Archive for February, 2017

35; Black beans and Rice

Posted in Uncategorized on February 24, 2017 by Veronica Graham

I eat quesadillas when life gets tough; I have perfected this tasty little treat. I have a couple of white hairs sprouting near my right temple too. I did a bad thing – I checked my ratings and it seems as though I am boring, to the reader. I am in the grey area of popularity, meh. I feel grey and am getting grey so maybe it’s suitable to be grey. It’s hard to be grey when I used to be dark blue? Dark blue stats are the place to be according to my site. People still read my shit so at least I know someone can get a good laugh or learn something. Here’s something new- Put cinnamon in your meatloaf. Its hard not to glance at stats, it was easier to ignore the thousands of views when I was drinking and trying to refrain from sexy time. I’m no better than that other mom begging for a reader, sike, lmao.

Saying Fuck you and Fuck that all the time is boring- it’s almost too predictable. I don’t date. I don’t have someone breathing over my shoulder telling what to “confess” either. I’m not up for video blogging just yet nor do I want to use all my pricy makeup on tutorials that teach people how to not look like a werewolf in the morning. I’d rather sit in my favorite tee with the phrase ‘I don’t give a frappe’ written on it, ditch contacts for my studious looking black framed bottle cap glasses and sip soda through a straw thinking of what to write next.

My little one isn’t the only one learning how to spell these days. Dr. Seuss is the shit. While looking at life insurance policies the other day I thought of what to put on my tombstone-‘She is either-There, their or they’re’ with an arrow pointing in every direction. I always thought that being a mom would be the death of me; it was the beginning of me… Like- the real me. I spent most of my life drowning in substances; I think tequila preserved me and my lack of understanding on how people and our society operates kept me young and dumb. Now, I wake up to this little person asking for waffles or throwing a toy at my face. I sip coffee with minimal sugar and listen to NPR. I am in a new bubble. The mommy bubble. It’s fun and safe. I still haven’t given my kiddo a name in the blog- How about Pumpkin? The little stinker loves pumpkin bread.

I’m in a mental space that I had only heard about in the rooms of AA and attempted to get to many, many times. Life hasn’t stopped throwing spiked curve balls at me but whatever. Maybe I wasn’t meant to have the ‘simple kind of life’ or maybe I am. Not sure. I am currently studying a new profession to support my family duo. Waiting tables is not the best second job for me. Not to mention, I’ve been hired and fired form nearly every restaurant in a 15 mile radius of my hometown.

After, I left the DMV I kinda lost my momentum and status with local production companies. It happens to grey people. I’m still on the call list but I am not the main bitch anymore- I am more like number 7 on the legit makeup professional list- Lucky number 7.

–Pumpkin made a killer replica of frost bitten hands with watercolors earlier, little stink is already looking out for mama.

 

The Top 10 Harsh Truth’s

Posted in Uncategorized on February 17, 2017 by Veronica Graham

I was listening to a radio personality bogart the airwaves between music sets taking about a man-friend. It was painful as a listener to hear her complaint. She’d known this guy for a while, they text everyday, hang out weekly and have a pretty solid friendship in her eyes. She’s confused because he went out of town for a week and he didn’t call or text. When he returned he told her that his phone broke. The guy host who was temporarily taken hostage for advice about her friend made two comments. Are you sure your friend went out of town and if I was out of town I wouldn’t purchase a new phone until I got home, especially if I was on a vacation. She responded, “Yeah, BUT….he could have called and he didn’t make any posts on social media or try to message me.”

As defined per me the word BUT- In conjunction with a previous made statement cancels out sound advice and replaces the harsh truth with bullshit to rationalize the feelings of rejection.

