Archive for Mother Graham

Day 38: “Memorial Day Instincts”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 31, 2011 by Veronica Graham

For this Memorial Day, I didn’t go to a barbecue, didn’t get wasted, and didn’t go to a pool, but I can say that all around- it was a pretty good day lost in my thoughts. I thought a lot of Mother Graham and her Jesus ranting about how I’ll go to hell if I don’t start going to church and if I believed that someone I cared about would go to hell- burn for eternity- for not following certain rules– like, REALLY believed that… how can you not go a little crazy and rant to the one you love?  Another person on my mind was another crush I developed while filming- the eccentric sound guy.  There was something about him that was so intriguing and interesting to me- it’s been hard not to think about him and how I would love to sit down with him and have a cup of coffee- I mean, cup of sex.  

I flirted with the sound guy a little during filming and even told him to call me to make dinner reservations while I gave him my business card, but something tells me that he thought I was joking.  The truth is:  I love weird guys.  Guys that are smarter than me, usually older than me, and can understand my weird side when it comes out.  Today is the last day of filming for him and I’m wondering if he’ll bite the bullet and call me for that dinner date… probably not, but it’s all right, for this guy- I’m willing to be a little more aggressive to let him know I’m not joking around.

I spent a little bit of time at the National Harbor today with Kimmie- one, because it’s a few minutes away from me and two, because
it seemed like the Memorial Day thing to do.  I saw the statue of “The Awakening,” and couldn’t help but admire his stone biceps… Hey, I’m a recovering slut and there are some thoughts that will enter my mind no matter what.  The statue is similar to the Greek figure, Enceladus- one of Gaia’s giants that challenged the Gods and was speared by Athena and buried beneath the earth.  In “The Awakening,” the giant looks like he’s trying to escape earth and I think about the times I’ve challenged God myself and the ways I’ve been speared down… just trying to dig myself up again to cause more trouble.  When I told my mother about the sound guy, she immediately started ranting about things God has told her about this man, “he’s into really kinky sex” she said.  

“I JUST told you about him!” I said to her.

“Well, I already knew about him, because God told me.”

I want to be able to make good choices, but one of the things about me is that I’m up for pretty much anything- I don’t think this is a bad trait…  How do I balance the two?  Spontaneous behavior- enjoying life to its fullest and making good choices for myself?  So many things come in hindsight- like maybe Nice-Shy-Guy would have been a serial killer and I would have probably regretted the midnight kiss… but he wasn’t.  I feel like my intuition is good enough, that if I tune in- I can listen to it enough to see what moments are good or dangerous.

A friend that I haven’t been in too much contact with called me tonight to hang out.  I love her, she’s a good person and a good friend… the problem is the guy she is seeing reminds me so much of Iago that it scares me to be around him.  I know he’s dangerous- to her and to myself.  How do I balance being a friend to her and avoid him?  Especially when I see her drowning in his grip.  I want to be there as a friend to her, but I’m afraid that if I make too much of a presence around this guy… it’s only a matter of time before something terrible happens.  He’s a criminal, just like Iago… and there’s something not quite right about him… just like Iago.  The “something” doesn’t come from his words or actions, it’s just a vibe I get- but the vibe is so potent, that I can’t believe it’s not real.

Another piece of advice always given to me was “to always listen to your instincts.”  A feeling or vibe is nature’s way of letting you know when danger is near… but being someone who is driven by emotion so much, it’s difficult for others and even myself to take me seriously when I do feel something.  For now, I think I’ll see my friend and leave when or if he arrives… but man, I can’t shake that feeling of impending doom… whether it be her or me…

Here’s to 328 Days, Veronica Graham, Hey Sound Guy– Call me!  Seriously.  😉

Day 37: “Jesus vs. the Vow “

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 30, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I met with Mother Graham briefly today before work because I promised her I would see her once I got back from filming. She knows about my blog but has never read it to my knowledge, but knows it’s a vow of abstinence… which has to do with Jesus- ALL things have to do with Jesus when it comes to my mother. 

