Archive for Veronica Graham

Day 46: “One-Night-Film-Geek”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on June 8, 2011 by Veronica Graham

Today I ran errands.  I bought a new camera, since my last one broke during filming in Ocean City (dropped it in the damn sand!) and got my car some love at Jiffy Lube before I have to go on a reshoot down in Virginia Beach next week.  The connections that are made on film sets are so special to me: it’s like a second family. Each set is different and you meet new people in the industry and spend hours upon hours on end working towards a common goal. You are able to be yourself and are exposed to the rawness and importance of teamwork. You wake up at the ass crack of dawn to bring you’re skill to the table with complete strangers and end up forming unique bonds unlike any other by the time the filming process has ended.

You’re good and bad sides come out on a set, and I mean GOOD and BAD.  You see everyone at their best and worst moments- like, WOW!  I can’t believe you pulled off that performance, that was amazing!  And just plain ‘ol melt downs.  There is a general rule on sets to not sleep with the people you work with and honestly, it’s both hard and easy.  It’s hard because you do form strong connections with others and it’s easy because you’re too damn busy to get down.  Unfortunately, I had to learn this lesson- like all my lessons- the hard way, when after filming, I got busy with a crew member from a film set.

Set crushes are natural, but I think having someone to go home to that isn’t involved in film (or your latest project) is good to keep you grounded.  After a long, tedious shoot from a feature film I work on last summer, I developed a crush (well, a ton of crushes, actually) on the director, a crew member, and a few of the actors.  After filming wrapped, I kept in touch with the crew guy (among all the others), but things turned hairy when we made arrangements to talk about freelancing in DC over “dinner.” Dinner turned to oysters and drinks.  My sensible friend, Kimmie, was against this idea.

Everything was fine until I went back to his house to chill. I was wasted and I couldn’t, well…didn’t want to drive home. I was SHIT faced and horny. I was slurring and trying to be cute at the same token. Yeah, I just came across as a total slut. I was the one who initiated the sex. He told me NO! Ugh, the nerve of this guy. I took NO for a maybe and convinced him to sleep with me that night. The next morning while I was passed out on his floor, I weaseled my way back into his bed to “talk”. He told me that if I ever told anyone what happened he would deny it. I was used to this type of comment from men and it wasn’t like he was the first. I said I would keep my mouth shut.

Everything was fine, or at least I thought it was. I had this dirty little secret under wraps because I woulld never tell and he would just deny it anyway. Right? Wrong…he told people that I would call him ALL the time and chat it up because I was obsessed with him. I did call him ALL the time, and he did talk to me for hours. I liked him, or at least I thought I did. I thought he was funny and a straight shooter- no pun intended. He wasn’t.

 Here’s to 320 Days, Veronica Graham, Don’t shit where you sleep-

Day 40: “The Beastie Boys and Throwing Up”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on June 2, 2011 by Veronica Graham

Today I was sick- really sick.  I went to the doctor to figure out what the hell was going on with me- my stomach was in fifteen different types of pain and I couldn’t stop throwing up.  Turns out:  I smoke too many cigarettes, eat fatty foods, drink on an empty stomach, and live off of caffeine.  I guess this combo on top of not eating well balanced meals or exercising caused my stomach to freak out on me today.  I’ve had various instances when my health was in jeopardy.  I only stopped doing cocaine for a year now– well, almost a year now.

I still think about cocaine like a bad relationship.  I stopped heavy cocaine use about two years ago and it’s been about a year since I’ve gone back for a booty call.

Obviously, it’s no secret that I don’t take care of my body as well I should.  You’d figure needing to go to the doctor from coke would have been enough to get me away from it, but it didn’t… About 5 years ago when I went to The Beastie Boys concert with a random car dealer that I just bought my new car from and got a little carried away in the drug use.  The Beastie Boys concert was AWESOME! Coke, Weed, and Alcohol!  After the concert, I was running through the bushes and got yelled at by security for trying to sneak on to the tour bus.  The people I left with left me alone and I went to a friend’s house.  Once I got there, an illness hit me like a tidal wave- I was throwing up everything in my stomach- every hour on the hour- it would happen and this continued until I had to go into work the next morning.  My boss told me I needed to go to the hospital and by then I felt so weak I could hardly drive myself.  I made my way to the ER and I was hooked up to an IV from dehydration.  The nursed asked me why I did so many drugs and all I could say was, “I don’t know…”

Later that day, I went home and kept my hospital visit a secret for a while.