Whats really going on with her? Its obvious she likes him…Well, I don’t really know but it could be:

  1. She has put way to much of her heart into a noncommittal man-friendship.
  2. She feels entitled to his attention daily.
  3. Is hoping that one day he will realize how awesome she really is and transfer the friendship to a relationship.
  4. Has probably slept with him or given more hand jobs than she can keep track of and is emotionally attached.
  5. Doesn’t realize that how she relates to him is unhealthy for their friendship.
  6. She is reliable- Reliability on her part, to someone who is unwilling to commit, is worth more than the current trading value of gold to her man-friend.
  7. She’s too accessible.
  8. The mystery of what dating her could be like is gone.
  9. It’s not a mutual friendship if she feels slighted by his independence.
  10. He knows exactly how she operates because friends learn one another. Sadly, she’s opened up herself to someone who isn’t a safe home base for her emotional needs. She has manipulated the meaning of friendship to justify that she is attached and can’t shake the fact that she is the only one falling.

How many times do independent women need to smash our hearts into tiny pieces over our ideals of intimacy in false friendships with men? When will we slow down and go back to the basics? The world has changed in many ways for the good of women but the tired and true way of getting a man to commit hasn’t. Believe me, no matter how much new age bullshit is pumped into our minds, we are not equal to men when it comes to dating techniques.

Women like me keep trying to make a man fall in love, lets stop playing ourselves. Let the bastards chase us. Maybe, wait to give up the goods until we have the commitment we desire, and stop buying these guys shit. Shit= anything. If you find yourself daydreaming about a guy then he cannot be your friend. If you think he can be just a friend and you like him, then you’re in for a solo heart break. If you think that being one of the guys will make him want to take you out of the friend zone, it won’t. If you think that giving him money or helping him with family matters gives you a free pass to his heart- Check your motives. I wish I had checked my motives early on with a lot of fellas and stopped chasing.

Guys reveal themselves early on- it’s us who rationalize and ponder over the potential of what could be. Waiting is the hardest part, letting go of control has been my biggest challenge. You know why? Because guys don’t chase me. I’ve been the aggressor all my life. I have so many holes in my heart from not being accepted that it’s painfully obvious…within my family or with friends. I noticed a while ago that I needed some major renovations on the inside but it seems that I will be under construction longer than anticipated. Starting with a broken foundation doesn’t leave much room for solid repairs. I’ve had to tear down everything I thought I knew and rebuild. Thanks for letting me share.

—Even if no guy is currently around, slow your roll and get to know you better. At this point in life, I can honestly say I have no idea what my type is and by chasing I’ve never been able to see what I can attract. That’s a little troubling, but whatever. Better late than on my death bed.

I ain’t no Bible beater!

Posted in Uncategorized on February 12, 2017 by Veronica Graham

Are readers still going to find my blog interesting? I’m talking more about being a mom and the almighty Hey-zeus, that’s interesting, right?  I’m back in the middle of the classic journey of a ho turnin’ to Hey-zeus. It’s so funny to me. It really is. How does a dirty little bitty go from writing about straddling…. To talking about parenting and the Bible? Not really sure, it’s so like me though. I feel like a rubber band trying to snap back and be relevant and relatable, we shall see.

I just finished reading a moms post who just started a blog and is begging for readers. ‘It would be so awesome to have some visitors!’ Seriously, come on. You can’t make people read shit about your life, no one fucking cares, it’s hard enough to keep a friend let alone someone interested in your perspective. What are your motives? Are you worried about stats? Hoping to go viral? During the peak of my writing I stopped. Why? Because someone strongly suggested that my journey was over once the year was up. I agreed, being the good little friend I thought I was supposed to be and tired to help this friend produce her “genius script” into a film. I was convinced I owed her. I gave all I could, literally, had a couple of mental lapses during pre-production and paid the price for going against my gut. It was never going to work because the lack of funding was a YUGE issue, but we tried and man did this betch have the best manipulation tactics I’ve ever been privy to be tangled in. Guess who the friend was? And guess who she got to fund the film after our go at it failed. SOMEONE ELSE. Poor soul probably has no money now, ah well, thats what happens when you get fucked by a black widow. Literally and Figuratively.

