Archive for Irish

Day 23: “America the Beautiful”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on May 16, 2011 by Veronica Graham

Today I watched a documentary called America the Beautiful by Darryl Roberts.   In the very beginning of the documentary he talks about an amazing woman he had and let go of because he believed there were plenty of other fish in the sea…. It seems as though he was proven wrong and she married another man and had a couple of kids, as happy as could be.

I think about my relationship with Iago and one of his tactics to keeping me around was complaining about the way I looked, “You’re not even that good looking,” “What are you going to do about your skin breaking out?”  “You need to lose weight.”  All these made me feel less worthy- that if I could be a pretty, clear-skinned, skinny individual than I would be good enough for him.  Let’s just say I wore a lot of black while dating him.

This idea of the “perfect” girl in our society and how the media has brainwashed the minds of both men and woman make me wonder if we’re doomed.  From what I’ve noticed, the male population is saturated with flawless and photoshop versions of women in their every day lives to make the average woman feel shameful and unfulfilled- and feel lucky to have any good looking guy- even if he is a prisoner.

Looks aren’t the only department that suffers here.  MTV, music videos, and movies pollute our minds of the “PERFECT” woman.  Kimmie often gets criticized in relationships for being “boring,” “grandma-ish,” and a “workaholic.”  This girl can party every now and again, but is unlikely to on a night when she needs to get up early in the morning, she likes to keep her days productive and works hard- in her very Asian way.  Guys seems to expect me to constantly be working on how to improve my appereance while guys expect her to improve her “wild child” ways.  Are there any guys truly satisfied?  Has the media brainwashed us to expect not only the unattainable but the fantasy?

I was admiring my work crush again today and when this super cutie started hitting on me… it seemed as though my crush noticed me more.  Ooooo, I thought at first- but at the same time, What the hell?  Do I need the attention of someone else to get yours???

I feel like one of the most insulting things about the documentary I watched was when a guy interviewed said, “Looks are 70% of a relationship,” because girls just tend to be less intelligent then guys.  Sure, yeah, that’s what women are all about- Big dicks, money, good looks, money, six packs, and money, right?  What ever happened to the modern age where us women could make our OWN money?  I have Tiffany’s jewerly that I bought on my own dime, assholes!  AND where there is a woman that can fend for her own, she’s too boring because lap dances, blow jobs, and sandwiches aren’t being offered once you get home to that hottie… So is it really expected that we need to look like 10s, act like whores, be super moms, and top noche career women all at once?  Why don’t guys get the same expectation?  So, they may LOOK good and that makes up for their empty pockets or they might be rich, but that’s their excuse to let themselves go and still expect the perfect 10?

I think about when Iago gained weight during our relationship and I loved him.  Maybe I shouldn’t have- because he treated me horribly and was in prision for eight years, but I still loved him when he got fat.  Thinking back on those comments that made me run around in black during the summer infuriate me now!  Do you know how hot DC Summers are???  They’re torture!

Thank God for men like Darryl Roberts to appreciate us women the way we’re made… Now, that’s hot!

Here’s the 343 Days, Veronica Graham, I hope all my children are boys-


Day 21: “Top 10 Ugly Hot Guys”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 14, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I have a full blown crush- on an ugly hot guy.  I love these because they stay hot forever!!!  These guys don’t come around too often, but when they do, man, do the panties want to drop!  They’re so hot in their ugliness that they’re not ugly at all.  These are guys that ALL women want, they’re non traditional, but their sexiness is so engrained in them that the female population cannot deny how hot these ugly guys are.  These guys get the hottest girls out there, because they can.  To give you an idea- I’ve compiled a list of the top 10 Ugly Hot Guys:

10: Hugh Grant.  My crush looks a lot like Hugh Grant.  There’s something about his big blue eyes and the way he’s so passionate about love and you know, whatever romantic stuff he rants about in his movies that make you look past his bad hair and want to grab it- Kissing him and shouting, “Yes!  We are meant to be!  Keep talking to me in that sexy accent and poetry you bad, bad boy!”

9: Eric Balfor.  DAMN, THAT ASS!!!  What else do I need to say?

8. Seth Rogan.  Sure, he looks like a teddy bear- I mean, really like a teddy bear… like if we were in some weird alternate universe where teddy bears came to life as humans.  But his humor makes him as sexy as any 6 pack Baywatch sex machine.  He’s so funny that I just want to make out with him, then pause to hear more jokes.  I can imagine sex with this guy is as fun as it would get.

