Archive for Whitney

Day 33: “Summer Suicide Attempt”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 26, 2011 by Veronica Graham

Shortly after I returned from California, I started working at a restaurant in Annandale in Virginia, about 15 mins outside of DC- typically known as “Asiandale” for the Asian demographic there. The owner’s son, Thomas, had come back home from Virginia Tech for the summer and I wanted him.  Oddly, not really in a sexual way, but I could tell he was a catch and I would strategically put myself around or near him doing super interesting things so he would eventually take notice in me and ask me out.  One night as I was leaving the restaurant, he pulled up in his sexy sports car and said, “What’s your number?” I gave it to him (of course) and later that night he called me, we talked forever and he invited me out to have drinks with him the next night.  This was the start of the healthiest relationship I have ever had.  There was no bullshit, no game playing, he treated me like a lady, and I waited like a lady for three months before I gave up my hot goodies.     

It was a Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda that ruined this picture perfect and healthy relationship a year later.  A guy that I had a huge crush on in high school was back in town- he was the guy I had my eye on all through my high school years but could never have, because I was the type of girl he would never date.  He dated Ruby, the queen bee beauty- they were that nauseating movie couple you’d see that wins Homecoming Queen and King.  Well, he was in town and the last person on my mind was my boyfriend, Thomas.  I called him up to hang out and practically jumped on him to make out with me.  I felt guilty, but swore to take this to my grave since I would always be faithful to Thomas from that day forward.

Later that month, I was spending time with Thomas.  His eyes beamed when he saw me that day, we played in his pool, and relaxed by watching basketball on his couch.  I couldn’t handle it at that moment and I told him that I had cheated on him, “but I only kissed him” I promised.  Thomas turned to look at me with that look that I would later learn meant the relationship was over even if the words weren’t said.  After my confession, we tried to make it work, but the fact that I cheated and I was the one who sought him out couldn’t leave Thomas’s mind and one night, it was really over.  

“You cheated on me.  I loved you.  I can never be with you,” he said to me.

I begged him- probably on my knees.  Crying, pleading, every desperate attempt you see in movies and cringe when thinking back on the things I did and said to have him take me back.

“I will never take you back,” he said.  And he never did.  I knew it then he wouldn’t.  

My life was over.  I called a dealer and scored some E.  It was supposed to make you feel good, wasn’t it?  I popped the pill and about 45 mins later, it backfired.  I was wearing my super cool Nike shoes that everyone loved, designer clothes and started to hate the way they felt on me.  I thought about the designer guy I tried to get that made me lose the guy of my dreams and realized how full of shit it all was.  I had decided, tonight was the night I would die and I was comfortable with that.

I drove down to the Potomac River and left my car on, keys in the ignition, and the radio on, thinking about the police finding my body the next day and investigating the crime scene.  I have NO idea what I thought having my car on would have anything to do with me killing myself, but I was on E… obviously I wasn’t thinking clearly.  

I walked into the Potomac, with all my clothes on and my awesome Nikes.  I thought about how Ophelia walked into the river and her clothes weighed her down until she drowned- driven mad because she lost the man she loved.  Yes, I was Ophelia.  The water was above my head and I my feet were stuck in the mud below me and I screamed, “HELP!!!!”  What the hell was I doing?  What was going on??!

“HELP ME!!! PLEASE, GOD, SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!”

I saw someone flashing a light towards the river and I ducked my head below water.  Wait a minute, I was here to die, dammit!  I don’t want to be saved… right?  The next thing I knew, I blacked out… I woke up, with dawn almost breaking, in the water, on the shore.  I had failed.  I was soaked in muddy river water and my clothes and shoes were still weighing me down.  I must have been still tripping, because I remember thinking how DISGUSTING all this materialistic shit was!  I couldn’t stand it!  I ripped off my shirt, my pants, but left on my Nikes.  Practically naked, I ran to the middle of GW Parkway to be saved- I tried to wave down cars, but they avoided me like… some crazy naked girl.  Finally, one man stopped his car and I asked for his cell. 

“What happened to you?” He asked.

“I locked my keys in my car.” I answered.  I pointed to my car behind me to prove my point. 

When he knew I wasn’t going to say more, he gave me his phone and I called Whitney’s boyfriend… of course, me being the girl who calls my friend’s boyfriends and not actually my friends.  He and Whit came to pick me up and saved me from being stranded.  

“What happened to you?” He asked.

“I locked my keys in my car.” I answered, pointing to my car again since it seemed to work for the last guy.

