Zero Gravity

My childhood is tougher to get through than I thought but fate got me connected with a chick in film who got me connected with an Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing aka EMDR doctor so that we can “Men in Black” the fuck out of my mind and rid me of bad memories so that my next 20 years are not spent crying over the past 30.

I may have champagne taste on a beer budget because of the mistakes I made with money but no one taught me anything, not how to love, live independently or without the help of medications. It’s so weird to me, to have been around so much opportunity and see the benefits of it for other relatives and not me. I was written off as a lost cause long before I was able to add and subtract. Early on abuse forces a child to live in fight or flight mode. Thank God I no longer live in fear, that switch is off. Fight or Flight mode is a terrible place to be stuck in. It’s exhausting to the person and the people around them. My early on experiences in various therapeutic scenes weren’t all gung-ho about the mind, body, and soul being interdependent of one another like how it is today. Some serious shit got brushed under the rug with me and by the time puberty hit my mind was a wasteland and feeding grounds for all kinds of bad shit.

I was like the crazy white girl you see in those psycho thriller films, pumped up on drugs living in a ‘privileged’ position. No one really asks questions or even cares about a  ‘privileged’ crazy girl until the girl burns the neighbor’s cats ass with turpentine and a match. Although I never did that, I did pull off some pretty fucked up pranks on people in my former days. Roughly 15 years of partying to cover up the hurt inside of me being ignored by people with authority over me and in the name of self-preservation on their end- made me who I was. You can believe it or not but my life ain’t an episode on Ripleys. I am a 36-year-old woman who after becoming a mother, which lead me to live a life free from mind-altering substances, brought me to the beautifully difficult place I am in today.

Like my family, I too wanted to forget the past, keep the elephant under the rug. I would have never walked into a doctors office with an open heart again had I not started having flashbacks and real-life problems that left me frozen and unable to cope. I felt that I had already had enough out of pocket help. I recently had to set some pretty heavy boundaries with my family to be able to finally take care of me. I needed help from a fresh set of eyes with a degree and experience in the field of EMDR recovery and new age type healing to guide me.

I even did some investigative work on my own,  old-school style and in a library, no google just books. I grabbed some scientific journals and stumbled upon a study that compared the left and right brain and shit like that. I read that my traumas were likely to be trapped energies inside my brain that never left. As I continued to grow up and develop the part of my brain that recalled the traumas had trapped and hidden certain incidents from me. It just stayed there waiting for the day I was able to cope, I guess.

I was on my way to a makeup gig in DC and opted to Metro in a few weeks back. I sat across from a little girl that must have been headed on an adventure with her grandparents. She noticed me and I noticed her immediately. She resembled me as a child- curly hair, potato-like nose and a smile that could brighten a blackout. I put in my earbuds, checked the time and pushed play to let some meditative tunes set in. I noticed that the little girl continued to look at me with her big doe eyes until she reached her stop. I think she saw something in me, just wasn’t sure what it was but she was certain that whatever it was it was worth looking into. To me, she was like some threshold guardian that magically appeared to give me a message telling my inner child that I’ll be okay… I got choked up and held back the unwanted tears that were starting to form in my freshly made up eyes and continued to listen to tunes.

I am so close to my breakthrough, I can taste it. However, I feel so limited. I’m practically screaming out loud on mute- I have a doctor that believes in me and is worth the out of pocket expense. Her theories on a recovery of the mind have proved to be more desirable than buying multiple bags of double stuffed Oreos with my hard earned cash. When I lived with my family…It felt like I was living in outer space. No matter how hard I tried to fit in and reach goals I couldn’t. I believe in light and dark energies and I believe in generational curses. I was never going to get better living in Pleasantville. Once Mother Graham gave me the boot it was their turn to add fuel to the fire in me. I was always a little less than whatever they had conspired in their mind that I could or ever would be.

Conversations about me and how difficult I made the life for everyone under either roof almost had me committed or killed. You got to understand one thing, I lived in Pleasantville longer than I did with my mom. Not that either was a cake walk I just can’t shake the fact that I was an adult child for so long. I initially moved in at 14, had a few failure to launch episodes and remained with them until Kimmie gave me the strength to leave at 29ish. That’s some fucked up type of negative hold on a person if you ask me. I couldn’t leave, I couldn’t grow, I was trapped with no life skills and no way out… This is starting to sound like the preface to a Stephen King novel.

Am I struggling today to be an adult, I’m not sure. No one gets out of this life unscathed. No one. I am doing better than I ever have on my own thanks to my anchor, my angel, aka my son.

 

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