So, now I’m sick again for just leading an unhealthy lifestyle in my everyday life.  Drugs aren’t involved anymore, but I do smoke a lot of cigarettes and drink without eating first- in fact, I tend to replaced meals with a drink because it’s easy and it curbs my appetite.  I guess all these years of drug use could have weakened my body so it’s less resilient now.  I mean, a lot of people out there lead an “on the go” lifestyle, right?  I guess because I did so much damage throughout the years, I need to be more cautious now of how I treat my body in order to allow it to heal.  Hell, I can’t even go outside on a high pollen day without my nose hurting.

So, I’ve started… I’m going to give up smoking too… or really really try to and rest up cause this bitch has a date tomorrow night and I don’t want to be in a bad mood from all this illness crap.

Here’s to 326 Days, Veronica Graham, I can’t wear tight belts either, the doctor says, damn, what am I going to wear???

Day 39: “Father Fucker”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 1, 2011 by Veronica Graham

After Thomas and I split up, I started hanging out with my High-School-Sweetheart’s (HSS) older sister, Hazel.  We were fast friends and were joined at the hip.  Hazel is a beautiful blond, hardworking, and would drop anything for anyone.  We are no longer on speaking terms, but if I called her up- she would pick up the phone to help me and I know this.  Hazel and HSS’s Dad was divorced and would be around a lot while we hung out.   I felt like I was part of their family.  They had helped me through HSS and my smortion and while I was in AA.  They supported me in a way that my family at home didn’t and in my twisted 21 year old mind, I wanted to be a part of that family.

One night, at Hazel’s birthday party, I drank way too much and rested in their guest bedroom.  The Dad came in to check on me and I asked him to rub my back because I was “really stressed out.”  He did and we kissed.  I’m not sure who kissed who, but I do know the thought was already in my mind when I asked for the back rub… hell, I’ve always been into older guys.  Hazel was a good friend, but she was also lonely and never minded my company- so she turned a blind eye to my sexcapades with her dad.  I went over to her house a lot and the three of us:  me, Hazel, and the Dad would make dinner together, wash the dishes together- and Hazel would normally go do her own thing in her room while I was left with her father.  Ever since the first kiss, things escalated each time we hung out until we were finally sleeping together and I guess were an “item.”  

This relationship was very short lived because the guilt of what I was doing to HSS and Hazel was starting to get to me, we never went out in public, and everything was kept secret.  To the Dad, I was a potential mate.  To me, I was filling some sort of weird void of family.  I couldn’t have HSS, so I had the Dad instead.  Although, Hazel never brought up the fact that I was sleeping with her dad- she knew about it and she was venting to a cousin of hers, Kelly.  Finally, I couldn’t deal with my strange incestuous relationship with the Dad anymore and broke it off.

Not too many nights later, HSS called me to drive him and Kelly home because they had too much to drink.  I went over to pick them up and dropped them off and his dad’s house.  Before exiting the car, Kelly asks me, “So who’s better in bed- HSS or his dad?”

My only reaction was to burst into involuntary tears.  I hated that HSS knew about my “relationship” with his dad and I apologized over and over again to him.  Afterwards, I tried to talk to Hazel about my fling with her father and she always said she was fine with it and “the past was the past.”  This is something I didn’t believe and never would believe to this day.  I feel like Hazel was so lonely and valued my friendship too much to jeopardize it by mentioning how much it upset her that I screwed her father and hurt her brother.

