this book from his personal collection and that ended my rant. He is truly a man of limited words. This super old book that he read in college still has that old library smell oozing out of its pages…My brain swells up when I think to0 hard so in my newness of understanding the Bible most of this entry is just me babylon.

Everyday living used to feel like a whirlwind. I was in constant survival mode emotionally and it was exhausting. Living in my own skin was literally unbearable until I became a parent. I couldn’t find my voice and am still searching… It’s not a bad place to be, just an interesting place. Finding stillness in the hustle and bustle and acceptance of where I am is an on going process. However, how long am I going to hold onto the past? When can I truly forgive, forget and move on?

 

One Response to “Lift me UP!”

  1. hey Veronica – thank you for your open thoughts.
    I have followed your stories to the degree I could understand them. All the time, ans also now, I wish I could lift a part of my skull, in order to show you what I think, without all these words – just a simple emotional connection, short and intense. – like the gas/kerosine cars at the airport: specialized vehicles, being left alone again after filling up when the plane takes off.
    After reading your last posting, I can only wish you happyness – do nice and corny famiiy things – they’ll cure and help.
    try tost op thinking for some time.
    bye X
    machteloze Luuk

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