Archive for The Rapture

Day 29: “How I Spent the Last Day on Earth”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on May 22, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I wore my two dollar purple crinkle shirt for the rapture, black jeans, and my dominatrix sandals- for a cheap look, I looked great!  Got compliments all day long- first, at the salon where I worked to do makeup for a couple of girls getting ready for a night out and later, watching one of the cutest nine year olds ever.  We watched Gulliver’s Travels and it was hilarious!  Needless to say, at 6:00pm- and I was still on earth and it now being past midnight- I’m still on earth… Either the Rapture never happened, or a ton of people got Left Behind.  Thank God Kimmie is still here- I was worried she’d vanish along with Harold Camping.

At the salon while I was doing makeup, there was a young gentleman getting a pedicure… yes, I know, I don’t see this very often either, but we got into an argument- er… discussion about religion.  This guy’s logic was that he hoped that all the Christians would leave the earth so the rest of the world would be left with their money… Him, along with many others, were getting ready to go out tonight for an “End of the World” Party and Prom.  Me, being a Christian, understand the fear(?) that Harold Camping and his followers feel… from as early as I can remember, I was told and read about the horror story of Revelations- be good or you’ll be left behind with the devil.  Even the event of the Rapture itself would freak me out- people VANISHING, their clothes left behind exactly where they were sitting, cars running into each other because the driver vanished, and waking up to find your parents gone because you told that little white lie about not sticking the gum under the table… This is freaky for a Christian child, and pretty freaky for an adult as well.  I’ve always believed in my crazy Christian ways that I would live to see the Rapture… but to be honest, I don’t know of many Christians that don’t- including the new Christians shortly after Jesus died- they believed they were living in the End Days.  So, yeah, I get you, Harold… kind of.

On the other hand, it’s fanatics like him that give Christians a bad rep.  It’s like when people hear I work with actors and they immediately associate me with community theatre actors that wear top hats and speaking in British accents for no reason– just a heads up- most working actors don’t dress or talk like “an ACT-TOR!”  There are a lot of people laughing at the Harold Camping followers right now and I just feel a little sad for them… I stopped freaking out about the Rapture because I needed to focus on living my life instead of living for the end.

So, I bought a “Rapture outfit” to kind of poke fun at the idea, but secretly, I was nervous the night before and as it neared 6 pm, eyeing the clock, saying a silent prayer to please let me stay even though Tribulation is supposed to suck.  I remembered exactly where I was at 5:59- in my car on my way to babysit the nine year old.  If I DID get raptured, at least my crinkle shirt would have shrunk when my body disappeared and everyone would remember me for being super skinny and if I didn’t… well, I was on the look out to avoid any car crashes since I was on a two lane highway- disappearing drivers would have made me bust out my Nascar moves!

The world is a pretty messed up place right now: wars, famine, natural disasters, people just sucking in general… but I’m not ready to leave it yet, because as much as it sucks sometimes, the good out weighs the bad a thousand times over… I had a great Last Day on Earth today.

Here’s to 337 Days, Veronica Graham, Happy Birthday, Biggie Smalls!  Meeting you would have been the one good thing about the Rapture!  

Day 28: “Rape Dreams and Rapture Outfits”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 21, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I had a dream last night that a faceless guy, took me by the neck and raped me. Taking away my celibacy before my year was up… I remember looking in the mirror in my dream with bruises around my neck, wondering how I would write about it the following day. When I woke up from this nightmare, I ran to the mirror- no bruises.. good sign and still had my panties on… good sign. Whew! But why couldn’t I shake off this unsettling feeling? Despite the fact that it’s a horrible nightmare, the feeling stuck with me nearly the entire day.
I went to to read about what it means to dream about rape: “indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex. You feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being.” So maybe I didn’t need to google it to figure it out, since the interpretation seems pretty “duh,” but it did make me think about the people I currently have in my life… and admittedly, there are still a few bad seeds lurking.