The Dad is someone I see often.  He goes into my favorite local bar and will tell me how much I mean to him from time to time.  I saw him tonight at the local pub intending to write this blog and I had to finish my Corona and leave to a coffee shop instead.  When I see the Dad, I don’t see him as a person, but what I did to him and his family.  This seems to be a trend for a lot of people I see around town:  DC is littered with the demons of my past, exes and one night stands I’ve slept with and screwed over, and people I used to buy cocaine from.  I keep thinking about my eventual move to NYC early next year, but I do know that if I don’t face my past here and overcome it then I’ll just be running away to New York rather than moving forward.

Sleeping with my friend and ex-boyfriend’s Dad is probably one of the most shameful things I’ve ever done and I still can’t shake the memory of my scumbagness every time I see him, HSS, or Hazel.  I’ve given a thousand apologies and although, they said they’ve forgiven me- I still can’t forgive myself for that selfish act of acceptance and affection.  I’m hoping to move forward past this one- one day, but I know that overcoming my hellish relationship with Iago will be an easier task than this one.

Here’s to 327 Days, Veronica Graham, I can never stop saying sorry for this one- because I’ll never forgive myself for it-

Day 38: “Memorial Day Instincts”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 31, 2011 by Veronica Graham

For this Memorial Day, I didn’t go to a barbecue, didn’t get wasted, and didn’t go to a pool, but I can say that all around- it was a pretty good day lost in my thoughts. I thought a lot of Mother Graham and her Jesus ranting about how I’ll go to hell if I don’t start going to church and if I believed that someone I cared about would go to hell- burn for eternity- for not following certain rules– like, REALLY believed that… how can you not go a little crazy and rant to the one you love?  Another person on my mind was another crush I developed while filming- the eccentric sound guy.  There was something about him that was so intriguing and interesting to me- it’s been hard not to think about him and how I would love to sit down with him and have a cup of coffee- I mean, cup of sex.  

I flirted with the sound guy a little during filming and even told him to call me to make dinner reservations while I gave him my business card, but something tells me that he thought I was joking.  The truth is:  I love weird guys.  Guys that are smarter than me, usually older than me, and can understand my weird side when it comes out.  Today is the last day of filming for him and I’m wondering if he’ll bite the bullet and call me for that dinner date… probably not, but it’s all right, for this guy- I’m willing to be a little more aggressive to let him know I’m not joking around.

I spent a little bit of time at the National Harbor today with Kimmie- one, because it’s a few minutes away from me and two, because
it seemed like the Memorial Day thing to do.  I saw the statue of “The Awakening,” and couldn’t help but admire his stone biceps… Hey, I’m a recovering slut and there are some thoughts that will enter my mind no matter what.  The statue is similar to the Greek figure, Enceladus- one of Gaia’s giants that challenged the Gods and was speared by Athena and buried beneath the earth.  In “The Awakening,” the giant looks like he’s trying to escape earth and I think about the times I’ve challenged God myself and the ways I’ve been speared down… just trying to dig myself up again to cause more trouble.  When I told my mother about the sound guy, she immediately started ranting about things God has told her about this man, “he’s into really kinky sex” she said.  

“I JUST told you about him!” I said to her.

“Well, I already knew about him, because God told me.”

I want to be able to make good choices, but one of the things about me is that I’m up for pretty much anything- I don’t think this is a bad trait…  How do I balance the two?  Spontaneous behavior- enjoying life to its fullest and making good choices for myself?  So many things come in hindsight- like maybe Nice-Shy-Guy would have been a serial killer and I would have probably regretted the midnight kiss… but he wasn’t.  I feel like my intuition is good enough, that if I tune in- I can listen to it enough to see what moments are good or dangerous.

A friend that I haven’t been in too much contact with called me tonight to hang out.  I love her, she’s a good person and a good friend… the problem is the guy she is seeing reminds me so much of Iago that it scares me to be around him.  I know he’s dangerous- to her and to myself.  How do I balance being a friend to her and avoid him?  Especially when I see her drowning in his grip.  I want to be there as a friend to her, but I’m afraid that if I make too much of a presence around this guy… it’s only a matter of time before something terrible happens.  He’s a criminal, just like Iago… and there’s something not quite right about him… just like Iago.  The “something” doesn’t come from his words or actions, it’s just a vibe I get- but the vibe is so potent, that I can’t believe it’s not real.

