Trust in Me

‘Trust in me, close your eyes, you’re safe now that I’m around’ Too many snakes out here… Too many fucked up people waiting for me to snap. Gotta stay positive but it’s like trying to walk out of a tar pit. I fucking can’t seem to catch a break. It’s two steps forward and 10 back.  I’m suffocating over here. Between family shit, money problems, looking for other professional options, selling shit for money-it’s too much. Not sure where God is or why I even bother praying. Really feeling the weight of the world and I’m so close to gaining independence but my setbacks are happening way to frequently. I’m choking up left and right, tears of frustration.

It’s almost Valentines Day, eating shitty candy from CVS and sending people gifts with hearts and tokens of love is what it’s all about…Cupid came to my home early this year. He shot an arrow laced with cyanide straight to my heart. Southern Gentlemen is expecting a child with his new girlfriend in May. That is the same month that my little cherub was born. My cherub hasn’t seen his father in a long time. No cards, no gifts, no calls, no nothing. Even when we lived in the South, he rarely made time for visits.  Little one will be three in May and he’s been telling me in a cute little voice ‘I go to Georgia, Daddy working.’ I’ve been getting asked questions about Daddy a lot lately. Honestly, I didn’t expect my baby to start asking where his dad is at such a young age. I don’t think it would be a good idea to say ‘Daddy is a piece of shit who bailed on us, chose partying over us, rejected rehab and is starting a new family with someone else.’

Hopefully, I will be chill enough to speak the truth to him when he’s older in a loving and respectful way. Now, I just smile and say ‘Daddy loves you very much and will come visit when he’s done working.’ No one preps you for things like this and I know how the hate between parents feels so I really don’t say mean things about Daddy at all. I don’t want to spew hate because I still have hope that he will show up for our kid. He broke my heart, but honestly who hasn’t.

I never thought I could feel heartbroken for my child. I thought people just said that shit. I have a very healthy, active, and extremely smart child. If you met the little tike, even if you didn’t like kids, your heart would melt. I’ve never been able to understand how SG’s been able to just bail out. I held on for so long near him and continue too from a distance. I would give him pep talks about life- Even suggested he move to the DMV, rent a room, get a new job, possibly model in NYC, or become a barista—Anything as to not miss out on this awesome kid growing up. For me, coming back to the DMV was the best overall choice for and I am doing better, not great but better than what I was in Georgia to try to support a home.

Aside from the fact that I’m flat out crushed, I was planning to make enough money to take little one on a trip to see Daddy this summer- Just be the awesome mom who makes dreams come true and doesn’t let personal feelings get in the way of anything. You know, try to be the bigger person, try not to be a shitty, selfish mom. Try to give little buddy time with his dad even if only for a couple days. I kept getting blown off by SG after we moved back to Virginia. I  thought if I stopped antagonizing him, stopped bitchin’ about money, stopped with all the baby mama drama-things would get better. Maybe he’d help out or realize that home is where his child is. My silence didn’t change a damn thing.

I’m so teary eyed- My brain has so many memories surfacing like a montage. I can never forget the few good times I witnessed between the two of them and when it was the three of us. It can never go back to that and I don’t know when I’ll be able to face SG again, I won’t be able to make the trip this summer. It was picture perfect for a moment in time for all of us and I am up to my neck in stress, drenched in tears and have a very heavy heart. His choice changes so many things, I’ve yet to process all of it. I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me that needs to be done to keep a stable and safe home for my sweet angel, emotionally and financially.

—-Don’t be the person who misses out on their child growing up. They’re only little and only yours for a short while.

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