I look back on some situations where guys have treated me horribly- before/during/after sex. They seemed to have been able to sniff me out of a crowd as the type of girl that would allow this- but HOW? and WHY? The first problem was my clothing… I have very few shirts that aren’t low-cut (instead of my clothes being flattering, they’re just revealing)… the next problem- I wear heavy eye make up during the day (makes me look like a slut!)… and finally- I let guys talk down to me and I giggle like a fucking idiot cause I believe that’s flirting.
One night at a bar, long after my friends had left, I stuck around drinking and “flirting” with a really cute guy at the bar. The Military-Cutie bought me a drink and we went to the forbidden bar where I had met One-Night-Harley and the Military-Cutie bought me a few more drinks there to- enough to get me plastered. I drank everything willingly. I offered to drive him to home and on the way, I pulled over- wanting to make out! He put his hand up my skirt and I said, “No.” However, I did not push him away and the No came out more like, “tee hee hee noooo tee hee.” Yeah… not enough to convince him or myself. All this foreplay led to sex and once the Military-Cute reached his final “Oh!” he quickly slipped his pants back on and ran out of my car. WTF? WHAT THE FUCK???!!! Furious, disgusted, and shamed cannot describe how I felt- this guy treated me like a total prostitute! But… I was dressed and acting like a total prostitute.

A couple of months later, Kimmie and I are sitting at the same bar I met him. He starts to talk to her about pieces of conversation he overheard from her, “Korea,” “Dancing,” etc. He was actually stationed in Korea- they got to talking about local spots they both knew of and i was fuming. Kimmie had no idea what happened with this Military-Cutie and my Hulk side was boiling inside of me. Their conversation moved to dance- Kimmie does ballet and he seemed pretty familiar with the DC dance scene. “There’s a Martha Graham concert this Friday- Did you know about it?”
No,” Kimmie said.
Awkward silence.
Both the Military-Cutie and Kimmie gave me the wtf-look.
I continued, “YOU’RE A SCUMBAG!”
Kimmie mouthed to me, “what’s going on?”
I gave her the look, but not sure how it came across since I was a little drunk. I meant to say, “He’s no good!” it might have come across as, “I’m a CRAZY bitch!”
Needless to say, it was a “Check please!” night and Kimmie and I left shortly after my outburst. But what the hell? Why is he trying to take to her an expensive ass concert and me to a cheap bar??!! Don’t get me wrong here- I love Kimmie and not jealous- she deserves to be taken to concerts- but why is this scumbag treating us differently? Maybe it’s because she doesn’t wear shirts that reveal cleavage, or wear three-stage-smokey-eye makeup at noon, and more importantly, doesn’t laugh when being talked down to.
So, to get my mind off my dream and to be more proactive, I grab lunch, went to Walgreens and bought myself my Rapture outfit for tomorrow (a purple crinkle shirt that was the rage back in middle school… I couldn’t resist), went to buy non-slutty flattering clothes for the Tribulation, and made a hair appointment for Sunday- cause when I get Left Behind, I’m going to look good burning in volcano lava… and whatever else is going to happen. I also cut out probably the biggest bad-seed from my life, unfortunately, that person is tied to an old friend of mine that I care about very much… However, if a change is going to be made for me- I need to make active changes and not sitting around hoping for things to change.

Here’s to 338 Days, Veronica Graham, I’m always here for you when you’re ready to leave that asshole, friend…

Day 27: “Wanna Grab a Cup of Sex Sometime?”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 20, 2011 by Veronica Graham

Today was a shitty day.. seems like it was for everyone I’ve spoken to today. “How was your day?”


Yeah… Sucked for me too.  This could be a sign that the end is near, but I feel like despite Revelations, the last few days on earth should be oddly AWESOME, don’t you?  Because of this string of shitty events: I had a bad day, all my friends had a bad day, watermelons are exploding… there’s no way God would let the good Christians of the earth go on this note.  But then again… I can’t call myself a GOOD Christian yet… 

Being oddly sleep deprived, I had sex on my mind all day.  My work crush had his parents come in for dinner- his parents from Ireland, it’s weird trying to impress parents of a guy you don’t have.  Like the actor hunk with the car mechanic stepdad and how I promised to bring my car all the way to Maryland, because DAMN, what a GREAT car mechanic!… OK, he really is great.  Seeing my work crush parents sitting eating their Irish food, I thought about how I could slam my work crush in the walk in fridge and make out, he would walk back out into the restaurant forced to interact with his parents… trying to hide what just happened.  Or that actor hunk’s stepdad would talk about what an amazing job I’ve done keeping my car clean… and MY- it smells like summer in a bowl in there!… With nothing in the backseat… Nothing- just clean, empty, large seats that might as well be a bed.  