I write. Why? Because it fucking calms the brain, and being Veronica Graham is awesome. She doesn’t let shit keep her down, she keeps on trying, she is a fighter-slayer of fakeness. I still remember how wide eye Kimmie got when she saw how much people liked my ridiculousness. Her idea to exploit my shit online gained a lot more attention than that star crazed little betch wanted. Looking back on our friendship is like looking back on a relationship without sex. I was like her little dog, and she was able to hide behind my weaknesses/outbursts and cash in on the benefits by being the “good one”. So glad that sea urchin is out of my life. I mean, clean-cut ho. Come to think of it,  February 14, 2013 was the day I moved out of the apartment we shared with that other chick. Oh, how sweet betrayal is from a Taurus! If you’re a Taurus don’t read my blog. They’re the most beautiful soul-sucking humans I’ve ever met. Sure, their might be one or two that are ok, but their smooth exterior and humble disposition is a load of fucking shit. They want two things, fame and ALL your money. If a Taurus is in your life go and check how much money you had before you met them, it’s safe to say that they found a way to insert themselves into your life so that you feel you owe the beautiful disaster your Benjamins’

Eventually, I wiped the snot nosed tears away from my face about SG’s expectancy and started doing crunches. My options were limited it was either get back in shape and finish reading this book or shave my head and get fat. I’ve been letting my glorious hair grow out from a hideous mom bob I got from a scissor happy stylist in the South. Also, I’m now in the book of Ecclesiastes. Surprisingly, Ecclesiastes is more my style. The first paragraph of the NIV Version, ‘Everything is Meaningless’ -very dark and fatalistic, Love it.

Ironically, Kimmie and Southern Gentleman gave me the two greatest gifts… A bible and a baby-And then walked away. HA! How sweet the gift of the betrayers turned out to be! Naturally, I am still angry with both of them- I am a Scorpio. Kimmie for not showing up at a lawyers office for our business dispute that happened on October 22, 2012 -Her no show spoke volumes of how much respect she had for me. About as much as people who don’t pick up their dogs shit in a beautiful park…And SG for his choice to start a family with a bumpkin from Alabama and neglect his responsibilities to his first born. 

Aww, Fuck it.

Trust in Me

Posted in Uncategorized on February 10, 2017 by Veronica Graham

‘Trust in me, close your eyes, you’re safe now that I’m around’ Too many snakes out here… Too many fucked up people waiting for me to snap. Gotta stay positive but it’s like trying to walk out of a tar pit. I fucking can’t seem to catch a break. It’s two steps forward and 10 back.  I’m suffocating over here. Between family shit, money problems, looking for other professional options, selling shit for money-it’s too much. Not sure where God is or why I even bother praying. Really feeling the weight of the world and I’m so close to gaining independence but my set backs are happening way to frequently. I’m choking up left and right, tears of frustration.

It’s almost Valentines Day, eating shitty candy from CVS and sending people gifts with hearts and tokens of love is what it’s all about…Cupid came to my home early this year. He shot an arrow laced with cyanide straight to my heart. Southern Gentlemen is expecting a child with his new girlfriend in May. That is the same month that my little cherub was born. My cherub hasn’t seen his father in a long time. No cards, no gifts, no calls, no nothing. Even when we lived in the South, he rarely made time for visits.  Little one will be three in May and he’s been telling me in a cute little voice ‘I go to Georgia, Daddy working.’ I’ve been getting asked questions about Daddy a lot lately. Honestly, I didn’t expect my baby to start asking where his dad is at such a young age. I don’t think it would be a good idea to say ‘Daddy is a piece of shit who bailed on us, chose partying over us, rejected rehab and is starting a new family with someone else.’

Hopefully, I will be chill enough to speak the truth to him when he’s older in a loving and respectful way. Now, I just smile and say ‘Daddy loves you very much and will come visit when he’s done working.’ No one preps you for things like this and I know how the hate between parents feels so I really don’t say mean things about Daddy at all. I didn’t want to spew hate because I still had hope that he would show up for our kid. He broke my heart, but honestly who hasn’t. However, I never thought I could feel heartbroken for my child. I thought people just said that shit. I have a very healthy, active, and extremely smart child. If you met the little tike, even if you didn’t like kids, your heart would melt. I’ve never been able to understand how SG’s been able to just bail out. I held on for so long from a distance. I would give him pep talks about life- Even suggested he move to the DMV, rent a room, get a new job, possibly model in NYC, become a barista-Anything as to not miss out on this awesome kid grow up. Coming back to the DMV was the best overall choice for me and I am doing better, not great but better than what I was in Georgia to support a home.