7.Michael Cera.  Don’t you just want to destroy his innocence?  Don’t worry, baby, you don’t need to be so nervous- I’ll turn you into a real man.

6. Jon Heder.  Any guy that can dance like he does at the end of Napoleon Dynamite with those moon boots has more than a few moves in the sack.  Plus, have you seen those lips?   Definitely need take advantage of those during foreplay.

5. Javier Bardem.  Please take me away on a boat to whatever island and teach me how to spear fish, assassinate bad guys, and have sex on the beach while the waves crash into our naked bodies!

4. Adrien Brody.  That man can carry his nose with the confidence of a man with an erect penis in the middle of a crowd.  He doesn’t care, because he knows he’s better and bigger than everyone.  Sing me a song, play the piano, or say something sensitive- how nice of a man to do all these things when he knows he’s gonna get lucky.

3. Vincent Cassel.  Teach ME about passion!  Let me respond to your touch!  Forget Nina, Dammit!

2. Mikhail Baryshnikov.  Damn!  I get chills just looking at him!  Seriously, I do get chills.  He’s so sexy with those dance moves and stamina… I can’t say more…

AND Number One IS:

1. Mick Jagger.  Let me get this one thing straight- there is nothing ugly about this man.  He deserves a blow job just by walking into a room.  If he doesn’t get it- I’m disappointed with you ladies of the world.  Tsk tsk tsk, shame shame shame.

Now, what to do about my work crush turned full blown crush.  I can barely speak to him.  Last night I went to grab some drinks at work with some friends and it was so easy to ignore my company because I was staring at my crush the entire time.  Today I stepped it up and broke the touch barrier- as I was reaching for something, I touched his shoulder to say, “could you move aside a couple millimeters?  Thanks, now I have enough room to reach for that pepper shaker.”  My freaky staring started to wig him out and he avoided me the rest of the night.  I have no game!  If I wanted to land this ugly hunk, then I needed to learn how to flirt like a housewife and not a ho.

Here’s to 345 Days, Veronica Graham, I need to go through my wardrobe too- all my clothes scream stripper… sigh-

Day 20: “Misdiagnosed Mistress”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 13, 2011 by Veronica Graham

The bar I work at is full of Irish employees and I am not one of them.  I am the “American Girl.”  The work hottie I like to stare at was there today and definitely lifted my mood, but getting in trouble for every tiny misstep was starting to wear on me… “Why are you sitting?”  

“I’m not sitting, I’m leaning!”

“Lazy American.”

What the hell?  All the Irish employees take cigarette breaks together, laughing in their thick accents and after work, they sit together like the cool kids.  I picked out the other American employee, Phil, who is also picked on by these Irish, and told him, “We’re going to be our own group.”  

“What do you mean?”

“We’re the losers here and we need to stick together.”  He gave me a funny look, so I added:  “Because we’re both actually the coolest ones here- they just don’t know it.  We do, so we only hang out with each other.  The cool ones.”

Pathetic argument, yes, I know, but how else was I supposed to justify following him around all the time?  I’ve always had this uneasy feeling when I’m alone and I wanted a friend in my work loserdom, one that wouldn’t leave me for the cool kids.  

In my years of trying to figure out what was wrong with me, I was in rehab when I was 18, NA and AA on and off when I was 19-25, diagnoised with mild depression at 17 , and then finally diagnoised for bipolar disorder when I was 24.  I walked into the psychiatrist office at 24 told her that, “My mind races, I smoke weed, was addicted to coke, and I just can’t get it together.”

Within 5 minutes, she said, “Oh, I’m so sorry, Honey.  You’re bipolar, but don’t worry, we’re going to fix you.”

I was prescribed with seroquel (sleep), klonopin (for anxiety), and 2000 mg  a day of depakote (for my bipolar disorder.)  I stayed on this chemical romance for three years until I was 27 when I noticed my hair started falling out, the only side effect that I was warned about was getting fat.  I didn’t get fat- I was still hot. 

I freaked out.  FREAKED OUT.  I ran to “The Friend’s” house and asked him to look at my head, “AM I GOING BALD??!”

The look on his face said it all, but he added, “It’s THINNING… Not bald, thinning…”

There was a bald spot right above my forehead to the left.  I couldn’t deny it.  I ran to Kimmie and asked with tears in my eyes, “AM I GOING BALD?”