Sure, this seems like fun.. but it SUCKS.  I think about sex like a bloodhound in the spring, looking for some dog in heat to pounce!  I think about sex all the time and my body is yelling at me to get some ass.  But… I can’t have sex… obviously.  I haven’t even KISSED a guy since my vow… or even held hands… I’m afraid of contact, because I might pin the poor guy down. 

I’ve read that the first strongest human urge is Hunger- this makes sense, because people will get so hungry that they will eat other people… like the passengers on that plane once upon a time.  The SECOND strongest urge is sex.  Next to being so hungry, you’ll eat another human being– you’ll have sex.  Because your body needs it and craves it.  I had a guy last night tell me that what I was doing (365 days of abstinence) really wasn’t that hard… yes, I judged him a little… When sex isn’t an OPTION, it doesn’t count, ok?

So, what happens when you’re thinking about sex constantly and you can’t have any?  It slips into everyday conversation.  “Do you want to grab a cup of sex sometime?”  “Your ass looks great!  I mean, your shoes look great…”  I can’t even look at a guy without taking a quick peak at his pant region- can I see it? or not see it?  If I can see the slightest trace of big dick in there… well, let’s just say, I’m not looking at his face.  I’m afraid the next thing that will happen to me is that I’ll develop celibate-goggles… soon, everyone will seem fuckable to me… This is just a myth I heard once.. hasn’t happened yet- THANK God, for that large superficial bone in my body.

So, yeah- this sucks.  Totally sucks…I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy… but after work today- I logged in and saw a message from a reader talking about how inspirational I’ve been.  I’ve never heard those words and my name in the same sentence before…  Then, I realized, yes, this is worth it and today didn’t suck so bad anymore.  

Here’s to 339 Days, Veronica Graham, It’s funny how one person can totally make your day…

Day 26: “5 Worst Dates EVER and News”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 19, 2011 by Veronica Graham

Today was a good day in news: Osama has “officially”  been “unofficially” replaced, Arnold’s mistress was revealed, a 13 year old facebook user with blue hair was interrogated by the secret service for posting a concern about suicide bombers, a woman was told by Southwest airlines she was too fat to fly unless she and her mother sat together with another overweight woman (makes so much sense!), and DC 101 Chili Cook Off is this Saturday- the same day the world is supposed to end according to Harold Camping followers.

Today, another piece of big news happened for me: On Today, Day 26, is the first day I’ve been asked out on a date since my vow!  It was a vague invitation- and yes, something more than just booty calls that I ignore.  Now, how to rewire my thoughts from sex to date… yes, they are two different things I’m learning.  Decent men DO exist– I’ve heard this someplace.  Not all girls are sluts!– I’ve actually seen some of this from time to time…  It’s amazing that nearly a month has gone by before I’ve gotten a lunch invitation!  Usually I’m the aggressor and now, taking a back seat from.. er, aggressing, I got a unconfirmed invite to lunch by a total hottie with a great personality!  So hot in fact, I’m gonna have to learn how to sit on my hands without seeming weird- probably wear a skirt to blame the “AC” on my “hands being cold.”

Being prone to nervous awkwardness, bad dates come by every now again, but having a history of sleeping around- thankfully, I haven’t gone on too many dates, so I’m able to talk about nearly all of them:

1. LOS TIOS, Del Ray:  The cursed Restaurant.  I’ve gotten trashed here with every LUNCH date I’ve ever been on.  This is usually because I’m too nervous to listen to the staff and their thick accents and they always say, “Margarita?”  I don’t know what I THINK they say, but I always say “Yes.”  A fish bowl of Margarita sits in front of me, where I look at my date, embarrassed and say, “I don’t usually drink this early… but I don’t want to be rude.”  I get trashed. TRASHED.  Strongest Margaritas in the world, they should have a warning sign… seriously.

2. The Animal Lover:  This guy had no pets, but in the middle of making out after a great evening together- all of a sudden he starts head butting me like a cat does… I’ll pause, not really knowing what to do except to continue making out, but then he would pause, look at me- and headbutt me… Totally killed my mood.  So maybe I SHOULDN’T have said, “Are you headbutting me like a fucking cat?… It’s making me sick… literally sick… like I’m gonna need a bucket if you do that one more time.”