Another piece of advice always given to me was “to always listen to your instincts.”  A feeling or vibe is nature’s way of letting you know when danger is near… but being someone who is driven by emotion so much, it’s difficult for others and even myself to take me seriously when I do feel something.  For now, I think I’ll see my friend and leave when or if he arrives… but man, I can’t shake that feeling of impending doom… whether it be her or me…

Here’s to 328 Days, Veronica Graham, Hey Sound Guy– Call me!  Seriously.  😉

Day 37: “Jesus vs. the Vow “

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 30, 2011 by Veronica Graham

I met with Mother Graham briefly today before work because I promised her I would see her once I got back from filming. She knows about my blog but has never read it to my knowledge, but knows it’s a vow of abstinence… which has to do with Jesus- ALL things have to do with Jesus when it comes to my mother. 

I told her about my kiss and she told me that meant I was no longer celibate.  Then we got into a fight.

So I kissed a guy, after to talking to MG about it I felt guilty. 

I looked up the definition once again of what celibacy means because it was starting to get to me that I may have broken my vow. Luckily, kissing isn’t referred to as sexual intercourse but MG begs to differ… Celibacy is not having sexual relations with someone- period, according to mother dearest. Sex, oral, fingering and anal would be considered breaking my vow according to the Bible, but my point going into this was not a religious venture.  This vow was about no sex- I’m not allowed to have a dick entering my vagina.  Sex is where things go array for me… so did I feel guilty about my midnight kiss with Nice-Shy-Guy?  NO… until I spoke with my mother.  

“You can’t be around temptation.”  “What about all the girls reading your blog?”  “What if you can’t say no one of the times?”  This is my mother’s concern and started to become mine after our lunch date.

Being in Ocean City and in my life in general- I’ve had opportunities to kiss guys… but for the first time I felt like I CHOSE this Nice-Shy-Guy to kiss… it was more than just circumstantial and two horny adults wanting to get some action.  I felt like the situation and the guy was too perfect to pass up.  I was at a bar earlier with guys looking for girls to get into trouble with and they were not worthy of my first kiss.  

My talk with Mother Graham gave me the chance to think about what this vow means to me:  If I meet a guy tonight and he fingers me- yes, that would be considered… a backwards step.  If I’ve been in a relationship for months and we break the “fingering” barrier.. no, I don’t believe that’s wrong.  If we have sex before Day 366, that’s blatantly breaking my vow.  

At the end of the day this vow is about finding myself, being someone who can be a good friend and girlfriend, and finding love.  This doesn’t mean that if I’m single at day 366, I’m going to look for a one-night-stand.  I can’t.  But I do know that sex is a part of relationships- a healthy part of one.  If I meet a guy on Day 100- no, we will not have sex, but I do think it would be healthy step to make out and then move onto 2nd base and then to blow jobs and fingering until my vow is up and we’re READY for sex.

Going into this vow was a pretty rash decision for me, but now that I’m 37 days into it- it’s one of the healthiest decisions I’ve ever had to make for myself.  I’ve had to really think about how I am to the people I’m around and what things MEAN to me (like what does celibacy mean and why I’m doing this for myself.)  I’ve also observed more than I ever have before in my life.  I observe how people interact with one another- how guys treat a drunk gal at a bar vs. a classy one sipping on a martini, why people go for “types,” and other things that I’ve yet to master.

My mother loves Jesus.  Obsessed with Jesus.  Jesus is her life.  She’s the type of person that would frame a piece of toast that had Jesus’s face burnt into it.  I love Jesus too and although I am religious, every aspect of my life doesn’t revolve around Jesus.  I’ll pray and ask for guidance and I do feel like I see God in the good things in life… but for so long, I haven’t been a good thing in life (for myself and others) and I need to look internally to make myself a better person, a kinder person, and a less slutty person.

This video was sent to me by Kimmie once (who did wait for love before losing her V-Card) and it was sent to her by a childhood friend worried for her while she was in college to warn her about them evil college boys.  I might have thought the video and song was lame a few years back, but it hit home with me and maybe will for others as well.   