“Bald is such a harsh word…” she said.  

I went back to the psychiatrist to get on a different medication.  She put me on a 150 mg of wellbutrin (an anti-depressant)  An ANTI-FUCKING-DEPRESSANT for BIPOLAR DISORDER?  It didn’t make sense, there was such a huge difference between the dosage of the two medications, I was convinced I was her guinea pig!  I was not going to be ANYONE’S little PIG!!  I decided to get off of medication all together and told Kimmie, “If you say to get back on medication, I will do it. I promise.  Just tell me when you think I’m going crazy- even just a little bit, I’ll pop whatever pills they tell me I need.”  Needless to say, it never happened.  I was better without the medicine than ever before.  

A mutual friend of Kimmie and mine:  Rachel, a petite, freakishly smart psychologist that looks oddly similar to Rachel Berry from Glee heard my stories of being diagnoised with bipolar disorder.

Rachel scooped up her scrambled eggs at La Madeline and said, “Oh, Veronica’s not bipolar.”

“She’s not?” Kimmie asked.

“Nope.”  She took a drink of her orange juice.  “She has borderline personality disorder- text book.”

“She has what?”  

“NOT multiple personality disorder.  Borderline.  Borderline- it’s different.  Behavorial, not a chemical imbalance.”

So, what did I do-  I looked up the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. There it was: Textbook, just like Rachel said. 

My fear of abandonment: Last time Kimmie and I were in New York, she left for a few hours to visit her sister and I was convinced she had returned to DC without me.  I started making plans on how to get home by myself by the time she walked back into our hotel room. 

Promiscuous Behavior:  Umm.. I don’t think I need to go in depth with this one.

Black and White Thinking:  “I’m right, you’re wrong”  always.  

Impulsive:  Might have once told a cop to go “F” himself because I wouldn’t sign a ticket for littering that ended up landing me a night in jail.

Have trouble controlling anger:  See above.

Suicidal thoughts/attempts: May or may not have jumped into the Potomac River once to be rescued by “The Friend’s” brother, another gracious soul in my life that I haven’t yet had the oppertunity to talk about.

Have temporary episodes of feeling suspicious of others without reason (paranoia):  Like the time I thought Kimmie was sleeping with Iago and other boyfriends, even though I was around them ever waking hour and she couldn’t help but express her disgust about nearly all of them.

That silly little saying, “The truth will set you free” is completely true for me.  It’s easier for me to grow and know WHY I’m sleeping around like I’m working for Heidi Fleiss and overcome this problem of mine than to constantly get misdiagnosed over and over again.  

What I’m wondering is this:  Why did a friend that I rarely see diagnoise me so easily when high school friends, family members, and pyschiatrist were not able to?  Or was it that they were too quick to come up with some sort of diagnoisis for me- YES, You’re an addict!  YES, You’re bipolar!  YES, YES, YES- that they couldn’t see the forest for the trees on what was really going on with me.

The fact is:  I’m better now than ever before, Phil might disagree since he’s dealing with the brunt of my work lonliness insecurities and forced to be a part of my “club,” but without medicine and KNOWING what is wrong with me- or at least part of what’s wrong with me, I’m able to recognize it, deal with it, and grow from it.  I’m not Tom Cruise, I think medication is good for some, but in my case, it nearly drove me off the edge.  Now that I know, I need to dig even deeper, in the coming days, I plan to contact childhood physicians to see what triggered this behavior to see where this all began…     

Here’s to 346 Days, Veronica Graham, Don’t leave me!.. just kidding.. kind of-

Day 17: “Psychics and Soulmates”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 10, 2011 by Veronica Graham

A shoot I was scheduled to work on had been cancelled due to an accident at the location and I needed to get out of the house on my suddenly free day, and I headed down to meet Kimmie at a coffee-shop in Arlington.  After the sun went down, Kimmie and I ditched our teas and sniffed the air for a local bar for a couple glasses of wine, on the way, we saw a small house that said, “House of Tarot.”  We both looked at each other and decided to go in and the psychic agreed to read us for a discounted rate- so we stayed.

The last psychic reading that Kimmie and I went to together was 4 years ago from a young woman of Eastern European descent, very pretty, with short dark hair.  She didn’t pull out any cards or bones or anything, but DID have a crystal ball… I was intrigued, Kimmie was skeptical.

