Archive for 16 and pregnant

Day 30: “Eight Negative Pregnancy Tests”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 23, 2011 by Veronica Graham

THIRTY DAYS!  If this was a meeting with others just like me and sponsors- I’d be getting my one month chip.  Since I’m blogging and it’s just me and a bunch of anonymous and not-so-anonymous followers, I got my hair done instead.  It’s a little more than sun-kissed now, just shy of blonde, and sexy as hell.  My hairstylist hooked me up this afternoon- one, because she’s awesome and two, because my hair looked “shaggy” according to her and she didn’t want me running all over DC telling people that she’s the one who fixed me up without making sure I looked awesome.

Going through my room yesterday, I noticed my special bag of Negative Pregnancy tests.  There’s eight total in that bag.  This had partially to do with my ho-like behavior about a month ago and partially because I tend to get paranoid in that area.  My best friend, Kimmie, has been under a lot of stress lately and has been about three weeks late… so,  her paranoia began to set in.  I asked her about her recent-non-existent sex life and that it was probably impossible that she was pregnant.  “Can you get it from sleeping naked?”  “What about harboring sperm that live an unusually long time?”  “Or the second coming?!”   Kimmie tends to be a pretty logical gal, but this is just an example of how strong the pregnant-paranoia can be- you’ll doubt everything!  All logic flies out the window and those myths you heard in middle school are now facts- public toilets, dancing too close to someone, hold hands with someone that may have recently walked-the-dog (hey, we girls don’t always know what guys do in the bathroom…) and other things where the sperm might magically fly into our uterus and impregnate us with their poison-baby-making sperm.  The ruthless kind of sperm- the kind that doesn’t die when they make contact with oxygen and can wiggle their way through the barrier of clothing unscathed.  Who knows?  They’re microscopic and that’s pretty scary.

I pulled out my underwear drawer and tossed Kimmie a First Response Pregnancy test like I was some sort of backdoor dealer.  I have hundreds- ok, maybe not HUNDREDS, but a lot of brand new, waiting to be peed on, tests scattered all over my room for moments just like these.  Kimmie down a glass of water and the test came out, of course- negative.  BECAUSE NO, you can’t get pregnant from sleeping naked, sitting on public toilets and I bet Jesus will find another virgin to impregnate if there is a second time around… Like a good bad girl, she was ready to stash the test in a dumpster someplace far away from my home, but… I have a stash of hidden negative pregnancy tests.  Don’t judge me, I had no place to put them because my Dad and Step Mom keep watch on me like some kind of dangerous criminal- thinking that they’ll find bags of cocaine, needles, and probably weapons in our trash cans.  Since I have SO many of these “Ohmigod!  Am I…. Pregnant?” moments- I’m waiting until it can no longer be a possibility beyond paranoia to throw these out all at once.  Given Kimmie’s case, I realize there is no end to the paranoia and the negative tests must go.

Remembering the one time that my pregnancy test did come out positive, that double line showed up instantly!  There was no need to wait the 60 seconds or whatever it tells you on the instruction, because it pretty much screamed, “You’re pregnant, bitch!”  Of course, that time, I thought, “Oh… weird.  I got a defective test.  Let me take another… another defective test… weird.”  I took maybe 5 or 6- all saying positive before the panic started to set in.  Mind you, I was only 16 years old then, but I have a feeling the same denial would still happen to me now.  Anytime it’s impossible to get pregnant, I think it’s a possibility.  When I was showing all the symptoms of pregnancy and it was VERY likely (unprotected sex tends to make babies), I think the test is reading wrong.

I look at myself now, trying to turn my life around and realize it’s a pretty realistic possibility that I’ll never have children of my own.  I don’t want to go through pregnancy again until I’m married, and being 29 and single- vowing celibacy for a full year- it might be another few years after that before I’m married- or even meet the man I’ll marry and by then, it might be too late to have children.  At this point in my life, I feel like I’m OK with that, but I don’t know how I’ll feel when I’m looking for that positive pregnancy test and they’re all coming out negative… I’ll probably turn into Heather Graham from Miss Conception, looking to screw anyone my last day of ovulation.  For now, I’ll just think about dumping my eight negative tests and I’ll cross the positive-test bridge when I get to it… far, far in the future.

Here’s to 336 Days, Veronica Graham, sex can wait, masturbate!