Aside from the fact that I’m flat out crushed, I was planning to make enough money to take little one on a trip to see Daddy this summer- Just be the awesome mom who makes dreams come true and doesn’t let personal feelings get in the way of anything. You know, try to be the bigger person, try not to be a shitty selfish mom. Try to give little buddy time with his dad even if only for a couple days. I kept getting blown off by SG after we moved here that I thought if I stopped antagonizing him, stopped bitchin’ about money, stopped with all the baby mama drama-things would get better. Maybe he’d help out or realize that home is where his child is. My silence didn’t change a damn thing.

I’m so teary eyed- My brain has so many memories surfacing like a montage. I can never forget the few good times I witnessed between the two of them and when it was the three of us. It can never go back to that and I don’t know when I’ll be able to face SG again, I won’t be able to make the trip this summer. It was picture perfect for a moment in time for all of us and I am up to my neck in stress, drenched in tears and have a very heavy heart. His choice changes so many things, I’ve yet to process all of it. I’ve got a lot of work a head of me that needs to be done to keep a stable and safe home for my sweet angel, emotionally and financially.

—-Don’t be the person who misses out on their child growing up. They’re only little and only yours for a short while.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s a SWB!

Posted in Uncategorized on February 9, 2017 by Veronica Graham

My side kick and I packed lunch, the stroller and toys for our morning adventure- When I’m not working we both spend most of our time outdoors- in any temperature. Usually when the weather is warmer The Super White Betches come out of hiding. A Super White Betch is a woman trapped in a high-school mentality with a blinding honker of a diamond on her left hand, a -insert trending brand name- multi purpose coat and jet black sunglasses to cover alcohol induced blood shoot eyes? Today they were swarming the playground with their clones-It’s so uncomfortable to be around these types of women. Being that I am white it doesn’t do me any good. I’m not the right type of white.

It’s easy to tell when you’re in the presence of an SWB because you can feel their beady little eyes judging your ringless hand. They have a keen sense for knowing the difference between gel polish by Sally Hansen and OPI on a self-done manicure. Also, they’re known for having laser vision when spotting the impoverished and it causes them to sneer autonomically. I assume, most have a mediocre husband to rely on that pays for much needed sun damage relief microdermabrasion treatments. It’s truly remarkable, these creatures of the day are a sight to see- Saying ‘Hi’ or smiling works with other mothers but not a SWB. They kind of look at you with a questionable ‘do I know you’ OR this is my fav-if you get too close to one they dart to the other side of the playground when they’re on a group ‘invite only’ play date. They usually travel in packs- its easier for them to adjust to those who wear leggings in public. Being a mom is a lot of work and being a wealthy SWB mommy must be really, really exhausting-insert condescending snort laugh-

After the weight of the pretentious started to pour into my water bottle at the palygorund, I decided it was time for my side kick and I to go on a run. It’s not easy to get a kid away from the playground and little brawls happen more often when these little tikes get older. Laughter can turn into a mini disaster so quickly with kids. One of the Super White Betches kids took a swing towards mine and I was their to intercede with pearls of wisdom…’We don’t Hit’.  Simple and convincing. Not rocket science. No explanation, no detailed statement. It was effective and they were able to shake it off and play a little longer. High five me! Super White Bethces tend to give long detailed explanations when its time to lay down the law. It never works. The kid only gets more frustrated and has a melt down. Short, simple commands go a long way.

I get that children are learning boundaries and that no parent is perfect but its painful to watch an SWB completely ignore that their kid needs an adjustment or quick witted lesson. Usually, their sipping coffee, talking to someone and scrolling through their phones when disaster strikes. They have a way of ignoring everything around them. It’s kinda sad. There is a fine line between being ‘just kids’ and being a ‘rude little shiat’. If no one is setting limits in the moment than it becomes a behavior. Parenting is about being present, not sitting on the sidelines looking like a bia'(get ’em up, get ’em up).