At the time Kimmie was head over heels for an Irish DJ named Miller.  She had met him at a bus stop one morning when we were walking together and was hooked upon meeting him.  They weren’t involved romantically for about year, because Kimmie couldn’t get the TEE HEE HEEs out of her system enough to actually get close to the guy.  For the year before they were involved, Kimmie would talk about Miller nonstop, annoyingly nonstop, like 13-year-old-giddy-girl annoying.

At the same time I was involved with an Irish hunk myself– yep, my now manager ex- now married!  The reading 4 years ago focused more on love for me, and more on career for Kimmie.  Looking back, this seems about right.

Kimmie’s Reading 4 Years Ago:

*She would be very successful in a career in the arts.  (Happened- both as a rising starlet and at her day job)

*Has a third eye (anyone that knows her, know this)

*Was engaged once (WHAT???!!!  but yes, this was true.)

*Her mother passed away when she was younger (true and I almost fell off my cushion when I heard that.)

My Reading 4 Years Ago:

*The guy I was involved with would be successful in his business venture (The Irish Married Hunk helped open the bar I now work for)

*I have many demons (anyone that knows me, knows this)

*”Do not mistake Lust for Love.”  (I obviously ignored this one… a few months later I met Iago)

*I would be married one day (Hahahahha!!!…hasn’t happened yet)

This reading today focused quite a bit on the “Soulmates”…  Kimmie went first because I was too busy shaking with nerves… What would she say?  Was I going to fail soon?  Would I break my vow?  What’s going to happen???  Am I going to Die????

Kimmie’s Reading Today:

*She’s having problems sleeping (hmmm.. I thought this was interesting!  Kimmie rolled her eyes… of course)

*Needed to leave the area to pursue her passions (agreed)

*Bad luck with love (eh… I guess this is true- she’s met amazing men, but obstacles have kept them apart– JUST like the psychic said!!!)

*She knows her soulmate, but there are things preventing her from seeing who it is (probably her self absorb nature.. oh, I mean, focused nature.  FOCUSED, yes.)

My Reading Today:

*I’ve been with many men (Really?  Well, duh.. but really, do I have the scarlet letter branded on me??)

*I’ll be successful in my career ventures (yay!)

*I also know my soulmate, but because I’ve been with so many men, I can’t see who it is. (tell me something I don’t know)

*That I work hard, but not hard enough at the thing I love… that I have trouble following through with things (anything, really)

*Needed to see my mother more often, even though we don’t get along (yes, she said this)

*Also, I needed to reconnect with someone that’s been on my mind lately…

On the psychic scale, Kimmie gave her a 5 out of 10 (always the skeptic), and I gave her a 7 out of 10 (always the believer)… she wasn’t as convincing as the woman we saw 4 years ago, but she did make some good points for me to think about.

One point that stuck with me was my soulmate… I have NO clue who it could be, but I have had a certain someone on my mind lately- since, well, since I’ve met him in 2006.  He was the only guy I had the opportunity to sleep with but turned down, because I wanted his respect and I also lost contact with him shortly after I turned down an invitation to go skiing with him at Park City because I needed to go to class and finish my Associates Degree.  Whoopdeefuckindo!

Kimmie has a saying she tells me when I bring him up, “Maybe if you can’t get him out of your mind, it’s because he’s supposed to be there.”  There is a hopeless romantic in this girl afterall!  

I asked Kimmie if she still wondered about Miller and she waved her hand back like she does and said, “It’s a thing of the past, it’s gone now.”

“Really??!!” I’ll press the issue.

“Yes,” she says matter-of-factly.  “I can feel it.”

Am I holding on to this guy or will I be able to “feel it” when it’s truly over?  Will something in the stars shift when we’re no longer meant to be?  Or is it just the fact that I’m human holding onto something because I can’t have it?  I remember Kimmie’s first meeting with Miller and how they kept running into each other, almost like they were supposed to be and I’m afraid that something like that can just go away. 

This guy that I can’t seem shake was a 24 hour adventure that began when the heavens opened up with rain and flood and we were both stranded together, forced (happily!) to get to know each other.  The two of us instantly clicked and hardly slept a wink. We kept in touch for a long while until a last email that wasn’t different from the rest except that there were no others after it.  Damn, it’s hard not to think of him when it starts to rain…  

Here’s to 349 Days, Veronica Graham, “For all the sad words that tongue and pen, the saddest are these, ‘What might have been.'” -JGW