3. The Face Planter:  After a few drinks at my favorite local bar, I met this guy.  Got along great!  Of course, we went back to his place where I noticed a framed picture of a girl on his dresser.  “Is that your girlfriend?” I asked.  He walks over to the picture and plants it face down, ready to get going.  I flip out, wake up his roommates, screaming, “YOU’RE A SCUMBAG!!!”  I saw this guy again another night hand in hand with his girlfriend.  I said Hi to him and asked how his girlfriend was as I face planted a standing drink menu… let’s just say, he shooed her out of there and they left me alone at MY bar.

4. The Coward:  A night out with Iago and his friends, I called Kimmie and her roommates, Trevor and Ian to join us.  The brothers were two very good looking and charismatic guys that drew a lot of attention: by females.  Iago’s males friends felt threatened, used their poor dress habits to pretend like they were thugs to pick a fight with the brothers.  Kimmie, Trevor, and Ian instantly turned to leave the bar when Iago’s stellar friends followed the three of them out.  I looked to Iago to help my friends, but when he stood there stunned and frightened- I was suddenly embarrassed to be with him and his poor company.  Thankfully and expectedly, the guys were no match for Kimmie’s cutting tongue and they ran away with their tails between their legs.

5. The Other Coward:  A night out with Rich-Married-Man, he noticed me eyeing a group of beautiful black men at the end of the bar.  RMM feeling insecure with the size of his penis and a few too many drinks started talking shit to these four large black men that looked like they played defense for the Redskins.  I said, “Sorry, sorry, sorry” for RMM’s sake.  We left the bar and a large Escalade rolled up next to us and one of the beautiful black guys stuck his head out and say, “Hey Boy…”  RMM tackled me into a bush to hide- pressing my face down into a bed of poison ivy… Yeah, buddy, that was three weeks of swelling and medication for me.

I’m not anticipating a bad date with this hottie, but I do think I should probably stay away from Margaritas.  I’ll let HIM pick the place- far far away from Del Ray.

Here’s to 340 Days, Veronica Graham, this damn world better not end on Saturday… seriously-

Day 2: “Jesus and Jezebel”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on April 25, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I woke up this morning with the intent to go to church…It didn’t happen because I felt ill from drinking too much the night before. When I finally decided to wake up, I crawled out of bed and sat in front of the mirror to apply my makeup,  the name Jezebel was ringing in my head.  Jezebel was famous for putting on makeup before her execution, not to mention being associated with sluts!

I’m trying to turn around this Jezebelish behavior through prayer, but of course me being me… I stood up Jesus. On Easter Sunday.  The only man who wants me not to have sex more than I do.

Let’s face it, I’ve always been excellent at lying to those around me as well as myself- polluting the air with good intentions that are full of shit. Last night I swore I’d only have one drink but I ended up having five and thinking about how to get my ex into the back seat of my car. Of course, what I said out loud was “you know who I should really check up on just to see if they’re ok…hmmm…my ex.” This is one of my favorite excuses as well as the all too familiar crisis-call. You know…the classics: my car broke down, my grandmother died again, my shoes are untied and all of my panties are missing “would you be so kind as to help me find them?”  But no worries, I couldn’t even deny the stench of my own bullshit and went home and straight to bed.

So, I missed church… It’s Easter…  SO WHAT?! I’ve done much worse and I’m sure Jesus understood, but then, like a scene out of a movie….while I was driving, the heavens opened up and golf ball sized hail attacked me, and I thought “Great, it’s the Second Coming… Please God, just let me pull over and put my hazards on before you abandon me!” I mean, I get it… I stood up Jesus and now I’ve been left behind, but dammit I haven’t had sex in two days… Kurt Cameron couldn’t even get me to spread eagle right now (Yes, Jesus, kudos to you for putting the Fear of God in me.)  Doesn’t that count for something?

So, I should have gone to church, sick and all.  And no, I shouldn’t have had those five drinks, but I did go home instead of doing the deed in my now dented car- and that’s evidence of progress.  All in all- I’m not where I want to be spiritually, or even how honest I’d like to be with myself, but I AM 48 hours further away from the Jezebel I was.

Here’s to 364 days- Veronica Graham,  JC, please don’t come back until AFTER my vow has been fulfilled-