Here’s to 329 Days, Veronica Graham, Love you, Mom- but damn, this Jesus talk is wearing on me!

Day 36: ” First Kiss”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 29, 2011 by Veronica Graham

So, I do realize this is coming a day late- but I didn’t get home until about 4:30 in the morning from filming yesterday (or I guess, technically earlier today…)  Kimmie and I arrived at our hotel room at Ocean City on Friday, beautiful suite room with the ocean in our backyard.  It was an amazing and productive day and later on, we met up with some of the cast and crew at a restaurant for a couple of drinks.  An early call time and a LONG shoot day had us head out early and pass out, but not before I wrote my Day 35 entry.

When Kimmie and I travel together, we talk nonstop.  We’ll talk the entire way traveling and talk before we go to bed, we turn into 3rd graders at a sleepover.  Mostly talking about our passions, what we’re going to wear, family, and of course, the guys in our life.  After Kimmie had fallen asleep, I found myself suddenly wide awake and stepped outside of my room for a cigarette.  Standing outside smoking as well was, Nice-Shy-Guy, smoking a cig as well, shivering from the nighttime cold.  We talked and I couldn’t help but admire this cutie.  There are moments when I look at my life and I think, “Damn, it sucks!” and then there was that moment Friday night– smoking a cigarette with this total cutie, who couldn’t even look me in the eye, and admiring the ocean.

“Do you want to jump in the ocean with me?” I asked the Nice-Shy-Guy.

“Ummm…” he laughed shyly.  “It’s really cold out.”

“Come on!”  So maybe I also had a few glasses of wine.  “Don’t you want to just run out there and jump in the ocean and maybe make out?”

Nice-Shy-Guy laughed shyly again- totally turning me on.

“I’ll go in knee deep,” he agreed.

I couldn’t help but think about my vow, a little buzzed from the wine and drunk from the beach, I jumped back into my hotel room and woke up Kimmie.  “I want to make out with that guy out there, is that ok?”

Kimmie mumbled something back in her sleep, probably a “what?” but I took it as a “yes, friend!  It’s absolutely fine!”  I tried asking again, but she pulled the blanket over her head- a clear green light to have my first kiss since my vow… I mean, she wasn’t trying to stop me, right?

I ran outside and started running towards the ocean.  Nice-Shy-Guy followed me and I jumped in, not noticing the cold, with the moon light and the lights from the boardwalk illuminating the water just right for us to see exactly what was going on and with enough darkness to add to the allure of mystery as we two strangers kissed in the water.  I would run deeper into the ocean, loving the cold, and run back to the Nice-Shy-Guy for quick little make out sessions.  Being a Nice-Shy-Guy, he kept his hands to gentleman standards: On my arm, my back, and my face.  After about thirty minutes, I asked him how he was doing.

“I’m okay now,” he answered.  “My feet are numb, so they’re not cold anymore.”

I decided maybe it was time to release the guy.  I tip toed back into my hotel room and fell asleep.

The following morning, Kimmie’s alarm went off and she instructed me to get up and get ready for the shoot.  I was drowsy from only getting a few hours of sleep, but I was on my feet in no time, preparing coffee for the both of us.  I knew I would never see Shy-Nice-Guy again, but there was something about this kiss that satisfied me for my “first kiss.”  Sure, I could have waited for a potential boyfriend or a guy I would at least see again, but there was something about seizing the moment with this stranger that was completely (ok, maybe a little reluctantly) down for my midnight dip adventure.

I am the type of girl that tends to get carried away: with guys- a kiss turns to sex pretty easily, with drinks- one turns to five, with shopping- “just looking” turns to maxing out my credit card, and with fights- a harmless bicker with a good friend turns to mega fight with my arch nemesis.  I knew this guy wouldn’t take advantage of my drunken glee or my spontaneous nature- he was just a shy guy that I learned was once overweight, not too good with girls, from Baltimore, and just out for a cigarette.  He was the perfect guy for my first kiss and a spontaneous midnight swim on the beach was an ideal scene for it as well.  Given the way I approached him, he probably thought I did stuff like this all the time, but little did he know that before I was too slutty to spot a guy like him- someone who would treat me like a lady while indulging in my momentary fantasy.