I told her about my kiss and she told me that meant I was no longer celibate.  Then we got into a fight.

So I kissed a guy, after to talking to MG about it I felt guilty. 

I looked up the definition once again of what celibacy means because it was starting to get to me that I may have broken my vow. Luckily, kissing isn’t referred to as sexual intercourse but MG begs to differ… Celibacy is not having sexual relations with someone- period, according to mother dearest. Sex, oral, fingering and anal would be considered breaking my vow according to the Bible, but my point going into this was not a religious venture.  This vow was about no sex- I’m not allowed to have a dick entering my vagina.  Sex is where things go array for me… so did I feel guilty about my midnight kiss with Nice-Shy-Guy?  NO… until I spoke with my mother.  

“You can’t be around temptation.”  “What about all the girls reading your blog?”  “What if you can’t say no one of the times?”  This is my mother’s concern and started to become mine after our lunch date.

Being in Ocean City and in my life in general- I’ve had opportunities to kiss guys… but for the first time I felt like I CHOSE this Nice-Shy-Guy to kiss… it was more than just circumstantial and two horny adults wanting to get some action.  I felt like the situation and the guy was too perfect to pass up.  I was at a bar earlier with guys looking for girls to get into trouble with and they were not worthy of my first kiss.  

My talk with Mother Graham gave me the chance to think about what this vow means to me:  If I meet a guy tonight and he fingers me- yes, that would be considered… a backwards step.  If I’ve been in a relationship for months and we break the “fingering” barrier.. no, I don’t believe that’s wrong.  If we have sex before Day 366, that’s blatantly breaking my vow.  

At the end of the day this vow is about finding myself, being someone who can be a good friend and girlfriend, and finding love.  This doesn’t mean that if I’m single at day 366, I’m going to look for a one-night-stand.  I can’t.  But I do know that sex is a part of relationships- a healthy part of one.  If I meet a guy on Day 100- no, we will not have sex, but I do think it would be healthy step to make out and then move onto 2nd base and then to blow jobs and fingering until my vow is up and we’re READY for sex.

Going into this vow was a pretty rash decision for me, but now that I’m 37 days into it- it’s one of the healthiest decisions I’ve ever had to make for myself.  I’ve had to really think about how I am to the people I’m around and what things MEAN to me (like what does celibacy mean and why I’m doing this for myself.)  I’ve also observed more than I ever have before in my life.  I observe how people interact with one another- how guys treat a drunk gal at a bar vs. a classy one sipping on a martini, why people go for “types,” and other things that I’ve yet to master.

My mother loves Jesus.  Obsessed with Jesus.  Jesus is her life.  She’s the type of person that would frame a piece of toast that had Jesus’s face burnt into it.  I love Jesus too and although I am religious, every aspect of my life doesn’t revolve around Jesus.  I’ll pray and ask for guidance and I do feel like I see God in the good things in life… but for so long, I haven’t been a good thing in life (for myself and others) and I need to look internally to make myself a better person, a kinder person, and a less slutty person.

This video was sent to me by Kimmie once (who did wait for love before losing her V-Card) and it was sent to her by a childhood friend worried for her while she was in college to warn her about them evil college boys.  I might have thought the video and song was lame a few years back, but it hit home with me and maybe will for others as well.   

Here’s to 329 Days, Veronica Graham, Love you, Mom- but damn, this Jesus talk is wearing on me!

Day 16: “Mother Fuckers”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 9, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I took a stroll downtown to get some air and enjoy the weather, feeling melancholy and restless at the same time. It’s Mothers Day and I have a mother, stepmother, godmother and Nanny.  I don’t plan on seeing or spending time with any of them today.

The only person that I was able to wish a “Happy Mothers Day” to was my biological mother, not because the others don’t deserve it, but I couldn’t even bring myself to pick up the phone or even get a card for the others.  My mother has ALL the Graham characteristics:  She is impulsive, religious, creative, hot-tempered, passionate, sharp tongued, and constantly believing the world is against her.  In HER case, it seems as though my entire family is against her, and not without reason, but in my opinion, still unjust.

