Daffodils in the Snow

8 years ago I was struggling with addiction, like hard core, I would have bouts of sobriety but I couldn’t shake the physiological cravings that I had. I recently found out that one of the ‘characters’ from my past checked into a treatment facility out west and has been there for a few months. I actually liked this particular person, he and I felt similar towards our families. We felt that wedge that so many addicts feel—- US vs. THEM. My life in addiction was very much an US vs. THEM battle. It’s a mentality not to take lightly. If you see someone drenched in addiction don’t hate. Life under the wings of any substance full time is similar to a thirst that is never quenched. I could never get enough… I would put myself in positions to be near dealers on all levels of the game. I don’t think that one type of addiction is any less worse than another. The scariest part of being a recovered addict is life. Life is on the other side of addiction. Life is not easy and whoever got that notion in our heads can suck on a bottle of hot sauce.

The hype behind legalizing marijuana makes my blood boil. I know of a lot of cats that have gone to jail for selling. I’m sure one or two readers know a person that has served a little bit of time for drug selling. In my opinion, the system is designed to make a profit, an example out of someone and let their record remain tainted. I’m not saying that drug dealing should be a career choice- However,  I sure as hell do not support the legalization of pot unless the system is secretly rehabilitating those locked up for it; with plans for their future induction into society with clean slates. I never met a drug dealer that sold because they thought it was fun, it was a means to an end. For some…It might have been the only way to make money.

When it comes to drug dealing—The few high profile stories that the media can get a hold of are stretched thin within each network. Lots of networks get a hold of one story and spin it their way. As viewers its easy to find the same things being covered on different networks, try it today. They don’t talk about the dude that doesn’t have a choice when he’s released from serving about how he can’t get a job so he resorts back to what he knows. Flip through every major news channel. All of them are saying the same thing. In addition, the same value of one US dollar bought the exact same size cheeseburger from McShitty’s 10 years ago. Why is that? How is that the cost of living is damn near impossible to maintain for us regular people? How is that the US dollar is decreasing its spending power for us po’ folk but someone how gaining interest for the rich?  What can one dollar really get you? In my opinion, the 5 dollar bill has replaced the 1 dollar bill. 

Heroine seems to be the drug of choice for addicts these days. I can’t say that I was ever enticed to ski down that slope but I know a couple people whose lives were cut short because of it. The guy I was seeing back in 99′ and ran away to San Fran with might have had an early death because of it. He passed away in 2012. I never opened up about him because he was too close to my heart. He was my James Dean. After years of shitty therapy, the one legit therapist from NYC that would have over the phone sessions with me pinned the tail on the donkey; in regards to the guys I seek out. He noted that I was looking for James Dean in a lot of relationships after we split. Maybe I still am. It broke my heart to know that I will never be able to have closure with someone who impacted me on that kind of emotional level.

James Dean and I had similar friends on both sides of the track. We lived in fancy little houses in white suburbia and had ‘those friends’ and also had our ‘AA friends’.  Young peoples AA was actually a thing in the early 2000’s- there were so many of us. We would pack rented church rooms and chill. People really got down on coffee, mountain dew and marlboro reds. AA parties back then had all the makings of a rave minus the drugs. JD had a way about him that made people feel special. He even tried to teach me how to ollie on a skateboard, that ended with me only being able to pull off the ‘skater look’. At one point his favorite song was ‘Ole’ by the Bouncing Souls. Every time he got in my Saturn he would put that CD in and blare it; literally sing it hanging out the window. I still sing the fuck out of that song form time to time. The best part of JD was the hugs he gave to those he cared for. I can’t say that I knew the person he was when he passed. I only knew the renegade from when we were young. I had just “finished” the blog and was working on the set of Nightmare Next Door when I received the news about him. Bad news always travels fast and the good always die young.

To my daffodil in the snow; “no one can beat us, we drink beer and wear adidas!”




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