The rest of the shoot was one of the longest I’ve been on, but it was also one of the best.  I was all smiles and it turns out good moods are contagious- no matter what obstacles we faced filming on a busy boardwalk on Memorial Day weekend, we were all in amazing spirits.

Here’s to 330 Days, Veronica Graham, it was a GREAT “first kiss,”he sure knew how to work that tongue!

Day 35: “Ocean City Blues”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on May 28, 2011 by Veronica Graham

Today started with Kimmie ringing my door bell for 45 mins and I had overslept my alarm.  When I finally answered the door because the dog was going nuts, she was giving me the death look.

“Do you want a cup of coffee?” I asked.

“NO,” she said.  “We gotta go.”  We were running late for Ocean City to be on set for an Independent film.  She was tapping her foot and we got into a full blown screaming match while I was packing.  Instead of saying, “Could you help me pack?”  It came out, “CAN’T YOU HELP ME PACK?”

“WHY DO YOU NEED ALL THIS STUFF?!”

“BECAUSE!!!”

“BECAUSE IS NOT ALL THAT LOGICAL!”

“WHATEVER.”

“WHATEVER!!!”

We finally got on the road and 20 mins later, we were laughing about our fight- one of the reasons I love being friends with Kimmie, she’s always able to let bygones be bygones after a good yelling session.  On the way to OC, Kimmie and I were talking about the demographic in DC- particularly when it came to dating and how frustrating the men in our city could be…

I remember working in a restaurant in DC and waiting on a table with two guys and overhearing one saying, “DC has the ugliest women.”

Then I read someplace that DC was ranked the 10th ugliest city in the Untied States.  I don’t know if I agree that DC is the UGLIEST city in the US (seems a little harsh), but it is one of the most RESERVED cities.  I find dating being difficult here because of how many reserved guys there are- so many promises with very little follow through or initiative.  Great dates that end with no move at the end.  Connections that turn into missed connections.  Here in Ocean City, I find the opposite problem:  The guys here are ridiculously forward.

Kimmie and I were walking to a restaurant to meet up with some of the cast and crew and on the way two guys walked by us.  “I’m from JERSEY!” one of them said.

We didn’t say much.  One of the guys walked right in front of Kimmie and said, “Can I have a hug?”

“No,” she said.

“Aw, come on!”

“I don’t want to give you a hug.” she could be such a bitch sometimes. 

The guy then moved to me, he grabbed my face and he said, “I want to touch your boobs!”

He TRIED to grab my boobs.  Yes, I have nice boobs, but seriously, what the hell??!  “You’re an asshole!” I yelled.  I couldn’t believe how aggressive he was.  Of course, he came back after Kimmie and I. 

“Hey!” He said.

“Get away from us,” Kimmie instructed the guy.

“Fuck my dick!” This guy says… yeah, a real genius this guy was.

I open my mouth and said, “You’re going home with your right hand because NOBODY will sleep with you!”

The guys scurried away from us, but honestly, I can’t say I’ve been in this position with a complete stranger before- especially at 4:00 in the afternoon.  After stressing about how many reserved guys there are in DC- I think I’d rather take that then the guys looking for trouble out here in Ocean City.  Ideally, I’d find a guy with a healthy medium- one who can follow through on promises made or not afraid to go in for a kiss at the end of a date, but it’s only been 35 days and I’ve yet to go on a date yet… so I guess I can wait a little longer before meeting that perfect balanced guy.

Tomorrow is a heavy day of filming– and once again, I must get to bed early in order to be a more productive person in the morning, but I’m thinking that maybe it’s time to post some “real” photos of me and the places I go.  This blog is no longer a secret to the people I know in my life and the people I don’t know… well, I guess it won’t make much of a difference if you know what I look like, will it?… well, maybe I’ll start that tomorrow… Don’t know if the sleep deprived Veronica is quite ready for that move tonight.

Here’s to 331 Days, Veronica Graham, There are NO hot guys here in OC- I should have packed Mr. Pinky-