She is still my mother.

 My relationship with my mother is far from normal or healthy, but I could care less, I love her just the way she is.  I drove to visit her this past Christmas, four hours away and had a bag packed because of a monster snow storm expecting to hit her house.  Somewhere after opening presents and before baking our secret family recipe for dishpan cookies, the flood gates of yelling, crying, and flushing out Mother’s Graham’s past and how it’s affected me into my adult life poured out.  My little sister stormed out in the middle of the meltdown and Mother Graham took off after her, leaving me alone on Christmas night.  I wasn’t sure if she was going to come back (not being a stranger to her leaving me in strange places in the past) so I drove home in a snow storm.  On the way home, Mother Graham panicked and called everyone I know telling them I was drunk driving and that the Christmas fiasco was not her fault.  She has been divorced twice and to this day has never remarried but is in constant pursuit of finding “The One”. I guess the old saying that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree is more than just a saying.

Trash talking Mother Graham is acceptable as saying the sky is blue, saying that Mother Graham is crazy, fucked up my childhood and adulthood, and shouldn’t be a part of my life now is all dinner table conversation.  She did throw me out of her house when I was 14, with a trash bag full of clothes and asked my father to take me (and he did), and our relationship has been a slow work in progress- taking one step forward and two steps back since I can remember.  She loved men, she fought, and she loves God to the point of God-fearing Bible thumping Carrie’s mother caliber.  For the longest time, I agreed with everyone around me, she ruined my childhood, she’s ruined me, I was better off without her.  Entering into adulthood, these nonchalant and cornering comments that my mother is crazy and I’m “acting just like her” to get me to cooperate with their wishes began to seem a little dated, immature, and disrespectful.

My mother brought me into this world, is also the one who taught me to believe in God, and planted the seed that led me to become a makeup artist.  From as early as I can remember, I used to sit crisscross applesauce on the toilet seat watching her apply makeup.  She could turn the just-rolled-out-of-bed look into photo shoot ready in 20 minutes and I watched with fascination as she transformed in front of my eyes.  “How does this look?”  “How does this dress look?”  “Do you think I’m pretty?” she would ask me.  The fact is:  My mother was a beauty, but had the lowest self esteem of anyone I’ve ever known.  Just like me:  She’s burned a lot of bridges and has severed the trust of many of those around her: including family members.

To this day, with all my flaws and all of my friends and relatives that have given up on me and just chalk me up to being “just like my mother,”  SHE has been the one to always come back to me, not just waiting for another mistake.  I did not see her today, but I know she worked on Mother’s Day, making minimum wage to pay her bills and probably still looked photo shoot ready.  When I texted her, “Happy Mother’s Day.”   She wrote back, “Thank you Pumpkin!  Miss you! OOOOOOOOOOOOOXXXXXXXXX Pretty Little Lady :)”

We spoke for a little after that- all positive comments from Ms. Pessimistic.

Sure, Mother Graham and I have a lot in common:  Good and bad sides of me, but she was the only one that I could bring myself to say “Happy Mother’s Day” to because she believes in me, between our fights and fears that I’m hell bound– she believes that I’m more than just a slutty fuck up and that I’m in this world for a reason.  When I screw up, my mother is one who is cursing me with disappointment while others look away with silenced comfortability thinking, “It’s all right, we knew you would.”  In their eyes, my upbringing with my mother led me down the path for a failed life, but my survival came from Mother Graham.  She taught me how to fight and how to defend myself and to keep moving forward like she does when nobody else believed I could.

For all those who write off my mother as a waste of space, write me off as well, and therefore, on this Hallmark Holiday, I don’t have anything else to say to those Mother Fuckers who believe I’m less than what I am.

Here’s to 350 Days, Veronica Graham, Happy Mother’s Day, Mom, I Love You, Dammit!-