Daffodil in the Snow

8 years ago I was struggling with addiction, like hardcore, I would have bouts of sobriety but I couldn’t shake the physiological cravings that I had. It was pretty scary. I recently found out that one of the ‘characters’ from my past checked into a treatment facility out West and has been there for a few months. I actually liked this particular person, he and I felt similar towards our families. We felt that wedge that so many addicts feel—- US vs. THEM. My life in addiction was very much a US vs. THEM battle.

It’s a mentality and a lifestyle. If you see someone drenched in addiction don’t hate. Life under the wings of any substance full time is similar to a thirst that is never quenched. I could never get enough… I would put myself in positions to be near dealers on all levels of the game. I don’t think that one type of addiction is any less bad than another. The scariest part of being a recovered addict is life. Life is on the other side of addiction. Life is not easy and whoever got that notion in our heads can suck on a bottle of hot sauce.

The hype behind legalizing marijuana these days makes my blood boil. Like seriously?! wtf? I know a lot of cats that have gone to jail for selling. I’m sure one or two readers know a person that has served a little bit of time for drug selling. In my opinion, the system is designed to make a profit, an example out of someone and let their record remain tainted. I’m not saying that drug dealing should be a career choice- However,  I sure as hell do not support the legalization of pot unless the system is secretly rehabilitating those locked up for it; with plans for their future induction into society with clean slates. I never met a drug dealer that sold because they thought it was fun, it was a means to an end. For some…It might have been the only way to make money.

When it comes to drug dealing—The few high profile stories that the media can get a hold of are stretched thin within each network. Lots of networks get a hold of one story and spin it their way. As viewers its easy to find the same things being covered on different networks, try it today. They don’t talk about the dude that doesn’t have a choice when he’s released from serving about how he can’t get a job so he resorts back to what he knows. Flip through every major news channel. All of them are saying the same thing.  It’s bullshit. Legalize it and then tax it, IF it really isn’t a gateway drug. If Bob the bud man has no work skills to get a real job then stop fucking around America, make the shit legal and wipe away the dirty stigma and past records for the potheads from back in the day. Seriously, then I’ll support this shit. It’s ‘just’ for medical purposes and those type of heads that have pushed it to be what it now gives me anxiety. How can it be legal in one sense and not the other? It’s the same fucking difference. Weed is Weed. 

Back to the topic, Heroin seems to be the drug of choice for addicts these days according to the media. I can’t say that I was ever enticed to ski down that slope but I know a couple people whose lives were cut short because of it. The guy I was seeing back in 99′ and ran away to San Fran with might have had an early death because of it. I never really opened up about him because he was too close to my heart then and at times now. He was my ‘James Dean’ and resembled the Acqua Di Gio male model from 97′ with a hint of Sean Penn dressed in the finest skater decor.

JD and I had similar friends and on both sides of the track. We lived in fancy little houses in white suburbia and had ‘those friends’ and also had our ‘AA friends’.  Young peoples AA was actually a thing in 96” to the early 2000’s- there were so many of us. We would pack rented church rooms and chill. People really got down on coffee, mountain dew, and Marlboro reds. AA parties back then had all the makings of a rave minus the drugs. JD had a way about him that made people feel special. He even tried to teach me how to ollie on a skateboard, that phase ended with me only being able to pull off the ‘skater look’. His favorite song was ‘Ole’ by the Bouncing Souls when he’d got in my Saturn he’d whip out his CD, pop it in and blare the lyrics on our way to a meeting or romantic hookup…I still sing the fuck out of that song from time to time.

The best part of JD was the hugs he gave to those he cared for. I can’t say that I knew the person he was when he passed. I only knew the renegade from when we were young. I had just “finished” the blog in 2012 and was working on the set of Nightmare Next Door when I received the news about him. Bad news always travels fast and the good always really do die young. I would know because I’m still here…Like ‘Death Becomes Her’ kind of here.

After all the unsolved therapy I had received, I was able to connect with a therapist located in Manhattan, NY that I enjoyed visiting, he was introduced to me by a person I was dating at the time. It was fun while it lasted and I would feel extra special when I sat in his high rise office in New York. It was very ‘Sex and the City ‘of me. After the actor guy I was seeing and I called it off, I kept a few more appointments with the Mr. Manhattan but only for sessions over the phone. He helped me recognize the type of guys I seek out and why. Towards the end of our sessions, he concluded that I was looking for a ‘James Dean’ replacement in any and all relationships after JD and I split. I could see how it made sense and it made me sad to know he was gone. I had missed my chance to reach out to him. You can’t really get closure with someone who impacted you on that kind of emotional level if they’re not here to talk too.

To my daffodil in the snow; “no one can beat us, we drink beer and wear Adidas!”

 

 

 

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