“Why are you wet?”

“BECAUSE… I locked my keys in my car,” I answered with the attitude of a 5 year old.  

When I climbed into his car and I noticed my Nikes were still on my feet, I ripped them off and threw them in the middle of the Parkway!  Yes!  I was free of my designer bullshit items!  THINGS didn’t matter to me!  STATUS didn’t matter to me!  I was free! A new Veronica!  This new Veronica would never screw up a relationship with a guy as good!  

“If you didn’t want those Nikes, you could have given them to me, “Whitney said to me.  

After that night, I knew I could bounce back from anything, no matter how low I felt.  As shitty as I felt yesterday, I’m glad all I did was drink some, write my entry, and sleep in- because today wasn’t so bad.  Because I’m a free woman, bitches, and I can choose to make my days as awesome as those Nikes.

Here’s to 333 Days, Veronica Graham, Still have yet to meet a guy to treat me as well as Thomas had, and maybe never will-

Day 32: “I Fucked Your Boyfriend… Or Wanted To”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 25, 2011 by Veronica Graham

Today was a bad, bad day… A bad day.  A really bad day.  I felt tired, angry, and sick the entire day– What was this crazy feeling brewing deep in me like a keg of Modelos?… Guilt.  Ew, what an unpleasant feeling!  I haven’t been able to stomach it… today was one of the first days I looked in the mirror and hated who I saw:  My hair looks great but deep within my eyes– I saw a scumbag.  I’ve wronged so many people I’ve cared for in my life that it’s amazing the amount of second, fifteen, twenty-seven chances they’ve given me.

In AA, there’s this step that I never made it to and that’s the “I’m sorry” phase.  The thing is that I’m not in contact with many of these people… and I don’t know how to even begin to say I’m sorry.  For the first time in my life, all my wrong doings are starting to tap on my shoulder and whispering, “Confess…. confess… confess…” In a super creepy voice that I can’t take it anymore.

Here’s the people that still matter the most to me and I can’t be sorrier for what I’ve done to you:

KIMMIE:  3 years ago when I was in a fight with you, I’m sorry I contacted your boyfriend and asked him out to drinks and dinner in order to help me with my “math homework.”

WHITNEY:  I’m sorry I called your boyfriend to tell him about the shooting near Safeway… I wanted to call you, but didn’t know how to warn you about not getting shot without talking about how I flipped out on you over text message that one day.

JOY: I’m sorry I flirted with your boyfriend at work… He’s really hot, but you’re a nice girl and I need to avoid him like the Black plague.

HAZEL:  I’m sorry I slept with your dad.

MEGAN:  I’m sorry I kissed Keith… I knew you liked him and I kissed him anyway.

The words, ‘I’m Sorry’ are so difficult for me that every time I know I should say it, my throat tightens up and I can’t get it out.  Maybe I’m afraid of the reaction that I might get from it, but I need to learn how to say “I’M SORRY” out loud as a process of my Ho Recovery.  Thankfully, a couple of those girls are still my friends… and saying Sorry will come much easier in person for them than it will to those that hate the sound of my name.

Flirting has become so second nature to me that I’ve had no concept of boundaries with friendships in the past.  The truth of the matter is… I don’t know how to talk to women or how to be friends with one and how not to flirt with a human being with a penis.  And all this time, I’ve wondered why I have trouble maintaining female friends and why I’m so alienated.  I can honestly say that I’ve in someway, shape, or form I’ve screwed over every female friend in my life due to my insecurities.  I’ve slept with boyfriends… or wanted to- some of my friends had some hot boyfriends!… but the men in the lives of my female friends have no place in mine- I realize this now.  The girls were the ones who were friends with me.  I thought by being friends with their boyfriends was normal… but it’s not when the only way you know how to interact with a guy is by flirting…

 This is so far the hardest entry I’ve had to write so far… but the guilt was weighing on me so much, I just had to let it out that I know how I’ve behaved is wrong.  I’m sorry to all my current and former female friends for fucking, flirting, or even calling the men in your life- the truth of the matter is, the men never mattered and were never there for me as much as my girls were.  I’m starting to realize that I need to work on the basics of human relationships… I need to learn how to be a friend to other females before I can learn how to be a girlfriend…

I would give my pinky to smoke a blunt with you again, Whit… my left pinky… I use my right one a lot, actually.

Here’s to 334 Days, Veronica Graham, CHICKS BEFORE DICKS!